Undercover Cupcake
by spiffytgm
Summary: Joe Morelli has to go undercover for the biggest bust of his career, but he needs the help of Steph, Ranger, and the Merry Men to pull it off. Does he have what it takes to work with the Men in Black? Always a Babe!
1. meeting the mayor

**All the characters belong to the world of JE, all mistakes are mine. You've probably heard that somewhere before...**

Ranger and I sat in his office, talking to our contract worker before he left Rangeman for the last time. No, we're not shipping him off in a box to a third world country, although I think Carlos would probably like that. Actually, I can't even think of him being a contract worker for Rangeman without laughing.

It all started ten months ago. Ranger, Tank, and I were called to the Mayor's office for a meeting. Mayor Juniak is my godfather, so I've known him forever. We were shown into his office. He shook hands with Ranger and Tank, and gave me a hug, asking me how my father was. Finally he got down to business.

"I asked you here today because I'm about to ask you for one of the biggest favors of my life. We've got intel on one of the mob families in Trenton, and we could bust the entire family in one operation. The problem is that I've got to get a man on the inside without anyone knowing he's a plant. That includes the people in my office and the TPD. The only people who will know are myself, you three, and the chief of police."

Ranger played it cool. "How can Rangeman assist you, Mayor?"

"Please, call me Joe. I have an officer in mind for the operation. He's been undercover before, has a tenuous connection to the mob already, and is basically ideal for this situation. What we are going to do is ruin his reputation in the department and fire him. Once it appears that he has hit rock bottom, I would like you to hire him and keep him in a low level position, one that would make him appear to be resentful of your help. I believe that he will be approached by the family because of his background and connections. If they approach him, I don't think they'll see it as the setup it is."

I still didn't see why Rangeman needed to be involved, other than the fact that we've always helped the TPD and the Mayor in the past. Before I could voice this opinion, Mayor Juniak continued. "If Rangeman agrees to help us, you'll basically get a free employee until he works his way into the family. The TPD will cover all his costs. I'm not kidding when I say I want him to have visibly lousy jobs and a good reason to complain. If this goes the way I would like it to, both the Chief of Police and the Mayor's office will owe Rangeman favors."

I was starting to get an idea of what the mayor was thinking. There's only one police officer I know who fit all the requirements of this job and would see working at Rangeman as being in the seventh circle of hell. The mayor stood and walked to another door. I can't really say that I was surprised when Joe Morelli walked in. It was an operation tailor made for him. He's Italian, he's been undercover, he was Uncle Sunny's godson, he's still connected to Terri Gilman both literally and figuratively, and he really would have to be at the lowest point in his life to take a job at Rangeman. Not that Rangeman would hire him. In fact, I don't think he'd even be able to pass the physical fitness requirements, but I know for a fact that Ranger would laugh for a week if Joe's resume ever did cross his desk.

Joe and Mayor Juniak outlined the plan for us over the course of the next hour. Before he agreed, Ranger asked for a few minutes to allow us to discuss it amongst ourselves. Once he and Joe left, Ranger looked at me. "Babe, if you think it would be uncomfortable working with Joe at Rangeman, we won't do this."

I was finally able to let out the laugh I had been holding in ever since Joe walked in the door. "Miss the opportunity to make Joe my bitch? Are you kidding me?"


	2. The Burg Grapevine

**Okay, I got enough feedback asking for this to go full story. I heard you, and I thank you for your great responses! Let me know if there's anything you'd like to see happen to Joe while he's at Rangeman, and I'll see about working it in... 3:)**

**Oh, and all recognizable characters belong to Janet Evanovich. The mistakes are mine, though.**

It didn't take long for the proverbial shit to hit the fan. The next morning, my phone started ringing off the hook. I didn't bother to answer any of the calls, I figured I'd listen to the messages and then call whoever I thought would keep the ball rolling.

Some of the people who called wanted to know if I heard that Joe was caught sampling the wares on Stark Street, both hookers and drugs. Some people heard that he was caught nailing a fellow officer in the supply closet. Someone even said that they heard Joe was suspended for beating a suspect. My favorite message was from my best friend Mary Lou. She called and said, "I don't know what's going on with Joe, but so far the only thing I haven't heard was that he went to the bonds office, picked up Vinnie, and had a double date with a pair of goats. Call me!" There's a good reason why she's my best friend. My mother even called to see how I was doing, as if I couldn't see right through that one. She also wanted to know how that nice Carlos fellow was, and let me know how glad she is that I seem to be happy. I just deleted her message. Grandma called and said that she had heard that Joe stole Florence Molnar's panties right off her clothesline. She also told me that as soon as my mother started to hear the Joe rumors, she went straight for the whiskey and hasn't stopped ironing. By the time Joe gets "fired" on Friday, Mrs. Morelli is probably going to have an aneurysm.

I called Connie at the bond's office. Connie can always be counted on to be up to date on the latest gossip. She didn't have anything new, but had already heard all of the other rumors. "Come on, Connie, get with the program. I've already heard that he took Vinnie to the petting zoo for a three way with a sheep."

I had to keep the phone away from my head so that I didn't go deaf from the laughter. She must have put the phone on speaker, because I could hear Lula laughing in the background as well. Lula got closer to the phone and said, "Damn, girl. I just about peed myself here. You gotta warn a sister before you go saying shit like that!" I hung up after Connie promised to let me know if she heard anything concrete.

By the end of the week, Joe was drinking on the job, flashing old ladies, and seeing a doctor about a possible gender reassignment. In the end, it was some evidence that went missing, and a low level member of the Grizolli family being released that got Joe fired. It made sense to a lot of people that he would be willing to do a small favor for Teri that he somehow got caught at.

From all outward appearances, Joe was in an uncontrollable downward spiral. His mother was at his house every day bringing him dinner and cleaning for him. She told her friends that he was depressed from being let go, but that he was talking to his union rep and she was sure he would get his job back. In the meantime, he had to get a new job.

Joe POV

I expected the women in the Burg to gossip about me, but Holy Crap. The rumor mill went into sudden death overtime spreading all kinds of lies about me. My mother came over every day with food for me, trying to make sure that I wasn't going to go postal. She told me that she's been drinking Maalox by the gallon. I feel bad for her, but it's not my fault. By the time I got "fired" on Friday, I was actually relieved. I made all the right noises and talked to my union rep. He told me that we'll fight the charges, but I have to look for another job while my grievance is going through the process. At least that part is going according to plan.

Before I can start working for Rangeman, I have to find a different job. I opened up the help wanted ads and started looking for something to do to amuse myself. As I looked through the paper, I was hit by the realization that I have virtually no marketable job skills outside law enforcement. I guess I have to look for something with no experience necessary.

I laughed when I found the perfect job for me. I put the paper down and turned to Bob. "Try not to eat the couch, Bob. Daddy will be home later with a special treat for you." I locked up my house and drove to my destiny.

When I got home at the end of the day, I was exhausted and still in a state of shock. I can't believe I got fired on my first day. How hard could it be to work the counter at the Tasty Pastry? Stephanie did it when she was in high school. It wasn't really my fault that I got fired. I had spent the morning lifting and carrying giant bags of flour and sugar in the kitchen. While I was working the counter, my cousin Mooch came in to pick up a coffee ring for Grandma Bella. He took one look at me behind the counter and said, "Damn, cuz, you hoping someone will take advantage of you behind the eclair case?"

I didn't realize my boss was standing behind me. I gave Mooch one of my favorite Italian hand gestures and said, "Fuck off, Mooch. I'm the only one that gets to nail the employees here." Needless to say, she was not amused. She wrote me a check for my day of work and wasted no time sending me packing.

My second job was at the personal products plant. Apparently, sticking a tampon behind your ear and telling your coworkers that you just believe in being prepared constitutes sexual harassment. Who knew? At least my mother is still checking on me every day. I won't have to worry about starving any time soon.

By the end of the first week, I would have been clinically depressed if I didn't know that this was an undercover assignment. I've already been fired from four different jobs. Don't even ask how I got fired from the lawn care service. It's not something I ever want to think about again. I decided to take a break from job hunting next week and prepare myself for the assignment. I didn't tell my chief, but he was getting a two for one on this job. Access to Rangeman meant I might finally be able to nail those bastards. I can't wait to see the look on cupcake's face as her precious Ranger is led away in cuffs.

By the time a month had gone by, I was more than ready to begin my assignment. I was eventually fired from eleven different jobs. Whenever I went to the grocery store, the Burg busybodies would just look at me and shake their heads sadly. It looked, for all intents and purposes, like I was at rock bottom. I got dressed in my best black suit and printed a fresh résumé. I drove over to the building on Haywood and took a healthy swig of Maalox for luck. I walked in the door and told the goon at the desk, "I have an appointment to speak to Ranger."

**A/N I'm leaving for a week in about ten minutes... I'll still be writing, but don't know if I'll be able to post...**


	3. The new guy

**Greetings from my super secret vacation location (Lake Sutton, WV). I finally got cell signal long enough to upload this one and catch up on some of my favorite stories (wannabebabe & Margaret aka whymelucylu). I'll be back with Cal's story on Monday.**

**I was blown away by all the great reviews to the first two chapters. Y'all are the best!**

**Any characters you recognize belong to JE. All mistakes are mine.**

Ranger POV

I took my meeting with Joe in one of the first floor conference rooms. I'm sure by now that news of his arrival has spread from the control room to everyone in the office. I walked down to the lobby and escorted him myself. Once we were situated in the room, I shook Joe's hand and made a point of glancing at one of the cameras in the corner. He nodded as an acknowledgement that he knew we were being monitored. "Mr. Morelli, how can I assist you?"

He handed me his résumé. "I would like to be considered for a position with Rangeman. I believe that with my background in law enforcement that I could be an asset to your company."

I glanced at the pages he handed me. "What makes you think you can be Rangeman material? In light of your recent difficulties, and given your history with some of our current employees, I would be inclined to believe that you may not be the best fit for our organization."

I could see him practically seething behind his calm exterior. I hope he didn't think I was going to make it easy for him. "I was under the assumption that Rangeman didn't hold a person's past against them. I believe that I can work together with all of your employees. In fact, I look forward to proving myself to be an asset."

It was a good answer. I didn't believe it for a second, but it was a good answer. We talked for a while longer, discussing wages and benefits. As I walked him to the door I said, "While I am ultimately responsible for who gets hired here, I would like to discuss this with some of the core members of my team. I will be in touch with my decision soon." I shook his hand and showed him to the door.

Les was waiting for me in my office. I'm sure he watched the entire interview. He wasted no time getting to the point. "You can't seriously be thinking about hiring that asshole, can you? What about Stephanie? She's gonna have a cow when she hears about this."

I sat behind my desk. "First, I wouldn't even consider hiring him without talking to her. Second, there could be benefits to giving him a job. What is your least favorite job here?"

He didn't even have to think about it. "Monitor Duty."

"And your second?"

"Grandma Patrol."

"And if we had a new hire that we could trust with grandma?"

I could see the light dawn. "Well, a new hire probably would have to learn to do some of the less pleasant jobs. I still don't think she'll go for it."

"You're not thinking outside the box. A new hire would probably have to spend a day with her and her partner Les picking up some of her less agreeable skips and doing whatever she wanted him to do. We could always fire him within his probationary period if it didn't work out."

Les' grin was pure evil. "Damn, I want to be just like you when I grow up."

After I 'talked' to Steph and Tank, I called Joe with the good news. Rangeman would hire him as a probationary employee. I asked him to come over on Friday to fill out paperwork and tour the building. He would start on Monday. After I got off the phone with him, I sent a memo out inviting all my current employees out for a weekend of off road driver training. I put Cal in charge of Joe's orientation on Friday. I know that Cal will show him around and explain the gym and gun range requirements.

On Saturday, we headed out to the Pine Barrens for driver training. I may call it that, but in reality, it was an opportunity to run the vehicles through dirt and mud for a couple of days. We set up a base camp where the guys could grill the steaks Ella sent with us, and had a great time. Even Steph got into the spirit. I made sure she was occupied, and didn't miss having electricity.

Monday morning Joe arrived promptly at 8:00. I had to use every ounce of my legendary control not to laugh at the sight of him in Rangeman black. "Today you will be assisting Luis." I gestured to the man sitting in the visitor's chair. Just do whatever he tells you to."

Luis stood and shook Joe's hand. "Today we need to detail all of the vehicles. Part of our reputation is built on our image, and part of our image is our distinctive black vehicles." Luis turned back to me and winked. He would have Morelli take each of the vehicles to the public car wash. They all got very dirty over the weekend.

Steph POV

All morning on Monday, my phone rang off the hook. Everyone wanted to know why Joe was washing Ranger's Cayenne at the car wash. Connie wanted to know which one lost a bet, since Joe was spotted in Rangeman black.

I was sitting in the break room at lunchtime, eating a sandwich with Lester, Bobby, and Hector. We were joking around talking about Les' latest date when Joe came in to grab a sandwich. Conversation screeched to a halt. Joe looked sweaty and miserable. A small part of me laughed silently at his discomfort. When he got to the door, he turned and said, "Cupcake, I need the keys". That was as far as he got before there were two knives in the doorframe, one on either side of his head. It's a good thing Ranger didn't allow Joe to carry yet. Even though he was a cop, he wouldn't be allowed to carry at Rangeman until Ram clears him at our gun range. I have no doubt that the situation would have gotten bad fast if he had pulled a gun.

Before anyone could say anything else, Hector announced, "Mats, 1600."

Joe looked at me. I tossed him the keys to my SUV and told him, "You know where the gym is. Hector will meet you there at 4:00 to address his grievance.

Joe asked, "How is he going to address a grievance when he doesn't speak English?"

Lester sneered at him. "Don't worry, I'll translate for him."

By 4:00, the gym was filled with off duty Rangemen. Ranger was there to make sure things didn't get out of hand. I stayed in the control room, content to watch Joe's beating on the monitors. I'm sure that this is being recorded and I'll be getting a copy in my email.

Ranger explained to Joe that there would be no head shots and no weapons allowed, but other than that, they would fight to submission. Hector and Les walked onto the mats. Hector said something to Les. Les said to Joe, "You will address Stephanie by her name. She deserves your respect, and you will give it to her." With that, Les stepped off the mats and the two men faced each other.

The fight was short, but brutal. Joe used to box in the Navy, but Hector is a street fighter who trains regularly. Needless to say, Hector handed him his ass. When Joe finally submitted, Les walked back onto the mats and translated again. "Remember to address Stephanie by her name from now on." Joe nodded. "You need some work, you're too soft. Until you learn to fight like a Rangeman, I think we should call you cupcake. Remember this lesson, cupcake. I don't want to repeat it." Lester and Hector walked off the mats, leaving Joe there to relearn how to breathe. Bobby looked him over to make sure none of his injuries needed to be treated.

Joe POV

My first day at Rangeman is over, and I've finally managed to limp home. I'm pretty sure I have a couple of bruised ribs at the very least. Hector may be the smallest man there, but I don't want to fight him again. There was a covered dish on my kitchen counter with a note from my mom. "Mrs. Lucarelli told me that she saw you at the car wash today washing SUV's and wearing all black. I hope you know what you're doing." Hell, at this point, I hope I know what I'm doing.

I didn't get to see much of Ranger's setup today. Most of the day I was at the car wash. I can honestly say that I was both visible and miserable the whole day. Hopefully tomorrow I can spend some time inside the building. For now, I need an ice pack, my ribs are killing me.

As I stepped out of the shower, I could hear my phone ringing. When I answered, Terri said, "Hey, baby. You busy tonight?"

"Sorry, sweetheart, I'm exhausted. I spent the whole day today detailing cars."

"I told you, baby, I can get you a job with my Uncle Carmine. That way you won't be worn out at the end of the day."

"Sweetheart, I don't want to argue about this. I'm trying to get my job with the TPD back. If I jet a job with the mafia, I don't think they're going to let me come back."

Teri got huffy at that. "Carmine has some legitimate businesses." Yeah, and they're all fronts.

That would be just what I needed if I was actually fired. "Look, honey. I don't want argue about this. Why don't I pick up some Pino's for dinner tomorrow and we'll spend some quality time together."

"Okay, baby, I just don't want you to have to work too hard."

I hung up with her and fell into bed. Bob hopped up and laid next to me. I ruffled his fur and said, "Between us bachelors, Bob, Sometimes women just aren't worth it." With that, I dropped off into unconsciousness.


	4. Running with the Big Dogs

**Any characters you recognize belong to JE, all mistakes are mine. All the thanks are for the wonderful reviews you leave. You always know how to make a girl feel special!**

Ranger POV

The next morning, Joe showed up in the gym at 0530. Les grinned at him and said, "Good Morning, cupcake." Most of the men snickered, and Tank almost dropped the weight he was lifting. I could see how hard Joe fought not to say anything that would get him called back to the mats.

After almost a minute, he turned and said, "Morning, Santos." He hopped on a treadmill and began working out.

As I was leaving the gym after finishing my own workout, I called out to Morelli, "Gun Range, 0815." He nodded in acknowledgement. I headed back up to seven to shower and wake up my own personal sleeping beauty.

When I walked into the bedroom, Steph was already awake and lounging against our headboard. She smiled when I walked into the room and said, "Good morning, Birthday Boy." I kissed her and went to take the world's fastest shower. I wanted to get the gym sweat off of myself before we engaged in other activities. Stephanie had other ideas, however, and stepped in right behind me.

We emerged from the bathroom forty five minutes later and I certainly felt refreshed. That woman's mouth is magic. She climbed back onto the bed and patted the sheet in front of her. As I continued to show her my appreciation for birthday morning shower sex, she asked, "Are we going to be offline for the whole day, or just tonight?"

I sucked the skin of her neck into my mouth. Once she knew my plan for today, she would use makeup to cover the hickey I left there, but the predator in me needed to be sure I had marked my woman. She gasped in pleasure, which was music to my ears. "Unfortunately, I have a few meetings to attend. I figured that you and Les could take our new hire out to do a little fugitive apprehension this afternoon."

Stephanie's giggle quickly turned into a moan as I continued my ministrations. We treated ourselves to breakfast in bed. Most of the morning had already passed by the time we emerged from the apartment.

Ram POV

At 0800 I began setting the gun range up so that I could qualify Morelli. To say that I wasn't happy about it would be putting it mildly. In addition to the table of weapons and the shooting stations, I dragged out the ego shots. These were the targets we had each used when making trick shots. Sometimes I don't know why we bother to keep them, but at times like this, I'm glad they're here.

Morelli walked in the door and looked around. This was the first time he was getting a look at our range, so I understood his curiosity. He looked at each of the ego shots before he walked to the table of guns. most of them were handguns, but there were a few shotguns in the mix. I started my spiel. "Some of the guns you see here are ones you will see on the street. Some of them are Rangeman guns. You will fire every gun on this table. I don't expect you to be perfect, but I do expect decent shooting. Before you shoot a weapon, you should be able to identify it. Once you have shot it, you will clean it. You alone are responsible for maintaining your weapon, and while you are employed by Rangeman, you will be issued one of our sidearms. Pick a gun and lets get started."

The weapon a person chooses says more about them than you would think. He looked at the handguns. He selected one and held it up. "Desert Eagle Titanium Gold .50AE." he said. I managed to hide my snort of derision. The Eagle is known as the Hollywood Handgun. It is big and flashy, a gun that you open carry in order to show everyone how macho you are. It also kicks like a mule and doesn't give a tight grouping. I nodded and he walked over to the shooting lane. After he fired the clip I pulled in the target. He was a decent shot, but he'd never be a sniper. He cleaned the weapon as I set up a new target.

He started to look over the remaining weapons, but I stopped him before he made a choice. I handed him the weapon that I wanted him to fire next. "Taurus P92." he said.

Again I nodded. "A terrible weapon, even before parts start falling off of it. This one is safe to use. Go ahead and fire." We went through our routine again.

He looked over the table and picked up another gun. "You have a Bryco .380? Did somebody lose a bet?"

I actually smiled at that. "That was taken off of a skip. No Rangeman in his right mind would carry that piece of crap." We continued to work our way through the handguns. Once I was confident that he could handle each one, we moved to the shotguns. He selected the Remington 12 gauge. Possibly the most recognizable shotgun available. After we finished working our way through the shotguns, I told him, "Rangeman requires you to be cleared to use a shotgun, but you will almost never use one in the field. You will not be shooting rifles. Congratulations, you are cleared for carrying. Choose a weapon."

He chose the Glock 19. It is a reliable weapon, and standard for law enforcement. Once the choice was made I filled out his paperwork and he signed out the weapon. As he was walking towards the door he asked, "What's with these targets?"

I told him, "These are Ego shots. Each target was done by one of the men with the weapon of their choice. Most of them fired two clips in sixty seconds." I could see that sink in. All but two of the targets were silhouettes with either happy or sad faces shot into them and a heart shape in the center mass. Each shooter wrote his name on the target. The last two each had one hole in it. The first one was signed by Ranger, and the second one was mine. I explained, "Ranger's target was still two clips." I noticed that his eyes got wider at that. "My target was one shot, 1800 yards, using a Barrett M82A1."

He looked at me. "But 1800 yards is..."

I nodded. "Over a mile." He looked back at the target, shook his head, and left. I took the targets down off the wall and put them back in the cabinet. Morelli might be an asshole as a person, but he's a decent shot and he might even learn to respect what we do.

Steph POV

I had just gotten to my desk at 11:00 when Joe knocked on my door. At my answer, he sauntered in. "I'm supposed to spend the afternoon with you and your partner," He told me. I paged Les and told him to have a seat while I checked my emails.

Once Les got to my office we went to the garage and picked an SUV to spend the day in. Les drove and I rode shotgun. I already had the files that I wanted Joe to handle, but I figured a stop at the bond's office should be in order. When Joe walked in the door behind us, Lula had to walk into the back room to control herself. I could hear her snorting her laughter out. Once she was done, she walked back out and said, "Sorry, allergies." I could see the tears in Connie's eyes, but she kept her laughter to herself. I had no doubt that this would be all over the Burg the minute we walked out the door. I grabbed our stack of files and told Connie and Lula that I would see them later.

Once we were in the car, Les asked, "Where to next?"

I told him, "I think we should do lunch first, then head to our first FTA. Let's go to Pino's." Les grinned as Joe grimaced, but we made our way towards my favorite meatball subs.

I made sure that we were seated somewhere very visible, but where Les could keep his back to the wall. We placed our orders and as the waitress walked away I saw Carl and Big Dog walk in the door. I said to Joe, "This afternoon we're going to be doing some bond enforcement. These guys are low bonds and not particularly violent, but they're out of Lula's league so they fall to me."

Joe frowned. "I was a cop long enough to know how to arrest someone. We can probably skip this lesson."

Les leaned forward. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Big Dog heading towards the bathroom. He should be close enough to hear whatever Les was about to say. "Listen, cupcake. You may have been a cop, but that's nothing like being a bounty hunter. Beautiful here had been doing this long enough to be able to teach you some things, you should listen to her." Big Dog's eyebrows shot up as soon as Les called Joe Cupcake. He continued past us. Once the door to the men's room closed, Carl's cell phone rang. As soon as he started laughing and looked over here, I knew that Big Dog had just shared Joe's new nickname with him.

I just kept talking. "Bond enforcement agents have different rules than police officers do, Joe. If you don't think you need us to tell you about them, then we'll just see how you do this afternoon." I couldn't call him Cupcake like the other guys, but I don't think the cops will have the same problem with it.

By the time we were ready to leave, the restaurant was filled with snickering cops. Joe's jaw has been clenched so tightly for the last fifteen minutes that he couldn't finish his sub. Once we paid, he stalked to the door, glaring at each of the cops in turn. I stopped the waitress and paid for Carl and Big Dog's lunch, too.

Once we were safely buckled into the SUV, Les asked me, "Who's first?"

I smiled and opened the first folder. "Punky Balog."

**A/N I was going to do the whole day in one chapter, but it started to get way to long. This seemed like the best place to split it. Let me know what you think!**


	5. Go ahead Punky, make my day

**I was truly blown away by all the reviews for the last chapter. All I can say is, Wow! You are the BEST! Let me know if there's anything special you'd like to see happen to dear old Joe while he's trying to be a Merry Man. (snort)**

**Bahnannah, I want your imaginary first child to be named Herbi after my car (Which is not a VW) I think it's only fitting. :-)**

**Any characters you know belong to Janet Evanovich, all mistakes are mine.**

Still Steph POV

When we left Pino's, I called Punky to make sure he was home. If that maybe gave him a little warning to get ready for us, I'm sure it's a coincidence. When we pulled up in front of Punky's row house, his pale, naked ass was yet again pressed up against the upstairs window. We got out of our car and stood there staring at the large, pale moon in front of us. Les looked at me and said, "That's just wrong. I don't think I've ever seen an ass that large or that white."

Punky's ass started to sway back and forth. I said, "Just wait for it, it gets better." No sooner had the words left my mouth when Punky jumped and spun around, treating everyone to the Full Monty.

Les and Joe both quickly turned and averted their gazes. "Jesus, that's just not right," Les said while slapping a hand over his eyes. I couldn't hide the smile that was plastered across my face.

"Come on, boys. We're burning daylight." I was loving this. Any day I can shock one of the guys _and_ quote John Wayne is a good day, indeed.

I led the men up to Punky's porch and opened the front door. I made a sweeping 'after you' gesture. Joe said, "You can't just waltz in like you own the place."

I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. "I told you Joe, the rules are different for bounty hunters. First of all, his door was unlocked like it always is. Second, we have verified that our skip is in residence, so we are authorized to enter and apprehend. You're not a cop, you don't need to wait for a warrant." I walked in the door and stood at the bottom of the stairs. Joe and Les walked in behind me. I shouted at Punky, "All right, Punky. We saw the show. Now, come on down and we'll go reschedule your court date. Don't make this any harder than it has to be."

Punky yelled back from whatever room he was currently hiding in. "I got another surprise for you. I thought you'd be here yesterday, so I already used up all my Vaseline."

I shuddered at the memory of my last encounter with Punky. I turned to Joe and said, "Go get him."

He looked at me like I was crazy. "I'm not going up there, he's naked."

I nodded. "Probably drunk, too. At least he's not covered in Vaseline." Joe just stared at me, wide eyed. "Joe, there is no backup coming. It is our job to bring him back to jail. We get paid to bring his drunk, naked ass back to jail. It's not pretty, and it's not always this easy, but it has to be done. Now go upstairs and cuff him."

Joe just shook his head. "No way. I'll talk to his judge. I'll even pay his fine. I just don't want to touch him."

I blew out an exasperated breath. "Joe, for the last time, you're a bounty hunter. You don't talk to the judge. You don't even talk to the arresting officer. You pick him up and bring him to jail. The only person you talk to is the desk sergeant. If Lula and I can get him, surely you can, too." I figured the taunt would get him moving. His Italian Male pride wouldn't allow him to be shown up by the Lucy and Ethel of bond enforcement.

He started up the stairs. When he was about halfway there, Punky started yelling again. "Faster than a greased pig, able to jump tall bounty hunters with a single bound. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... CRISCO MAN!" With the last bit, Punky leapt from the doorway and stood at the top of the stairs in a superhero pose, hands fisted at his waist and legs spread wide.

Time stopped. Joe was at the perfect point on the stairs where he was eye level with Punky's little decision maker. After about a minute of everyone standing there in shocked silence Punky said, "I don't want you, I want her to come get me."

I said, "You can't always get what you want, Punky." With that, I started laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee myself and tears started rolling down my face.

Punky took a step back. "I'll even settle for the fat chick. I don't want a dude." He turned and ran towards one of the back rooms. Joe finally moved to chase him. He crashed into the door before Punky could close it all the way. Les chased them both up the stairs, not wanting to miss a second of the capture. I stayed leaning against the wall at the bottom of the stairs, holding my sides and still laughing my head off.

I heard another crash and then Joe's shouted, "Son of a bitch." There was a muted thump and more sounds of a scuffle coming from the room everyone was in. When Joe said, "Punky Balog, you're under arrest," I figured the wrestling match was over.

I headed up the stairs yelling, "You're not a cop."

I walked into the room and took in the scene before me. Punky was laying on the floor breathing heavily. He must have warmed up in the tussle, because the Crisco was starting to turn clear in places. One of Punky's nightstands was laying on its side with two legs broken. That must have been the crash I heard earlier. Les was standing to the side of the doorway with his arms crossed and a shit eating grin stretched across his face. Joe was standing next to Punky with his head down and his hands on his knees. I really wanted to see his face, but his hair was standing straight up looking like he had just put gel in it, and his uniform was covered in Crisco. Finally he straightened. I will remember this moment for the rest of my life. Joe was greased from head to toe and looked about as mad as a wet cat. He asked me, "So, how do we get him downstairs?"

I used every ounce of self control I had to keep a straight face. "Wrap him up in his blanket and we'll carry him down. We'll put him in the back of the SUV and drive him over to the station like that."

Joe asked, "What about clothes?"

"He had his chance to get dressed. You want to touch his underwear, be my guest. I'm not going anywhere near his junk." Joe looked at him again and grabbed the blanket off his bed.

Once we got Punky situated in the SUV, Joe asked, "Can we stop at my house so that I can wash this crap off?"

As if. I handed Joe the travel pack of tissues that I keep in my purse for emergencies. At least he could get the gunk out of his eyes. "No, Joe. We have to take him to the station. What would happen if your FTA escaped while you were in the shower? After we drop him off, we'll go back to Rangeman and you can use the shower in the locker room. I'll make sure Ella has a fresh uniform waiting for you."

We pulled up to the police station. Joe and Les pulled Punky out of the SUV, and the four of us trooped inside. They must have seen us on the closed circuit, because there were a lot more cops here than usual. We got Punky situated on the bench, and I handed Joe his paperwork.

The Desk Sergeant didn't even look up when Joe put the paperwork on the counter. I knew he had something planned. This was going to be good. "This is Punky Balog, being returned FTA."

The sergeant looked at the paperwork and filled out a body receipt. When he looked up to hand joe the receipt he smiled and said, "Don't you know donuts are glazed and cupcakes are frosted? Next time, use this." He placed a container of frosting on the counter. The cops in the area all busted out laughing. Joe turned around and walked out, ignoring the frosting.

When we got back to Rangeman, Joe went straight to the gym, and Les and I continued to five. Once we got off the elevator, Les picked me up and spun me around. I'm not afraid to admit I squealed when he did it. He caught me off guard. Once he set me back on my feet he bent me over and planted a big, wet kiss on me. When he finally stood me back up Ranger was standing there, arms crossed. He said to Les, "Is there any reason why I shouldn't put you in traction?"

Les grinned and hugged me again. "Man, if she wasn't crazy in love with you, I'd steal her in a minute." He looked at the men who had gathered around to see the show and shouted, "I love this woman. This has been the best day ever!" With that, he headed towards his office. The rest of the Merry Men followed in his wake, eager to hear what happened.

Ranger and I went to his office. As soon as the door was closed, he picked me up and pressed me against it, kissing me with a lot of tongue. I eagerly kissed him back, wrapping my legs around his waist. By the time we pulled apart, we were both breathing heavily. Ranger leaned his forehead against mine. "Lets take this upstairs, I believe we have some celebrating to do. I'll give you Joe again tomorrow afternoon for Norville Thompson." When he opened the door, Joe was standing there, just about to knock. He took in our obviously disheveled state. Ranger just told him, "Take the rest of the day off. Tomorrow at 0800 you'll start training for monitor duty." Joe nodded and left.

When we got up to seven, Ranger immediately spotted the birthday cake on the dining room table. I said a quiet thanks to Ella and promised to ask her if she would adopt me one of these days. He looked at me and said, "Babe." I know he meant, "That stuff will kill ya."

I walked over to the cake and took a swipe of the frosting with my finger. I held it up to his lips and said, "It's your birthday, live a little." His eyes darkened as he sucked my finger into his mouth. When he released my finger I kissed him, licking the frosting off his tongue. I pulled away from him and picked up the cake plate. Heading towards the bedroom, I turned back to him and said, "Now, do you want to see what I really had planned for this cake?" I turned and walked into the bedroom doing my best Marilyn Monroe impersonation singing, Happy Birthday to You. I knew that he would be right behind me.

**A/N – Okay, So Hector got to take Joe to the Mats and Les got to go pick up Punky. Who do you think is going to take Steph and Joe out to get Norville?**


	6. Mama Mia!

**I tried to get through the whole day in one chapter but again, I couldn't do it. I did at least get through the work day. (Yay, me) Some of what happens to Joe today is a little mean, but everything happens for a reason. Let me know what you think.**

**I want to thank everyone who read and reviewed. Once again I was blown away by the responses.**

**All characters belong to JE, all mistakes are mine. I make nothing from this other than a good laugh at Joe's misfortune. **

RANGER POV

I slept in the next morning. After my birthday celebration with my Babe, I figured that I had gotten enough of a workout. When Steph began to stir, I kissed her deeply. She still had a little chocolate frosting on her cheek. I can't believe what we did with that cake. When we started to get out of bed, I realized that the sheets were practically cemented together by bits of cake and more frosting, but I'd be a fool to complain.

I went to my office chuckling to myself. Over breakfast, Babe told me what happened with the takedown yesterday. I can understand why Santos was so happy. As soon as I sat at my desk, there was a knock at my door. Tank stuck his head in. "Got a minute?" I motioned for him to come inside. He sat and we discussed business for a few minutes. He finally got around to the point of his visit. "You know, we spend so much time on all this admin crap, I'm starting to miss being on the street."

I looked at him. "You do the schedules. I'm sure you could work yourself into the rotation every now and then."

He leaned back in his chair. "I'm too busy for that. I really only have time to help out on a takedown every now and them."

I smirked. I guess Tank heard Santos' story, too. "The only takedown we have scheduled right now is Norville Thompson this afternoon."

He tried to appear nonchalant. "You don't say."

I decided to screw with him. "He wouldn't be much of a challenge for you. Surely you want someone a little more difficult?"

I could see the wheels turning in his head. "I guess I'm just itching to get away from the paperwork for a while. I need a break. Plus, it wouldn't be a bad idea for one of us to evaluate Joe's performance."

I can't really begrudge him the opportunity. "Fine. You take Alice and the mad hatter down the rabbit hole. Have fun."

Tank grinned as he stood. "Thanks, man."

Once he left, I called Hal to let him know the change in plans. After I finished talking to him, I called Ella and told her what I wanted done this morning. She laughed and told me I was mean. I told her that I prefer the term creative.

I could see Joe sitting in the control room watching the screens while Binkie explained protocol. I stuck my head in the door and told Joe, "Change of plans. I want you to spend an hour here with Binkie, then meet Hal in the gym. He's going to work on takedown techniques with you."

HAL POV

I was seriously bummed when Ranger told me that Tank was going to handle the takedown this afternoon. He did let me have a piece of the fun, though. On the brighter side, my time with Morelli will be here in the gym and I already asked Binkie to record it.

Morelli walked into the gym and headed toward the locker room. "Don't change," I told him. "We're going to be working on takedown techniques for FTA's, so you should train in the uniform you'll be wearing."

He joined me on the mats. I told him, "From here on out, I want you to treat me like I'm a skip you need to takedown. Since you should know some of these techniques, I'm not going to go easy on you."

He nodded and we worked on some basic takedown techniques. Once he was warmed up, I asked him, "Do you have all of your equipment on you?"

"Yes."

"Cuffs?" he put his hand on the cuffs tucked into his belt. "Sidearm?" again, his hand moved to his sidearm. "Pepper spray?" Again his hand moved. "Stun gun?" His hand moved. "Is it fully charged?" He pulled it out of its holster and looked at it. I held out my hand. "Here, let me see it." He handed it over. I checked to make sure it was on a low setting and stunned him with it. As he lay on the ground twitching, I stood over him and said, "Never let your equipment out of your possession. We call that move The Bombshell Surprise. You'd be amazed by how often that actually works."

I waited while he regained the use of his limbs. I used a low setting because I didn't want to have to wait for him to regain consciousness as well. Rangeman issued stun guns will drop a rhino. Once he was able to stand, we started working on more advanced techniques. By the time our two hours were up, I was confident that he could handle himself in the field. He may be an asshole as a person, but we might just make a bounty hunter out of him yet.

JOE POV

I walked back upstairs after being thrown around the gym for a couple of hours by a guy that looks like a stegosaurus. For someone so big, he moves surprisingly quickly. It was a good session, though, and I actually learned some moves that I can use once I get out of this hell and back to my real job.

When I got back up to five, I started back to the control room. Another hour sitting on my ass watching monitors sounded like a good idea right about now. When I was about halfway there, Ranger called out and asked me to come to his office. I walked in and he asked me to close the door and take a seat. "How is your first week going so far?"

I blew out a breath. "Let's see, so far I've washed all your cars, had my ass handed to me, got covered in Crisco, been humiliated at the cop shop, and most recently stunned with my own stun gun. I'd say you're doing exactly what Juniak asked you to do."

He smiled. "I guess Hal showed you the Bombshell Surprise?" I chuckled at that. I guess it really is something they've done before. "Any problems that I should be made aware of?"

I thought about it for a minute. "No, Nothing unexpected." Before I could continue, his phone rang. He answered and immediately switched to Spanish. I took three years of the language, but he was speaking so rapidly that about the only word I understood was yes.

He hung up the phone and looked at me again. "New plan. I want you to go to the sixth floor and ask for Ella. Take one of the fleet vehicles and help her with whatever she needs. She'll make sure you're back in time for this afternoon's takedown." I know a dismissal when I hear one, so I stood and left.

There was only one door on the sixth floor, so I knocked and a motherly looking woman answered. "You must be Joseph."

"Yes. Ma'am. What can I help you with?"

She pointed at three large sacks on the floor by the door. "the washing machine broke. I need to take these to the Laundromat."

I grabbed all three sacks and smiled at her. "At your service, ma'am."

We took the elevator down to the garage. I set the sacks down next to one of the SUV's and went to grab the keys. When I came back out, Ella had opened one of the bags and pulled out some sheets. She looked at me and said, "Come help." Between the two of us, we opened the sheet fully and shook out what looked like half a chocolate cake onto the pavement.

Ella walked back to the door and grabbed a broom. I held out my hand and said, "Let me do that for you." She just waved me off and swept up the crumbs. Once we finished and got the bags loaded in the back of the SUV, We left. When we were on the road, I asked her, "I thought Ranger only allowed health food here. They eat cake in bed, and he doesn't call them on it?"

She smiled and patted my hand. "Dear, that cake was grain, gluten, and dairy free. Besides,yesterday was Carlos' birthday."

She didn't need to draw me a map. I threw up a little in the back of my mouth, but managed to keep from saying anything.

We got to the laundromat, and I carried the sacks inside for her. I turned away when she emptied the sack with the sheets into the giant washing machine. I didn't need to look at those sheets again. The next sack contained Rangeman uniforms, and the third sack must have been her personal laundry. Once she got the machines started, we sat in those plastic chairs that I haven't seen since high school.

Once we were seated, she opened the bag she was carrying and took out a lunch sack. She handed me a sandwich and took one for herself. she also gave me a bottle of water. I took a bite out of the sandwich and fell in love with this woman. That was the best sandwich I have ever eaten. Tender roast beef with crisp lettuce, tomatoes, cheddar cheese, and a hint of horseradish on multi-grain bread. If Ella wasn't old enough to be my mother, I'd leave Terri for her in a minute.

We were finishing up our lunch when the door opened and it seemed like all the air got sucked out of the room. I turned around slowly to see my mother standing in the entryway pinning me to my seat with her stare. "Joseph Anthony Morelli, what are you doing here?"

I jumped out of my chair and hurried over to her. "Ma, I can explain."

She just shook her finger at me. "I don't want to hear it. I've already heard from three different women that you were here doing laundry and eating like a homeless person. Didn't I raise you right?"

"Ma, I'm working right now. The industrial machine at Rangeman broke, so I drove Ella here." My mother looked over at Ella, who did a little finger wave. "Since I will most likely miss lunch, she brought me the best sandwich I've ever eaten." I shut my mouth, but it was too late to take the words back. Except for the sounds of the washing machines, there was complete and utter silence in the laundromat. The theme song from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly ran through my head. My mother sucked in a breath and her eyes got as big as saucers. I tried to take it back. "Ma."

"Don't you Ma me young man. I'll see you at dinner tonight." She started to turn to leave, but stopped halfway. She looked at the woman who stood off to the side looking slack jawed, the panties she was folding sitting in her hand forgotten. My mother nodded her head to acknowledge the woman and said, "Margaret." With that she stormed out of the laundromat.

I walked back to my seat on rubbery legs. I just flopped down and buried my head in my hands. Ella laid a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see the sympathy in her eyes. "I can't believe I just insulted my mother's cooking in front of an audience." I looked at the woman my mother greeted who was now texting like a maniac with an evil grin.

Ella rubbed small circles on my back. "Bring her flowers and tell her you're sorry. Eventually she'll forgive you."

I spent the rest of our time there on the phone with Terri, begging her to come to dinner with me. She didn't want to go to my my mother's house, but in the end she agreed. There was no way I was going alone. My mother would never kill me in front of a guest.

We made it back to Rangeman in time for me to carry the laundry sacks back to six, then I went to meet Stephanie for another takedown.

ELLA POV

Only an asshole would say something like that to his mother, but he was very polite.

TANK POV

I parked the SUV on Stark Street as close to Thompson's apartment as I could get. Regina and Deborah were sitting on the stoop two doors down as always. They watched Bomber get out of the car and called out to her. "Hey, white girl, you gonna give us a show today?"

She smiled and waved. "Not me. We got us some new meat." she stepped aside so the girls could see Morelli standing behind her.

Regina looked surprised. "Shit, white girl, what'd you bring the 5-0 here for?"

Deborah pushed her arm. "He the one got busted. He ain't the po-po no more. He tryin to run with the big dogs now." Both girls laughed.

The three of us entered Thompson's building and climbed to the third floor. Bomber told Morelli, "He has asthma and a pacemaker, so no pepper spray or stun guns." At Morelli's nod, she knocked on the door. "Norville, open the door, I need to talk to you."

From the other side we heard, "Lousy Fuckers. Don't you have anything better to do than harass an old man?"

She tried the doorknob again. When it didn't open, she turned to Morelli and told him to go ahead and pop it. He gave her a look that said he didn't want to do it. She put her hands on her hips and glared. I chuckled to myself as he kicked the door open without arguing. She says that we have ESP, but the two of them just had an entire conversation without saying a word.

We walked in the door and Norville was across the room standing next to a table loaded with food. Stephanie and I each took a step to the side. She said to him, "Come on, Norville, let's just get this over with."

He just said, "Lousy fuckers," and let fly. Morelli just stood there, momentarily stunned while Norville threw all his groceries at us. Once he ran out of ammunition, bomber and I raced forward and subdued him. Once we had him cuffed, we stood him up and turned towards the door.

We stopped cold at the sight that greeted us. Morelli was covered from head to toe in food. There were eggshells in his hair and Rice Krispies on his face. Some uncooked pasta was stuck to his shirt and there was flour everywhere. He was holding a jar of mayonnaise looking at it like he had no idea where it came from. I think he might have been in shock. Stephanie asked him, "Why didn't you move?"

He looked at her with a blank expression and said, "I can't believe he just threw that stuff." It took every ounce of willpower I had to keep a straight face.

Norville looked at him and said, "Lousy fucker. You're lucky I didn't have to piss." I couldn't hold the laughter in anymore. I turned away from the cop and snorted for a minute until I could contain myself.

When we got to the police station, Eddie Gazarra was just walking out the door. Stephanie turned to Joe and said, "Why don't you wait here, we'll bring him in." Joe just nodded.

Before we could open the doors, Eddie walked up to the car. I rolled down my window and he looked in. "Hey, Steph, what's new?"

She smiled at him and said, "Hey, Eddie, we're just bringing in Norville Thompson."

He looked in the back of the car. A huge grin crossed his face. "Cupcake, the ingredients go on the inside."

Norville looked at Joe and said, "Lousy fuckers."

When we got back to Haywood, Joe got off the elevator at the gym. As soon as the elevator doors closed, I doubled over laughing. Stephanie laid across my back laughing every bit as hard. The doors opened on five, but neither of us could move yet. Before the doors closed I reached out and pressed the door open button. By the time we stumbled out of the elevator, we were surrounded by the rest of the men. I grabbed Bomber up in a bear hug and planted a kiss on her lips. "Little girl, anytime you want to bring in a skip, you be sure to give old Tank a call."

I walked to my office with a spring in my step.

A/N - Sp many of you asked for Hal to be the one to go today that I moved his happy up. Hope you liked it! :-) Also, I pinned the recipe for the chocolate cake Ella made to my Pinterest page. /spiffytgm/plum-diamond.


	7. Taking one for the team

**Thank you all so much for your reviews and encouragement. I love it when you share your thoughts!**

**A Super special thanks goes to KbellaManoso. You really got me thinking about her!**

**If you recognize any characters, it's probably because they belong to Janet Evanovich. If you recognize any mistakes, they're mine! (but don't tell anyone) :-)**

JOE POV

After I took yet another shower, I went back to five and the comfort of the control room. I think there are still some eggshells in my hair. Binkie smirked when I walked into the room. I guess he already heard about my latest capture. I could hear Steph and Tank's laughter through the elevator shaft. Hell, Binkie probably saw me on the camera in the elevator.

When I left for the day, I had some time to kill before I had to go to my mother's house. I went to a small dive bar in a seedier part of town. One of the reasons I went there was that the chance of seeing someone I know is very slim. The main reason though, is to make contact with the bartender. Johnny is living with the sister of a member of the Campanoli family. If our information is correct, This will be the biggest bust of my generation, and I'll be right in the middle of it. Johnny's connection is tenuous at best, but I need to be subtle. I bellied up to the bar and ordered a whiskey, neat. Johnny handed me my drink and took in the black Rangeman uniform. "That's a new look for you, Detective Morelli."

I snorted. "I thought by now the whole city knew that it's Former Detective Morelli."

He started wiping down the bar. "People say all kinds of things."

I raised my glass. "Well, people suck." After I downed the drink, I dropped a twenty on the bar and stood. I spent enough time here to know that he would tell his girlfriend that the rumors were true. I'll come back in a couple of days for another drink. Opening the door to communication is slow work.

By the time I got to my house, I was ready to get out of this uniform. I let Bob out to do his business, then went upstairs to find a shirt clean enough to pass the mom test. I was stripped down to my tighty whiteys when I felt eyes on me. I turned to see Terri leaning against the doorway, admiring the view. I stalked over to where she was standing and grabbed her by the waist. Since I was only wearing my underwear, I wouldn't have to waste any time undressing. "See something you like?"

I was laying in bed feeling satisfied when Terri came out of the bathroom. She smoothed her dress and looked at me in the mirror. "I wish you would reconsider coming to work for Uncle Carmine," she said.

Just like that, the afterglow was gone. "I have a job already."

She snorted. "Yeah, I heard." She turned and walked over to the bed. She sat down next to me. "Look, Baby, you were a great cop, but I don't think you're cut out to be a bounty hunter."

I got mad. "I've only been doing this for a few days. There's a learning curve."

She looked incredulous. "You have to learn how to not get covered in Crisco? How do you think I feel when the guys start talking about your latest mess? Really, baby, it's embarrassing."

I got out of bed and picked my jeans up off the floor. Turning away from her, I started to get dressed. "Well, excuse the hell out of me for embarrassing you. You think I like having eggs thrown at me? It's not my fault. These skips are nuts! In the future, I'll try my best not to embarrass you anymore."

She came up behind me and put her hands on my shoulders. Leaning her head against my back she said, "Baby, I'm sorry. I just want you to be happy. I don't see why you have to work with Stephanie Plum."

I turned around and took her face in my hands. "Hey. Anything that Stephanie and I had is in the past. We work together, but that's it. End of story."

A tear gathered in the corner of her eye. "You used to tell people the same thing about us."

I blew out a frustrated breath and started pacing the room. "I don't have time for this, Terri." I mean really, why do women have to pick apart every little thing you do or say? Shit like this drives me crazy. I walked back up to her and held her waist. "Look. I'll think about working for Uncle Carmine, okay?" She nodded and I kissed her forehead. "Now, let's go to my mother's house so I can get my ass chewed."

We walked into my mother's house and I was immediately slapped upside the head by Grandma Bella. "What the hell?"

She shook her finger at me and said, "I know why you're late. All men are sex fiends."

I rubbed my head. "I love you too, grandma."

She said, "You're lucky you're my favorite grandson or I'd give you the eye."

I walked Terri into the dining room and sat her at the table. It was just after six, but dinner wasn't on the table yet. Shit. My mother must have held dinner until I showed up. I was in for it now.

As if the thought of my mother conjured her, she appeared in the doorway. "Joseph, could you come in the kitchen for a moment, please?" She looked at Terri. "Teresa, it's good to see you again."

I walked into the kitchen and handed my mother the flowers we stopped to get. I remembered Ella's advice, and they seemed to work a little. She smiled at them and put them in a vase. When she turned back to me, her expression turned hard again. "Didn't I raise you right? Didn't you always have clean clothes, fresh meals, and a roof over your head?" I knew better than to answer her. She was just getting warmed up. "Where did I go wrong? You had a good job. You were respectable. What happened?"

"Ma, I have a job."

"Oh, yes. You have a job all right. My phone hasn't stopped ringing in days with people wanting to tell me all about your new job. You told me that those men were thugs and criminals, and now you're washing their cars? You're doing their laundry?"

"Technically, it was Ella that was doing the laundry. I was just driving her."

"Ella who cooks so much better than your own mother?" Oh, shit. I probably should have kept my mouth shut. "Ella who made the best sandwich you've ever eaten? Did she have to go to the principal's office when you got in trouble for fighting? Did she put up with your pazzo (crazy) father to give her children a good home? I bet you Bernie Kuntz never told his mother she was a bad cook."

"Ma, I didn't say that. You know how much I love your cooking."

"I spent half the day making you manicotti. I should just throw it away and let you go have her dinner. She probably makes better manicotti anyway."

"Ma, you know you make the world's best manicotti. I don't want her dinner, I want yours." Good lord, this was starting to get a little Twilight Zone crazy here. "I'm sorry I said that, Ma. I wasn't thinking."

She seemed to accept that. "Now, what about this job? I bet you Anthony Gorman's mother never gets calls that her son is in the police station covered in Crisco. Even Walter Dunphy and Dougie Kruper's parents probably never get calls that their boys are doing an impersonation of a Chicken Parmigiano out on Stark Street. No. It's my son, the police officer, that does this. My boy, who made something out of his life, who eats his lunch in the Laundromat and works with criminals. I want you to quit that job, Joey. I've been drinking Maalox by the gallon since you started that job."

"Ma, I can't do that."

"Yes you can. You march right down there tomorrow and tell them you quit. I got you an application for the button factory. I heard they're hiring."

"Ma, I'm not going to quit my job. I'm doing good work, still getting criminals off the street. Can't you understand that that's what I need to do? Besides, it's only until I get my job back. You'll see, ma."

She cupped my cheek. "Oh, Joey. Of course you'll get your job back. They'd be crazy to let you go." Great. Now I made my mother feel bad. She's probably worried that I'll get depressed again. I'm starting to wonder if this assignment is worth it. "Go out to the dining room. I'll bring dinner right out."

We managed to make it through dinner without any more mention of my fall from grace. After dinner was over, Terri offered to help clean the table, but my mother refused. We left with more leftovers for my fridge. I was just glad Grandma Bella didn't have another one of her "visions".

We got back to my house, and I convinced Terri to have a sleepover. I have the day off tomorrow because I have to work on Saturday. Besides, the boys really missed her.

Friday morning, I went to the gym. After my workout, I showered and went upstairs for the morning meeting. The topic of discussion was the takedown of a high level skip. Ranger said that they would be doing a distraction. Stephanie asked what kind of outfit she would need to wear. Ranger smiled and said, "Sorry, Babe, I don't think you're the distraction we need for tonight." As he spoke, Tank passed out folders with detailed information on the skip. "As you can see from the information, the skip is a homosexual with a fixation on The Jersey Shore." All eyes focused on me.

I realized what they were asking me to do. "Oh, hell no."

Stephanie rolled here eyes. "Come on, Joe. All you gotta do is dress like a Guido, and let this guy pick you up. It's not like you have to let him pork you."

Ranger dismissed everyone else. When it was just the three of us in the room, he said, "This guy is an insanely high bond. Rangeman's take is half a mil. If you do the distraction, your bonus is fifty thousand dollars, and all it will cost you is an hour in a gay bar in Point Pleasant."

Holy crap. Fifty thousand to pick up a guy? I can pull up my big boy pants for that much money. "And I don't have to kiss him, or shit like that, right?"

Stephanie giggled. "This guy is into first timers. He'll be all over you, Joe. What are the odds that someone from the Burg is going to be in a gay bar in Point Pleasant?"

I agreed to do it. Hopefully, it will be easy money. Since I was going to be working tonight, Ranger told me that I would be spending the morning with Bobby, and would have the afternoon off. I needed to be back here at 8:00 to change into the outfit Ella was getting for me. When I left the conference room to find Bobby, I was feeling nauseous.

Bobby was in the medical office on three, close to the gym. When I walked in, Bobby grabbed a clipboard and a stopwatch and told me to follow him. We got in an SUV, and drove to Ft. Dix.

BOBBY POV

I could tell Morelli was confused when we drove to Ft. Dix. I decided to clue him in. "All Rangeman employees are required to pass physical fitness exams and submit to a yearly physical. The exam must be completed to the basic standard for admittance to the Army Ranger program." I pulled up to the obstacle course. "There are six phases to the exam. We don't require the 16 mile hike or the 15 meter swim. You will have two minutes each to do push-ups and sit-ups. The minimums for these are 49 push-ups and 59 sit-ups. You are required to do six pull-ups. You will have to complete a five mile run. You have to do two miles in 15:12 and all five miles in forty minutes. This counts for two of the phases. The final phase is the obstacle course. You have twelve minutes to complete it. Since your test is in two weeks, I thought you would like to take a look at the course. I know you were in the Navy, so some of this should be familiar to you,"

He was staring at the Wall Hanger, looking a little green. I handed him a pair of gloves. And told him to have at it. His times were a little slow, he didn't get all of the obstacles on the first try, and he threw up a couple of times, but two weeks should be enough for him to get into the shape he needs to be in.

He might be an asshole as a person, but he should be able to pass his exam.


	8. Singing in the rain

**I apologize to anyone who had problems getting this chapter... It's not my fault, really! Seemed to be a problem with the website...**

**All right, we made it to the distraction. Since this is a Rangeman operation, everything should go smoothly, right? **

**Heartfelt thanks to Margaret and Kelly for reading ahead and helping smooth out the rough spots! **

**Super Special thanks for all the wonderful reviews, I really do hope that you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it.**

**All characters belong to JE. I'm just playing with them for a while. I'll put them back, I promise.**

JOE POV

I got back to Rangeman just before 8:00. After my morning with Bobby, I went home and took a nap. I don't have the first friggin' clue how I'm going to pass that physical. I think Bobby was pulling my leg with those times.

Stephanie was waiting for me when I got off the elevator at five. She walked me down the stairs and into an empty apartment on the fourth floor. Whoever decorated this place had much better taste than my Aunt Rose. The furniture looked masculine and comfortable. Ella came in behind us with a clothes bag over her arm. She smiled and handed me the bag. "You go put this on, dear. We'll fix your hair when you come out." Wait, what did she mean, fix my hair? What's wrong with my hair?

I went into the bedroom and opened the bag. Holy Crap. Every piece of clothes in the bag was top of the line, and they all had the tags still attached. The funny thing is that I probably have outfits like this at home that I bought at Walmart for fifty bucks. I examined each piece as I took it out of the bag. The first thing I removed was the pair of Nike Lebron 11 elite sneakers in black and gold with a price tag of $275. The shirt was a Rebel Spirit SSK270 which cost $130. Next was a pair of Affliction Ace Negative Termini jeans that cost $135. Over five hundred dollars and I haven't even opened the accessory bag that was attached to the hanger. Even the suits I own don't cost this much. The clothes fit me like a glove, and when I looked in the mirror, I could admit I looked hot.

The bag of accessories came from Armani Exchange. There was a belt, a couple of leather bracelets, and a thick gold chain. By themselves, these must have cost at least another five hundred. I was wearing a thousand dollars' worth of clothes that made me look like I was getting ready to meet The Situation and go clubbing. I walked back out to the living room to find Ella and Stephanie sitting on the couch. All kind of different hair products were spread out on the table in front of them.

They chatted happily while they gelled my hair and used a blow dryer to get it into shape. When they were done with that, they sprayed me with Acqua Di Gio, and considered me done. I walked back into the bedroom, and no longer recognized the guy staring back at me in the mirror. I looked like an overblown gorilla and felt like an idiot.

Stephanie led me to the conference room where Ranger was waiting. I must be amusing the hell out of him, because the corner of his mouth turned up like he was thinking about smiling. I went to run my hand through my hair, but it got stuck about an inch in. Stephanie giggled and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Ranger handed me a wire and went over my cover with me. "You've been in a long term relationship with a man you met in college. He recently left you for another man. You work as a mechanic, but I doubt he'll ask. Santos will be working the bar, Junior and Hector will be inside as well. He should show up around 10:00, so we need to leave soon to get you in place. The wire you're wearing will allow us to hear you. Just be aware of your surroundings, and we'll get you out if there's any trouble." Once I assured him that I didn't have any questions, we went to the garage and got into Ranger's Cayenne.

I could hear the music as soon as I got out of the car. I felt a sick sense of dread when I paid the cover charge and walked in. The song that was playing was "It's Raining Men". Figures. Some men were on the dance floor. I spotted Hector sitting at a table with a good view of the bar, but I didn't see Junior.

The Bar itself was packed. I guess Santos was collecting his own admirers. I found an empty stool and sat. When Les finally made his way over to me, I ordered a vodka and tonic. Santos gave me a wink and a tonic water. That was a shame because I've only been here for ten minutes, and I could already use a drink. I've already turned down one offer to dance and one to move to a table to talk. I feel like a piece of fresh meat, and everyone wants a bite. I was trying to figure out how long I had to sit there, when Santos walked over and slid another drink in front of me. He tipped his head towards the other end of the bar and said, "From the gentleman over there." I could see that he was fighting to keep a straight face. I looked in the direction he indicated, and my stomach dropped. Sitting at the bar texting furiously was none other than Stephanie's weasel of a cousin, Vinnie. He tucked his phone in his pocket and gave me a shit eating grin.

I was about to go beat the crap out of him when Santos took my glass and whispered, "Don't break your cover, cupcake. Your skip just walked in the door." I took the new glass in a death grip, but managed to get the look of murderous rage off my face.

The Skip zeroed in on me and walked straight to the bar. I guess Ella and Stephanie were right about the look. He sat on the stool next to me. I glanced at him and gave him a small smile. That's usually what chicks do to let you know they're interested, I figured it would work here.

Sure enough, the skip leaned towards me and said, "First time?"

I smirked. "Does it show?"

He laughed. "A little." He held out his hand. "Name's Jim."

I shook his hand. "Tony."

"So what brings you here, Tony?"

I took a healthy drink of my tonic water and said, "Putting myself back on the market. I have to start someplace."

He looked sympathetic. "You want to talk about it?" I finished my drink and Jim signaled the bartender for a fresh round.

"Not much to tell. We knew each other our whole lives. We finally got together when I was eighteen. I thought it was going to last forever. Then a good looking Cuban shows up in a Porsche, and I'm yesterday's news."

He put his hand on my thigh and leaned in. I kept my stare firmly on my glass, not willing to admit to myself that a little sympathy felt nice. "From where I'm sitting, it looks like he's the one that's missing out on a good thing."

"But I'm the one that's alone." We each took a minute to let that sink in.

Jim finished his drink. "Why don't we go someplace quiet where we can talk? Get to know each other a little better?"

I finished my drink as well. "Sounds like a good idea to me."

We each settled our bar tabs and he put his hand on my lower back as we walked out the door. Okay, that felt kind of creepy, but I didn't let him see that it bothered me. As soon as we were outside, Cal and Tank had the skip on the ground and were cuffing him.

I stayed in character while they arrested him. Looking surprised, I said, "What the hell?"

The skip looked at me and said, "Sorry, Tony. I'll try to make this up to you."

Cal smirked at me. "Yeah, sorry, _Tony_. Looks like your boy toy is going to be busy for a while." I stood there and watched as they led him to a waiting SUV and drove away.

Ranger walked up to me and clapped me on the back. "Good work. I'll keep your number in my rolodex in case we have another distraction for you."

"Fuck you, Ranger. I just want to go and take a long, hot shower."

The drive back to Haywood was silent. I kept hoping that Stephanie would put some Metallica on the radio or talk or something. I wasn't comfortable with the thoughts in my head. When we got back to Rangeman, Stephanie got my clothes out of the back of the Cayenne. As she handed me the bag, she said, "You can keep the distraction outfit." I didn't know if I ever wanted to look at it again.

I tried to call Terri on the drive home, but her phone was off. I went with my backup plan. The phone was answered on the third ring. "Hello?" She sounded sleepy.

"It's me."

"Joe?"

"Yeah."

There was silence on the other end of the line. Just when I was beginning to think she hung up, she said, "Why did you call?"

Really? No, 'Gee, it's good to hear from you' or 'Hey, are you okay', just 'why did you call'? "You know what? Fuck it. I'm sorry I bothered you, Robin. I thought it might be nice to see a friendly face, but if you're not interested, then I'm sorry I interrupted your night."

"Joe, don't be like that. You just caught me off guard. Why don't you come over?"

She may be the backup plan, but I know she'll take good care of me and the boys.

Depending on how you look at things, it was either really late or really early by the time I got home. I had showered at Robin's apartment in an effort to stay awake long enough to get home. All I wanted at this point was a few hours of sleep before I had to go back to work. I let Bob out and then climbed the stairs to where my bed was calling my name. Surprisingly, my bed wasn't empty when I walked in. Terry was sitting there looking sleep-rumpled. "Where were you last night?"

I really didn't need this right now. "I told you I had to work last night."

"I suppose you were with her?"

"Jesus, Terri. Stephanie was there, but I wasn't _with her _with her. When the job was done, I crashed in one of their empty apartments." That sounded reasonable to me. "I came home to take care of Bob and get a little more sleep, not be harassed in my own bedroom." I took off my shirt and threw it in the direction of the laundry basket.

Terri stood. "Fine. I'll leave you to your beauty rest." She stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door. I fell onto the bed and crashed.

When I woke up a few hours later, Terri was gone. I knew I was going to pay for that one later. In the meantime, I got dressed and went back to Rangeman. Binkie was waiting for me in the control room. "Since it's Saturday, we don't have a full staff. You and I will take a shift on the monitors, then Ram and Slick will come in and we'll take a patrol."

Monitor duty is mind numbingly boring. After two hours of it, my ass was asleep, and I was afraid I would be following its lead. Ram and Slick came in and relieved us just in time. Binkie and I got in one of the SUV's and left to patrol the streets.

We drove over to Vinnie's office to see if they had any files for us. When we walked in the door, I asked if Vinnie was in. Connie said no, but pointed at the office door behind her. I guess he has the office bugged again.

I went into his office, and the little weasel was sitting behind his desk. "Well, Former Officer Morelli, you certainly look different by the light of day."

I was ready to climb over his desk and throttle him. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't come over there and beat the crap out of you."

He paled. "Because I'm not the only one who saw you there."

That stopped me cold. "Vinnie, who else was there?"

He kept his mouth shut.

I leaned on his desk. Vinnie may have thought he was funny last night, but there's a good reason why he usually hides behind Connie, locked in his office. "Who else knows, Vinnie?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I pounded his desk with my fist. "I saw you texting last night. WHO ELSE KNOWS?"

Binkie poked his head in the door. "Everything okay in here?"

Vinnie waved him off. "We're fine." When Binkie left, Vinnie turned to me. "Okay. I was just gonna yank your chain a little. I know you were after a skip last night. Why else would Santos and Junior be there? And I might have sent a picture to Joyce, but I didn't tell her where I took it. We were just laughing about the getup you were wearing, I swear. Besides, I'm not the one you should be concerned about."

"Spit it out, Vinnie, I haven't got all day."

"Doesn't Ranger always tell you guys to be aware of your surroundings? I'm surprised you didn't notice your own cousin Mooch."


	9. All in the family

**Let's hope that today is a better day to post. I can't help but chuckle as I type, it wasn't my fault! :-)**

**As a quick note, I don't have a clue how the phone company works, so I'm going with magic. We all know that Hector's better than them anyway.**

**Thank you again for the reviews, I love hearing what you think!**

**Wannabebabe, I was going to write it like that, but I think this way works better…**

**All the characters belong to JE. All the mistakes are mine.**

MOOCH POV

Holy Crap. There isn't enough bleach in the world to get the things I saw last night out of my head. It started with a text message from a blocked phone number. All it gave me was an address, a time, and a sentence. "It'll rock your world." Well, my world has been rocked, all right. In fact, it's been shaken off its very foundation.

I should have left as soon as I saw what kind of bar it was. To each his own and all that, but it ain't my scene. Still, I was curious about the text, so I sat at a table in a corner and waited. Just as I was about to get up and leave, my cousin walked in. MY FREAKING COUSIN, the Italian Stallion. I couldn't move. Hell, I don't think I was even breathing at that point. I don't know what surprised me more, the fact that he was even there, dressed like one of those idiots from MTV, or the fact that he didn't turn around and leave once he realized what the deal was.

I sat at my table and watched with growing horror as some dude sat next to him and started talking. I have no clue what they said, but Joe let the guy put his hand on Joe's thigh. I felt like I was gonna hurl. I've been his wingman since we were twelve, I've seen him pick up any skirt he wanted, hell, I've even 'consoled' his leftovers. I'm sure I would have known if something strange was up. Aunt Angie would blow a gasket if she ever found out. Before I could get up to go knock some sense into him, they started to leave. Dude had his hand on Joe's back like he was staking a claim. This is fucked up. I counted to ten in my head to cool myself down before I went out there. When that didn't work, I counted to ten again. By the time I got to one hundred, I was still pissed, and I didn't think it was going to get any better.

I paid my tab and got the hell out of there. When I got outside, I saw a pair of taillights disappear into the night. They probably stopped to make out or some shit. That's when I threw up. I knew I was going to have to pay my cousin a visit tomorrow.

Joe wasn't home yet when I let myself into his house. I sat on his couch, petting Bob dog and waiting. I can't seem to make myself forget what happened last night. I walked to the door when I heard his car pull up. I stood behind his door as he opened it and walked in. When he turned to close the door, I sucker punched him. He bent over, grabbed me around the waist and pushed me into the living room. I got tripped up on his coffee table, and we went down hard, smashing through the cheap wood. He was sitting on top of me, pinning me to the carpet. He took a good look at me and said, "Mooch, what the fuck?"

I managed to throw him off and we continued to roll around on the floor, beating the crap out of each other. I asked him, "Why, damn it, why?"

He shoved me off of him and we just laid on the carpet gasping for air. He said, "Mooch, it wasn't what you think it was."

I didn't let him get any further. "You mean you weren't at a gay bar last night?"

"I was there, but."

I stopped him again. "Let me guess. You're about to say, 'but the dude I left with didn't mean anything'? Fuck you, Joe. I've always been there for you. Hell, we double teamed Barnyard together. Did you already go through all the women in Jersey and decide to branch out?" He tried to say something, but I wasn't done. "Who did you call when you were on the run and needed someone to help you? Who has always had your back? Me, that's who. Why didn't you call me?" Oh, fuck. How the hell did I get there? That wasn't what I was going to tell him. I was saved from his answer by the sound of a loud crash coming from the kitchen. We both sat up and turned to see what the noise was. Joe had pulled his gun, but quickly put it away. His mother stood in the doorway with a look of shock and horror, her casserole dish shattered on the floor by her feet.

JOE POV

I knew I shouldn't have stopped at the bar on the way home. I knew Mooch was going to be looking for me. I had to go, though. I need to establish myself as a regular. I need to get this thing moving so I can get the fuck away from Rangeman. I'm in too far to back out now. I need for everyone to know that I did this for a reason. If I quit now, I'm just another Morelli failure in a long line of failures.

If I had gotten home sooner, my fight with Mooch would have been over before my mom got there. She would have never heard Mooch say that shit. I can't fucking believe he basically just told me that he was jealous because I left the bar with a dude, and my mother heard him.

I got up off the floor and led my mother to a chair. She was crossing herself and saying a Hail Mary. Why me? I sat on the couch next to her, stepping over Mooch in the process. He just sat on the floor with his face buried in his hands. "Ma, this isn't what you think it is."

She stopped crossing herself and looked at me. "Didn't I raise you right? I sacrificed my life for my children, and for what? So that I can find out that my baby boy is picking up strange men in bars? I bet Irma Stankovic never found out that her son was doing that."

"Ma, listen to me. I was working last night. Mooch, I want you to listen to me, too." I looked at my cousin to make sure he was paying attention. "I was at that bar to pick up a dangerous criminal who happens to like Italian men. I did not go there to pick up a guy in the way you think. I was there to catch a criminal. The second we walked outside, the men who were outside waiting for us arrested him."

Mooch just sat on the floor, staring at his hands. My mother still didn't look thrilled with my answer. "Now will you quit that job? If you worked at the button factory, you would have never been in a place like that. This job is no good for you, Joseph."

What is it with the button factory? "Ma, if I wasn't there last night, someone could have gotten hurt. I had a job to do, and I did it. Another criminal is off the street because of me. Please don't ask me to quit a job that I'm good at."

We were all silent for a few minutes. My mother looked like she was going to cry. "I made you dinner, but I'm afraid it's ruined." She looked at the casserole that was all over my floor.

"Don't worry, Ma. I'll call Terri and take her out to Pino's for dinner."

She looked hopeful. "Terri's a good girl. You shouldn't let her get away." Really? My mother spent most of my high school years telling me to stay away from Terri. She used to tell me that nothing good came from dating a mob princess. Now she doesn't want me to let her get away? Now I know I'm in the Twilight Zone.

My mother stood. "I'll just clean up this mess then leave. You call Terri." I could tell that she wasn't going to leave until I had a date with a girl. I called Terri and she agreed to meet me at 8:00 after a little begging on my part. She was still upset about this morning.

When I hung up the phone, I looked at Mooch. I didn't know how to deal with this, so I decided to just avoid the issue altogether. I walked him to the door. As he was leaving, I asked, "We still going to the game next week?"

He looked at me. A thousand emotions crossed his face. He just shrugged and said, "Yeah". He started to walk away, then turned back. "Just so you know, the only reason I was there was because I got an anonymous text with a time and an address. Usually when I get those it's some chick you hit and quit. They call me for a revenge bang. I just never told you before."

What he said stopped me in my tracks. "Do you know the number it came from?"

He just said, "Nah, the number was blocked. That ain't the first time that's happened."

After he left, I helped my mother clean up the mess so I could get her out of the house. Once she was gone, I called Ranger. He answered with a terse, "Morelli".

"I need to talk to you, now."

"Come to Haywood, I'll meet you on Seven." He hung up on me.

When I stepped into the elevator, I realized that there are only six floors to choose from. Before I could even get my phone out of my pocket, the doors closed and the elevator started to rise. When it got to the seventh floor, the doors opened and Ranger was standing there, waiting for me. He brought me in to his apartment. I couldn't help but look around. For years, the only thing I knew about him was that the address on his driver's license was a vacant lot.

Stephanie was nowhere to be seen as Ranger ushered me into his office. We sat and he said, "I assumed you wanted some privacy for this meeting."

"What I want is to know who the fuck told my cousin that I was going to be at a gay bar last night."

He arched an eyebrow. "None of my men would have done something like that."

He looked so smug that I wanted to punch him. "Bullshit. Do you really think it was a coincidence that he got an anonymous tip to be there on the only night in my life I'll ever set foot in there?"

Ranger typed something on his computer. "I'll need your cousin's phone number." I gave it to him and he typed again. After a minute, he picked up his phone and made a call. After saying something in Spanish, he hung up. A few minutes later, Hector walked into the room. They had a brief conversation and Ranger stood. Hector sat in his chair and Ranger gestured for me to come around the desk.

Before I could blink, Hector had hacked into the phone company's system and was looking through Mooch's records. He found the text message with an ease that was frightening, and displayed the previously blocked phone number. I didn't need them to tell me that I was looking at the number of a burn phone. When Ranger used his own cell phone to dial it, we were informed that the number was no longer on service. Hector closed the program and left. Ranger looked at me. "If whoever did this was smart, that phone is at the bottom of the Delaware River by now. I can only tell you that I'm sure it was none of my men. None of them would jeopardize an operation."

"And again I say bullshit. It was probably Santos. He's been out to get me since I started here."

Ranger dialed his phone again. "How soon can you get to seven?" He hung up the phone and looked at me. "He's on his way. Before you say a word to him, you should know that he is my cousin and I trust him with my life." Oh, shit. I just accused the man's own cousin. He continued. "I will question my men personally. I won't tolerate a breach in protocol."

I was spared from having to answer by a knock on the door. Lester poked his head in. "You wanted to see me, cuz?"

Ranger gestured for him to come in. He shot me a glance and sat on the couch. Ranger got straight to the point. "Did you break protocol in regards to the distraction?"

Santos sneered at me. "Nah, man. Vinnie was already there when I got there. He recognized Joe on his own and asked to send him a drink. Since I was playing bartender, I gave it to him. It was funny as hell, but I had no idea that little weasel was going to be there. You know I wouldn't jeopardize an operation." He looked at me again. "We don't tattle on each other here like kindergarteners, cupcake, but I got a date tonight. I'll meet you on the mats tomorrow at 11:00." He got up and left the room.

Ranger looked at me. "Satisfied?"

"Okay, I was wrong about Santos. He'll hand me my ass tomorrow and we'll get over it."

Ranger nodded. "It's either that or you tell him why you were really here. He doesn't like people messing with family, so he might understand."

I shook my head. "That's all right. I haven't had my ass kicked in days. It'll be a nice change of pace from having food thrown at me."

Ranger chuckled, but then got serious again. "If it was one of my men, I will find out."

I nodded and left. I'm going to have to fight Santos tomorrow, but I have to get through Terri tonight


	10. Humming the Piña Colada song

**My husband is coming home tomorrow, so I'll probably slow down on the posting. :-( This story really does seem to write itself sometimes, though. It's just that much fun.**

**Sincere thanks to everyone who reviewed. (Even those who PM) I really do look forward to seeing what all of you think.**

**All of the characters you know and love, even the ones you don't really like, belong to JE. All the mistakes belong to me.**

TERRI POV

There are times when I truly think that Joe isn't worth my time. Then there are times like this when I will forgive him for just about anything. I like to think that Joe and I are the Charles and Camilla of Trenton. We dated when we were younger, then went our separate ways only to find each other again later on. When I walked into Pino's at 8:00, Joe had already gotten us a table. He stood and held out my chair for me. He had a beer, and there was a glass of wine waiting for me. He can be charming when he wants to be, and he wanted me to forgive him for being a jerk.

He poured on the charm all thru way through dinner. By the time we finished sharing a tiramisu, I was firmy back under his spell. I told him, "I'm going to go to the ladies room while you take care of the check. After that, why don't we go to your house?" He smiled, stood, and helped me from my chair.

I went to the restroom and quickly took care of business. While I was washing my hands, I started reading the graffiti on the far wall through the mirror, not an easy task since it was backwards. By the time I got to the word cupcake, I didn't even notice that the water in the sink had stopped running. I turned around and read it again. It was even more horrible the second time. Someone had written a poem about Joe on the wall. There was even a Sharpie velcroed to the wall, and other people had commented on it. I felt sick. I can't believe I fell for his crap again. I whipped out my phone and took a picture of it.

"If you like hairy gorillas,  
If Mr. & Mrs. Rover's your game,  
If you're not into foreplay,  
His boys'll forget your first name,  
If you like booty calls at midnight  
Call this town's new cupcake.  
If you have self-respect, though,  
Take my advice and escape."

The comments below it were equally horrible. Someone had drawn a thumbs up and wrote 'like'. There were several hash marks next to it as women agreed. Someone else drew a picture of two crabs and wrote 'Nuff said. Other comments included, 'been there, done that, burned the t-shirt', 'Joe's a tool', and 'I'd rather bang Vinnie than look at his boys again'.

I fled the restroom and ran out the door of the restaurant. Joe came out after me and said, "What's wrong, Terri?"

I fumbled with the keys to my car. I just wanted to get out of here. "Leave me alone, Joe. Don't call me, don't come near me, just go away."

He looked like he had no idea what I was talking about. "Terri, what the hell? I thought we made up?"

"Yeah, well the next time your boys need some attention, why don't you call the bathroom Emily Dickinson to help. I'm done."

He was getting pissed. We were standing in the parking lot of Pino's making a scene complete with yelling, and arm waving. "What are you talking about, Terri? If we're going to argue, wouldn't it be fair to let me know what the hell we're fighting about?"

I took my phone out of my purse and texted him the picture. I put my phone away and said, "Here's what we're fighting about, you pig." I gave him a bonus Italian hand gesture, got in my car and left. I could see Joe in my rear view mirror, looking at his cell phone. Charles and Camilla of Trenton my ass.

JOE POV

I took a few minutes to compose myself. If I had just turned around and walked back into Pino's, one of the cops in there would probably arrest me for disturbing the peace. Once I got myself under control, I walked back inside. Our waitress was cleaning our table, so I went over to her. "Have you seen Robin Russell? I need to get a message to her."

She shook her head. "I've been here all day, but she hasn't been in. If I see her, I'll let her know you're looking for her."

I smiled. No need to have people know how pissed I am. "Not necessary. I'll try her cell phone again." I turned around and left. If it wasn't Robin, there was only one other woman who came to mind. I don't know why I didn't think of her sooner. She's probably the one who texted Mooch, too.

I called Stephanie. When she answered her phone, I could hear the sounds of arcade games in the background. "Yo."

"Why did you do it?"

"Do what, Joe?"

"Pino's."

"Wait a minute, I can barely hear you." The arcade sounds grew quieter. She must have walked outside. "Did you say Pino's?"

"Yes, Pino's. Today. I know it was you. And Mooch, yesterday. It's your fault I'm meeting Santos on the mats tomorrow."

"Joe. I have no idea what you're talking about. What happened to Mooch? And What about Pino's? I've been at the beach all day."

I was confused. "All day?"

"Yes. Not that it's any of your business, but when I went to the bonds office this morning, there was nothing going on, so I grabbed Lula and we went to Point Pleasant. We were just about to leave Jenkinson's when you called." She sounded irritated. "Now, would you mind telling me what's going on?"

If she was at the beach all day, there was no way it could have been her, but I still had to ask. "You didn't text Mooch about the distraction and then write about me on the bathroom wall at Pino's?"

Now she sounded like she was past irritated and straight into pissed off. "You really think I would do that crap to you?"

"Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore."

"And what time are you meeting Santos tomorrow?"

"11:00."

"You know what? Get there at 10:30. I think you and I have a few things we need to clear up first."

I snorted. "You want to meet me on the mats?"

"Just be there, Joe." She hung up without saying goodbye.

Stephanie Plum was going to fight me? I may not have gotten any answers to my questions, but I'm glad I called her. I needed the laugh.

STEPH POV

I'm glad Lula drove us to the beach. If I had been driving, I would have wrecked the car when I got the picture Mary Lou sent me of the bathroom wall at Pino's. As it was, I almost ruined Lula's seats because I was laughing so hard I almost peed. When we got to Haywood, I showed Lula the picture. It took her ten minutes to stop laughing enough to drive home.

The next morning Carlos and I had a late breakfast and then walked to the gym together. Morelli was waiting for me on the mats wearing shorts and a tank top. We matched, how cute. When we got to the mats, Carlos kissed me and said, "Go get 'em, tiger. My money's on you."

I stepped onto the mats and faced Morelli. Carlos sat next to Lester on one of the benches. Les was wearing his gi. He likes to tease me sometimes, asking when I'm going to leave Carlos for a real man like him. I always tell him that Carlos is more than enough man for me, but damn he looks hot in that outfit. Les wiggled his eyebrows at me like he knew what I was thinking. I looked at Carlos and said, "Out loud?" He nodded, not looking happy. Oops.

Okay, now that my little mental vacation was over, I needed to focus. I shook my arms and started bouncing up and down. Joe smiled. "Come on, Steph, you're not really thinking about fighting me, are you?" I found my inner Rocky and gave him the eye of the tiger, or the Burg death glare, one of those. He started taunting me. "Okay then Steph, take a swing." He pointed at his chest. "I'll make it easy for you. I'll even close my eyes so I won't see it coming." He closed his eyes, giving me exactly the opening I was waiting for. I pulled my stun gun out of my shorts pocket, tagged him on the arm, and it was lights out Morelli.

When he came to, he was handcuffed and shackled to the chair that the guys had thoughtfully brought in for me. I was sitting on the mats across from him. He didn't look happy. I started with an easy question. "Are you ready to talk now?"

He rattled his handcuffs. "Do I have a choice?" Smartass.

"No. Why did you think I would text Mooch and tell him to go to the distraction? Did you really think I would risk ruining Ranger's operation and someone getting hurt?"

He shook his head. "Not really. I was upset. Mooch and I had a big fight about it, and my mother overheard."

"Oh, Joe. I'm so sorry." That had to be terrible for him, but I didn't do it. "And what about Pino's? Do you think I would do that to anybody? I wouldn't even do that to Joyce Barnhardt."

He looked at me. "I was angry and upset. Terri read it and broke up with me in a very loud fight in the parking lot of Pino's. My mother called me this morning and told me that she was going to say a few extra Hail Mary's for me. She was also getting me a job application from a shoe store."

I snorted. Did he really not see the irony here? "You know I didn't do it, right?"

He hung his head and said, "I know."

I walked over to him and undid the handcuffs and shackles. As he rubbed his wrist I told him, "It seems to me like you have your very own stalker. Now you have fun playing with Les. We'll get to the bottom of this, Joe." When Joe stood, Ranger picked up the chair and carried it over to where he and Les had been sitting.

JOE POV

I shook the last of the cobwebs out of my head and faced Santos. He was wearing a gi. His black belt had several yellow stripes and some Japanese characters on it. Great. I hate that Kung Fu shit. He looked me over before he spoke. "Yesterday wasn't about Vinnie, was it?" I shook my head no. "That's some messed up shit that happened, man." I shrugged. It was, but I was at a loss for a way to find out who did it. "You know you're an asshole, right? I can't even fight you now."

"Sorry." What was I supposed to say?

He started circling me. "You did make one mistake, though."

"What's that?"

"Never close your eyes or turn your back on the enemy. Especially Bomber, she's mean." I laughed. Mostly because he was right.

He spent the next two hours showing me some basic moves. By the time he was finished with me, I was tired and sore. I also had intimate knowledge of the mats, having met them face first a number of times. Still, I could admit that he knew his shit. He was also one hell of a teacher. I was laying there panting and wondering if I still had a spleen when he stood over me. He looked as fresh as a daisy. I gasped out, "I think I would have preferred it if you had just beat me up. We would have been done two hours ago."

He laughed and held out his hand to help me up. "I still think you're an asshole."

**A/N – You didn't think I was going to give Stephanie some super Ninja moves, did you?**

**Ps. Admit it, you sang the Piña Colada song when you read the poem, didn't you?**


	11. It's about time

**You knew that this was coming. I know you wanted it! Let me know what you think. :-)**

**All characters belong to JE. All mistakes are mine. I make nothing from this except for my own enjoyment.**

JOE POV

Mondays are not gym days. Mondays are for sleeping in as long as possible. Especially after the weekend I had. That was why I was home when it happened. I was in the shower when my house was rocked by an explosion. I jumped out of the shower, threw on my sweats, and raced out of the house to find out what was going on now.

My neighbor, Mrs. Billows, is about a hundred and eighty years old. Her house was burning, and she was laying on her front yard. I ran over to see if she was okay. Slowly she started to regain consciousness. I stayed with her as the sirens got closer. Paramedics moved me out of the way so that they could work on her. It wasn't until then that I noticed it. "Son of a bitch!" A portion of Mrs. Billows' burning roof had landed on my car, and it was now engulfed in flames.

The paramedics moved Mrs. Billows to a stretcher and she held her hand out to me. I walked over and took her hand. "What happened, Mrs. Billows?"

She moved the oxygen mask out of her way and said, "You know that my Social Security doesn't go as far as it used to. Well, I wanted to get me a face lift, only I didn't have the money. I was watching that Breaking Bad when I said to myself, 'I used to be a science teacher. I bet I could make the Meth.' I don't know what went wrong. I'm just glad I was letting Theodore Johnson out when it blew. I don't know what I'd do without my kitty." The paramedics put her face mask back in place and wheeled her to the waiting ambulance.

This was just great. How was I going to explain to my insurance agent that my four hundred year old neighbor blew up my car when she was cooking Meth to pay for a face lift? The last time that woman taught science, they still didn't know what gravity was, never mind Crystal Meth. When I looked up, I realized that I had some more immediate problems. Half the TPD was standing on my front yard watching my car burn. Big Dog was handing a wad of cash to Eddie. I called out, "What the hell?"

Big Dog smiled as I made my way over. "Don't worry, cupcake. That was just the TPD over/under pot. He didn't win the big pool."

"You assholes were betting on me?" I couldn't believe that they were actually betting on me.

Eddie asked, "Who won the pool?"

Just as Carl took a sheet of paper out of his back pocket, several Rangeman SUV's and Ranger's Porsche pulled up. Ranger and Steph climbed out of the Porsche. The doors to the SUV's opened to reveal Bobby, Lester, Cal, Hal, and Binkie. I was concerned that the Rangeman guys would get mad when they found out that the TPD was betting on me. I shouldn't have bothered because Cal walked up to Big Dog and said, "Hot Damn! Show me the money!"

Carl crumpled the paper and threw it on the ground. "He did." There was a round of groans from both cops and Rangemen alike.

I glared at Cal. He shrugged and said, "Hey, Ram beat me on the Rangeman over/under, cupcake." I turned around and walked away from all of them. Bastards.

I went to where Bobby was standing with Steph and Ranger. Bobby was the first to speak. "We came as soon as we heard the call go out over the police band. Is everyone all right?" I told him that Mrs. Billows was already on her way to the hospital. I was glad to see that there was one person here who cared about something other than the pool. He shrugged and said, "I was down for next Tuesday." He left us to go talk to the cops.

I looked at Ranger, who was almost smiling again. "Let me guess, you had tomorrow?"

The almost smile turned into a full blown one. "Yesterday."

I said, "You know, it wasn't my fault." He barked out a laugh. Stephanie doubled over holding her sides. Well wasn't I just amusing the hell out of everyone today. I decided to just go back into my house and get ready for work. Before I left I told Ranger, "I'm going to need a ride to work."

He said, "Binkie will wait for you. You can use one of the Rangeman vehicles until you get a new one."

I called for Bob, who had followed me outside and was now running in happy circles around the gathered crowd. I hoped they all got covered in orange Bob hair. Bob ran into the house. All this excitement probably wore him out. I'm sure he was ready for some food and a nap. At least he might not eat my couch today.

When we got to Rangeman, Binkie directed me to a cubicle. There was a computer and a phone, but not much else. Binkie made a sweeping gesture and said, "Welcome to your new office. You can use your computer to search for information on your skips and write up reports. Rangeman computers are monitored, so I wouldn't recommend surfing porn sites on company time." Finally, I was getting access to a Rangeman computer. I need to wait a little while before I run any searches that could raise flags, but this is progress. Binkie handed me a small sheet of paper. "This is your username and temporary password. I recommend you change your password once you've logged on. Your username is also your email address, so it would be JMorelli at Rangeman dot com." I looked at the slip of paper. The username was indeed JMorelli. The password was My1Cupcake. Ha ha ha. Everyone's a comedian around here.

Binkie handed me a file. "Here's our skip for today. Bomber has a meeting, so she won't be joining us." I can only believe that a day without Stephanie will be a day without having garbage thrown at me. Really, she attracts disaster like honey draws flies. Binkie continued, "I'll let you set up your profile on the system. My cubicle is right behind yours, so of you have any questions, just go ahead and call them out. Go ahead and do a search on the skip, it'll be good practice." He went to the cubicle directly behind mine.

I booted up my computer and logged on to my account. As soon as I did that, it asked me to provide a new password. Fine by me. After thinking for a minute, I typed in 1Password. When I clicked accept, a popup screen came up that said, "This is a security company, have some respect." I guess my password was rejected. After thinking about it some more, I typed in Ita1ianSta11i0n. That one was accepted. My home screen had two different search programs, a report generator, and an email program on it. I clicked on one of the search programs. The program looked far better than anything the TPD used. Just to see how it worked, I typed in my own information. I used to think that as a cop, my information was private. To an extent, it is. The average person wouldn't have access to this kind of program. This program told the user everything you could possibly want to know. As I read all there was to know about me, I was shocked. About the only information that wasn't there was the color of the underwear I was currently wearing.

I closed that program and opened my email. There was only one message in my inbox. The subject was, "Greetings, Cupcake". I opened it to read. It was a form letter, welcoming me to the company. It was filled with the standard disclaimers. I was going to read it, but after about four monotonous lines, I could feel my eyes glaze over. I deleted the message and closed the email program. Next I opened the report generator. There were forms for every report they generated. I spoke up. "Hey, Binkie, where do all these reports get stored?"

From behind me, I heard, "P drive. That's where everything is stored." That's where I need to start my search, but not today. Before I knew it, it was lunch time. Binkie and I grabbed a couple of Ella's wonderful sandwiches. After lunch, we were going to pick up our skip. I was riding shotgun, so I took the opportunity to read the top sheet of the file.

Caroline Scarzolli was wanted for shoplifting. The mugshot showed a wrinkled old lady. I read her bio. She was 75 years old, widowed, and self-employed. This was going to be a piece of cake. She reminded me a little of Stephanie's grandma Mazur, and I only hoped she wasn't arrested for stealing cosmetics from Macy's for a hot date.

When Binkie pulled up in front of Pleasure Treasures, I was sure it was a joke. "What the hell is this?"

Binkie looked at me. "Didn't you run a search on her?"

I fibbed a little. "I couldn't get the program to run."

Binkie gave me a look that clearly said he didn't believe me. "Caroline Scarzolli owns Pleasure Treasures. During the day, this is where you'll find her."

I opened my door. "Wait here, I'll be right back."

Binkie stopped me before I could get all the way out. "Joe, we're supposed to be partners. That means we go together."

I waved him off. "You've done all the work up to this point. I'll just run in and get her. It shouldn't take more than two minutes."

Binkie threw up his hands and let me go. Honestly, did he really think I needed backup on this one? I walked in the door and inwardly cringed as I thought about a woman the same age as my grandmother selling sex toys. I slowly made my way through the shelves towards the counter. I could see my skip unpacking a box of dirty magazines.

As I got closer, she looked up and squinted at me. "I know you. You're the new bounty hunter in town. Heard about your girl trouble, too." Jeez, does everybody know about that? "I hope you're here to shop for some personal stress relief, because you're not bringing me in." Before I knew what she was going to do, she reached under the counter and pulled a sawed off shotgun out, pointing the business end right at the boys.

I threw my hands in the air. "Of course I'm here to shop." Once I got to the counter, she'd have to put the shotgun down to ring me up, so I'd just humor her for now.

She waved the gun and told me, "Three shelves over, second shelf down. I got just the thing you need." I walked over and looked where she had directed me. Gross. I still needed to humor her, though, so I grabbed one and made my way towards the counter. She wasn't done with me yet. "I'm thinking you need some movies to go with your new personal assistant. Back wall." I walked to the back wall and picked a couple of DVDs at random. As I walked back towards the counter, she called to the room behind her. "Edna, come on out. You got your first customer." Oh, no. My next personal nightmare walked out of the storeroom.

Edna Mazur looked at me, then the items I had laid on the counter. "Hello, Joseph. I heard about your problem with Terri." She started to ring me up. "Boy, you're lucky. DVDs are two for one right now." She held up the two movies I had grabbed. "Riding Miss Daisy and Sperms of Endearment? I didn't think that was your type. I had you figured for Edward Penishands or American Booty."

I'm going to be sick. There is no way I'm going to discuss porn with Edna Mazur. "Edna, doesn't it bother you that your boss is holding a gun on me?"

She shrugged. "I did think it was a little strange, but today is my first day and I'm not about to lose this job." She looked down at the counter. "Oh, look. The new issue of Screw Magazine is here. You're going to want one of these, too." She added it and a trial sized bottle of lube to my pile.

Two porn flicks, a magazine, and one fleshlight later, I walked back to the SUV. As I threw the bag in the back, Binkie said, "That don't look like no old lady."

I grimaced. "She pulled a shotgun on me and forced me to buy that crap."

Binkie got out of the car. "That's why you go in with a partner. She wouldn't have gotten the drop on both of us." He went to the door and I followed him in. Before she could reach under the counter again, Binkie had his gun out and pointed at her. "I wouldn't do that, ma'am."

She gave him a look. "You gonna shoot an old lady?"

He nodded. "If I have to."

She harrumphed. "Fine." She walked around the counter with her hands up. Turning her head, she called out, "Edna, go ahead and lock the place up when you leave at five if I'm not back. I'll do the register tomorrow."

Edna walked back into the store and took Caroline's place at the counter. When she saw Binkie cuffing Caroline, she smiled and gave him a finger wave. "You be good to Binkie, Caroline. He's got a great package." Caroline smiled and looked Binkie over. Edna told Binkie, "You tell Stephanie that I'll see her at dinner tonight."

Binkie just shook his head and said, "Yes, ma'am." He walked Caroline out the door and into the SUV without any problems.

We dropped Caroline off at the station and drove back to Rangeman. When we got there, Binkie tossed me the keys and told me to keep it since I needed a car tonight. At least this way I could keep the Pleasure Treasures bag hidden until I could get rid of it.

By the time I had written my report so that it was believable while leaving out my purchase, it was almost 5:30. I shut my computer and got ready to leave. When the elevator doors opened, Stephanie was inside. I got in next to her. She had already pressed the button for the garage. We rode down in silence. When we got out of the elevator, she beeped her Acura open, and I hit the button for the SUV I was borrowing. She looked over at it and laughed. When I saw why, I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. Hanging from the rear view mirror was the Pleasure Treasures bag. Binkie must have told someone, and they moved the bag to where everyone could see it. Stephanie just looked at me and said, "Caroline Scarzolli?" I didn't say anything, I just got into the SUV and pulled the bag off the mirror.


	12. Contact

**I wasn't going to do dinner at the Plum house, but changed my mind at the request of a good friend. It seems that Stephanie hasn't completely handed all of the insanity over to Joe. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.**

**I still want to thank everybody for the reviews. I always look forward to seeing what you think.**

**If you recognize any of the characters, that's because they belong to Janet Evanovich. If you notice any mistakes, I don't know how they got there… (that's my story and I'm sticking to it!)**

STEPH POV

Dinner at the Plum house can easily be described as interesting. My mother will have no shortage of both gossip and opinions, my grandma will tell us all about her latest caper, and my dad will be there, with his head down, eating and muttering to himself. Any time my sister and her family show up, it goes past interesting and straight into pandemonium. It's standing room only with ten people in a room designed for no more than six. Today it was just the four of us. Grandma told me that she got a part time job and wanted to celebrate.

Dinner was ready at 6:00 sharp, and I got there in just enough time to set the table and sit. That's about the extent of my dinner preparation skills, anyway. Once we had all filled our plates with my Mom's stuffed shells, she raised her glass in a toast. Looking at grandma she said, "Congratulations on your new job." We all raised our glasses and took a drink.

Before I could swallow, grandma said, "Thank you. Working at Pleasure Treasures is a hoot." I'm pretty sure that half of my wine came out of my nose. My mother handed me some extra napkins as Grandma continued. "I even had my first sale today." Even as I closed my eyes and crossed my fingers, I knew where this was going. "It was that Morelli boy that used to date Stephanie."

I was frantically trying to think of something to say to change the subject. Before I could, my mom asked, "What do you sell there?"

Trying to stop my grandma before she could answer, I shouted out, "Novelties."

Grandma patted my hand. "I know you're young, dear, but your mother has seen a vibrator before." Oh my god, I wanted to die.

My dad's mouth dropped open and his bread popped out onto the table. My mother turned a lovely shade of red and her eyes just about popped out of her head. "You didn't tell me it was a sex toy shop!" She took a drink from her glass of "tea" that wasn't fooling anyone.

Grandma smiled at her. "You should come in one day and shop. I get a great employee discount."

The giant drink of whiskey my mother had taken did nothing to improve her color. "You are not going to keep working there, I forbid it! Why me? Angie Morelli's mother doesn't work in a sex shop. Emily Beeber's mother doesn't talk about vibrators at the dinner table. Why is it always my family?"

Grandma pointed at mom. "You listen to me, Helen Plum. I'm still your mother, and if I want to work in a sex shop, then you're not going to stop me."

My father started eating again. I thought I heard him mutter, "Crazy old bat."

As much fun as it was watching grandma drop her bomb on mom, I didn't want to stick around for the fight that I knew was coming. "Will you look at the time?" It was only 6:10, but still. "Sorry I can't stay, but I promised Mary Lou I'd watch her kids." I was willing to give up stuffed shells and dessert to get out of the house. That should tell you how desperate I was.

My mother pinned me to my seat with a look. "You stay right there or you'll never see another pineapple upside down cake again." Darn, she had my number. "We are going to sit here and have a normal dinner like a normal family. No More talk about sex toys, do you understand?" She was looking back and forth at me and grandma. We both nodded, that seemed to appease her. "Good. Stephanie, how is Carlos doing? He hasn't been to dinner in a while."

Just like that, the conversation was changed and dinner continued. "He's good. Sorry he couldn't make it tonight, but he'll try to be here next time."

"Good. I'm so glad you stopped seeing that Morelli boy. Those boys are nothing but trouble." Considering that it wasn't too long ago that she was asking me why I wasn't marrying him and settling down to raise a family, the gossip must have become too much, even for her. "I heard that he and Terri Gilman had a fight in the parking lot at Pino's. Just disgraceful." Since Joe and I had a lot of fights there, I wisely kept my mouth shut. Eventually the conversation moved to who was having a baby out of wedlock and who got fired for drinking on the job.

We finished dinner without any further incident. My mother gave me a bag of leftovers for Carlos, with extra chocolate pudding for me. Grandma walked me to the door. When we got there she said, "Maybe your mother will visit the store. Who knows, maybe we have something that'll yank that stick out of her Keister."

I gave my grandma a hug and a kiss. "You call me if you need a ride to work." I left the house with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I want to be just like grandma when I grow up.

JOE POV

I sat in my stool at the bar and Johnny slid my whiskey over to me. I guess I'm starting to qualify as a regular. Johnny said, "I heard you had a fight with the little lady this weekend."

I guess it's official. Every single person in the cry of Trenton knew about my fight with Terri. I snorted. "We've been seeing each other off and on since high school. This is just a bump in the road."

A guy that was hunched over a few stools away stood and walked over. He sat in the stool next to me and looked straight ahead at the bottles of liquor along the back wall of the bar. "That's a shame," he said while still not looking at me, "I thought you might be the kind of guy who would be able to give her a message."

I wanted to jump up and down and do a fist pump. This was the contact I was waiting for. "I could probably pass something along." I carefully avoided looking at him. I wanted to play this cool.

"As a show of faith, let her know that not everyone in her uncle's building at Fifth and Stark is who they seem." He stood, dropped some money on the bar, and left. I took a minute to finish my whiskey and followed suit. Inside, I was doing a happy dance. It was a good start. Now all I had to do was convince Terri to talk to me.

I called her as soon as I got home. It went straight to voicemail. She must still be mad at me. I left her a message. "Baby, it's me. I'm sorry about what happened at Pino's, yesterday. I don't know who wrote that on the wall, but I'm going to find out. Please call me, baby. I miss you already." I also called the florist and had them send an 'I'm sorry' bouquet to her house. I'm sure she'll call me back tomorrow.

RANGER POV

The next morning, I asked Joe to come to my office after the morning meeting. He walked in and stopped short at the sight of the burned device sitting on my desk. "I asked Hector to take a look at your car after it was towed away yesterday. He found this transmitter and a microphone that was wired into your air conditioning vent. I would venture a guess that this was how the Point Pleasant operation was compromised." I could tell by the look on his face that it probably was, and he wasn't happy about it.

"How do I know that you didn't put it there?"

I almost laughed at that. "Two reasons. First, I wouldn't use a device this cheap. Second, I wouldn't have sent one of my men to find it since you obviously weren't going to look for it."

He picked up the device. "I don't suppose there's any way to tell who planted it or how long it's been there?"

I shook my head. "It drew power directly from your electrical system. It could have been there ever since you bought the car, but I doubt it. I'd like your permission to send Hector to your house to do a sweep there as well."

He gave me a look that said he didn't want any of my men anywhere near his house, but just nodded. "You want a house key?"

I smirked. "Not necessary."

He started to leave, but turned back. "Any more good news?"

I gave him a full on smile. "Grandma Mazur needs a ride tomorrow. Guess who needs to be there tomorrow at 10:00?" The look on his face was priceless. It's moments like these that I really love my job.

JOE POV

I can't believe my car was wired. Who the hell messes with a cop's ride? The bitch part is that I'm probably the one who gave away the distraction while I was muttering to myself on the drive home that day. I would love to be able to blame anyone else. I stormed over to my cubicle and punched the wall. Binkie came around the corner. "Want to head down to the gym? We don't have any skips today, and we're not patrolling until this afternoon. The paperwork can wait for an hour."

Right now he's a better partner than I deserve. With the mood I'm in, I could do some serious damage. "That's okay, I don't want to hurt you."

He laughed and headed towards the stairs. "I think I can handle myself, cupcake." Forget what I thought about him being a better partner. I got up from my desk and went downstairs.

Half an hour later, I was a sweaty mess, laying on my stomach on the mats, my arm twisted behind me, just short of being dislocated. My only consolation at this point is the fact that Binkie has at least broken a sweat. He released my arm. "You know what your problem is?"

Now that's a loaded question. There are so many answers to that right now. "Please enlighten me, sensei."

He snorted while I stood back up and shook some sensation back into my arm. "Your problem is that you go into each fight like it's either a bar brawl or a boxing match. I thought you worked with both Hal and Les, didn't you learn anything?"

I rushed him like I was going to punch him. At the last second, I dropped down and swept his legs out from under him. Surprisingly, it worked. I took down one of Stephanie's Merry Men. Binkie laid on his back for a minute. I looked to make sure he was alright. He was grinning from ear to ear. "Now you're learning, cupcake." I shook my head. He held his hand out. "Help me up and we'll start over again."

I took a step back. "So you can throw me on my ass? I don't think so."

Binkie laughed, curled his knees to his head and executed a perfect kip-up. He really was going to throw me on my ass. Coming down here was a good idea. I feel a lot better than I did earlier. At least for now. I still have to call Terri again later


	13. There ain't nothing like a dame

**I was almost ready to move past the gratuitous Morelli torture, but it's too much fun. We are moving slowly towards the actual plot, I promise… maybe**

**Any characters you recognize belong to JE, all mistakes are mine.**

STILL JOE POV

I called Terri as soon as I got home. She answered the phone which I took as a good sign. She agreed to go to dinner with me, but she wanted to go to Rossini's. I can understand her not wanting to go to Pino's. It's going to be a while before I go there again, too.

Dinner was excellent. The conversation was light and I enjoyed the meal. We had just finished dessert when I passed the message along. "An interested party asked me to give a message to you."

She didn't look happy. "Why should I care what Ranger wants to tell my uncle. He can pass along his own messages."

I shook my head. "It's not from Rangeman. Someone else wanted you to know that the building on 5th and Stark may not be as clean as you think it is."

She looked surprised. "I'll let my Uncle know. Where did this info come from?"

"Just a guy in a bar."

She wasn't thrilled with my answer. "Joe, if you get involved with the wrong people, you could lose your job permanently or get yourself hurt. I don't want to see that happen."

As I was kissing Terri's hand, the waitress came with our check. I gave her my credit card and she went away. "I love that you're concerned for me, but I doubt I'll ever see him again."

She didn't look like she believed me. "Joe, people who give you information like that always want something in exchange. There's no such thing as a free lunch."

I signed the check and walked Terri out to her car. I kissed her and said, "How about if I tell you that I'll be careful? I have Thursday off again this week, would you like to do something together?"

She smiled and kissed me. "I think I'd like that, Joe." I helped her get settled in her car and watched her drive away. I hope she can appreciate the effort it took not to try to talk her into coming to my house. I drove myself home and let Bob out. Tomorrow I have Grandma Duty. Binkie told me that he'll drive, but he's not getting out of the car.

There is only one way to describe Stephanie's grandmother, and that's crazy. Hell, her whole family is a few sandwiches shy of a picnic, but her grandmother takes the cake. We got to her parent's house at 10:00 sharp.

Helen Plum was shocked when she opened the front door. "Joseph. Stephanie told me that someone was coming to take grandma for the day, but I wasn't expecting you."

Grandma Mazur's voice came from the kitchen. "Who'd I get today, Helen? I hope he's got a nice package." She walked to the door, moving her teeth around in her mouth. She was wearing a hot pink track suit. I gave a small shudder that I hoped neither woman noticed. "Hot damn! I got me the Italian Stallion." She held her arms out for a hug. When I hugged her, I felt the boniest fingers imaginable grab my ass. I jumped back while she winked at me. I know Stephanie told me that she did that to some of the guys, but I never expected her to do that to me. She never did anything like that while I was dating Stephanie. I held open the front door for her. She brushed past me and I swear she felt up the boys as she walked past. That was beyond gross.

Helen just looked at me and said, "You're responsible for her today."

We got to the SUV and I held the door using it as a shield between me and her. She frowned, but got herself settled in the backseat. I closed her door and sat in the passenger seat next to Binkie. "Where are we going, Mrs. Mazur?"

"First we have to stop at the Clip and Curl. I have to get my hair set before we can go to the viewing at Stiva's. They got Lenny Dombowsky laid out, and I want to look my best. He got hit by a train and I hear his head flew clean off. They found it in Mrs. Swanson's swimming pool the next morning. Boy, I sure wish I was there when she went to go for her morning swim." As she was talking, she started to unzip the top to her tracksuit. Underneath she was wearing a shiny gold camisole. She folded the top of her tracksuit and put it on the seat beside her. When she went to take her pants off, I turned and stared out the windshield. Stephanie told me that her grandma wore thongs. That is not something I EVER want to see for myself.

As she changed her outfit in the backseat, I said, "If that's the case, they'll probably have a closed casket."

She blew a raspberry at me. "I just want to see if they reattached his head. I'm old, I got rights."

We pulled up in front of the Clip and Curl. Keeping his eyes facing the windshield, Binkie said, "Are you ready, ma'am?"

She reached forward and patted his arm. "You're a good man, Binkie. I'm all set." He nodded at me and I got out to open Edna's door. She had changed into a tight black skirt that ended well above her knees and a short black bolero jacket. She looked like she was going to a funeral at a disco. She took my arm and I walked her into the salon. As I opened the door, she said, "Lenny was a member of the Elks lodge. I gotta look my best. You never know when you're going to find a live one." I shuddered once again thinking about Edna finding anything.

As soon as we walked in the door, the women inside started talking to Edna. "Why did Stephanie's ex-boyfriend bring you in?"

"I heard he got fired."

"Is it true that Stephanie's his boss now?"

"How's his package?"

Edna shushed them and patted my arm. She was beaming. I guess she's going to be the center of attention while she's here. "I'll be out in about an hour." As the door closed behind me, I could hear her saying, "Okay, ladies. Here's the dirt." I shook my head and got back into the SUV. We were parked right out front, so that we could watch for her.

Every time one of the women came out of the salon, they looked at the SUV, trying to get a peek inside. When Edna came out, there were several faces pressed up against the glass watching me open the door for her. She waved to everyone and got back into the SUV. Once she was buckled in she told Binkie to take us to Stiva's.

Stiva's was packed. I guess Lenny was a popular guy. Binkie pulled up in front. "I'll let you guys out here and drive around."

I got out and helped Edna. We walked inside to where Lenny was laid out in slumber room number one. Edna kept up a running commentary about how you could tell how popular a person was by what slumber room they were put in. Elks almost always went in room number one, because the Elks always came out for a funeral.

We ran into a wall of people just inside the entrance. Edna let go of my arm, crouched down a little and immediately got lost in the crowd. After a couple of minutes, I heard a scream and a crash. More people joined in the screaming. Edna was led out of the room by a man that looked like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. He brought her over to where I was sitting by the cookies. I asked her, "Are you ready to leave?"

She harrumphed and started to look at the cookies. "I'm real disappointed. I spent all that time popping the lock on the casket and they wouldn't even let me take a peek."

The man that looked like Uncle Fester took out a handkerchief and wiped his head. "I heard stories about Edna Mazur, but I didn't believe them. Who would do something like that?"

Edna gave him the look. "If the widow hadn't started screaming as soon as the lid started to come loose, I'd have gotten what I came here for. It's not my fault she passed out and fell into the flower arrangement." She turned to me. "I guess we'd better get going. I want to stop at Giovincchini's before I have to go to work."

I walked her outside and we waited for Binkie to show up. As we were waiting, and old man came out and walked up to Edna, "Did you see if they reattached his head? I was real curious about that." I turned away from them to give them a little privacy. When Binkie turned the corner and was coming towards us, I turned back to see Edna kissing the guy. There isn't enough bleach in Trenton to get that image out of my mind.

We got Edna back in the car and over to Giovincchini's. While she was inside shopping, Binkie was sitting in the car texting. When she came out and got in the backseat, he said, "I ran into Grandma Bella in there. I told her I would tell you she said hi." By the wicked glint in her eye, I knew that she said a lot more than that to my grandmother, but I wouldn't find out what until later tonight. We stopped at her house to drop off her groceries, then took her to Pleasure Treasures.

As she was getting out of the car, Binkie turned to her and said, "Just so you know, ma'am. I have a friend that told me Lenny's head was sewn back on, but if they had an open casket, he would have needed a turtleneck sweater."

Edna patted his cheek. "Binkie, you're the best." She walked inside and our grandma duty was officially over. Thank god.

As we were driving back to Rangeman, I asked, "You didn't really find out about Lenny for her, did you?"

Binkie smirked. "Actually this time I did. Bobby was over at the hospital when the head came in. It was interesting enough that he took a look. His friend told him what was going to happen. Telling grandma means she won't try to open the casket if she goes back for the evening viewing, and it keeps her happy." I guess that made sense.

After work I went home and worked on pushups and situps in case I really have to do all that crap. As I was getting ready to go for a jog, my mother, grandmother, and sister in law came in with dinner for me. My Grandma kissed my cheek and slapped me upside the head. "What's this I hear about you telling people you like that Mazur woman better than your own grandma?"

"Grandma, I did not tell people I like Mrs. Mazur better than you. I was paid to drive her around as part of my job today. Mrs. Mazur is crazy."

My grandma walked past me, clearly not believing me. My mother was the next one in the door. "Lenny Stankovic's mother never has to worry about her son chauffeuring other people's grandmothers around. Why can't you have a job like his? Didn't I raise you right?"

"Ma, I have a good job. I didn't come home covered in Crisco. It was a good day."

My mother handed me the casserole dish. "If you were married, you would come home to a nice home cooked dinner. You wouldn't have to wait for your mother to bring you meals."

"Ma, I'm not getting married any time soon."

"Why not? At least Terri is a nice Italian girl. She'd make a good home for you, have lots of grandbabies. I'm not getting any younger, you know. I just want to see you settled down and happy."

I really don't want to listen to this. I always thought I'd marry Stephanie, settle down, and have at least a couple of kids. Now, Stephanie's with Manoso, and I have to listen to my mother lecture me about how I need to get married now before my future wife's ovaries dry up. I turned to Angelina, who hasn't said a word yet. "You want to weigh in on this one?"

She laughed. "Your mother's car is in the shop. I've been driving them around today. I decided to stick around because I didn't want to miss this."

I had to stop this nonsense. "Grandma, I still love you best of all. Ma, I'm not getting married yet, but I'll think about it. Angelina, it was good seeing you, please take them home now. I have to go jogging. I'm seeing Terri tomorrow. Goodbye." I walked them all out. When the door was closed, I leaned against it and blew out a breath. I wondered if all families were this crazy. Maybe I'll take Terri to Great Adventure tomorrow. Right now any place is better than Trenton.


	14. Anything you can do

**I made it back home to where the internet lives (oh, how I've missed thee). Finally I could look a few details up so that I could finish this chapter, at least after I cleaned my inbox out. Hopefully I've got everything back on track.**

**I still want to thank everyone for the reviews and encouragement! My email wasn't completely filled with just Spam because of you!**

**Any Characters you recognize belong to JE. I blame the mistakes on coffee flavored tequila. It's not just for breakfast anymore.**

STILL JOE POV

I really wanted to sleep in on Thursday morning, but Bob had other plans for me. Since he woke me up and I couldn't get the physical out of the back of my mind, I took him for a run. When we got home, I showered and called Terri. We decided that I would pick her up in an hour and we would go to Great Adventure. A day of roller coasters and water rides sounded like just the break I needed. If I had to spend the day rolling in food or being grabbed by Edna again, I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't lose it.

We had a good day. The park was crowded, but everyone was there to have fun. We were on our way home after a long day when Terri got a text message. When she read it, her mood sank. "It seems that your information was good. There was a rat problem in the building. It's been taken care of. If you happen to see whoever it was that gave you the info, tell him it is appreciated."

I don't know how they took care of their problem, and I don't want to know. The thought that I might have had a hand in whatever happened left a bitter taste in my mouth. I pushed my feelings aside and tried to lighten the mood. "Hey, today is supposed to be about having fun. We're supposed to be enjoying ourselves."

Terri laid her head against my arm. "I know something we can do to enjoy ourselves." I broke several speed laws getting us back to my place.

RANGER POV

Friday morning I was talking to Tank when I got the message on my computer that someone was looking around files that they shouldn't be. I opened the program that mirrored the computer being used. I wasn't surprised to see that it was Morelli. I turned my screen so that Tank and I could watch what he was doing. Tank snorted. "Abruzzi? Does he really think it would be that easy to find something on you?"

I laughed. "He has to start someplace. It's not like you can just do a search on our system for 'Secret Government Shit' and get a match. Besides, if anyone left a file on the public drive that would get them arrested, they deserve to go to jail."

We watched Morelli shift through page after page of reports on Abruzzi. When he got to the end, all he would find were my own personal notes. I could recite them from memory. "Searched for subject to discuss Plum situation. Subject not located. Found next day after suicide." Suicide my ass. When I found him, he was ranting that he would kill that meddling bitch if it was the last thing he did. He never got the chance. Even though we weren't together yet, she was mine. In the end he begged me for mercy that I didn't have and would never give.

I opened my laptop and looked at Tank. "Is it too early to start messing with him?"

Tank raised an eyebrow. "What did you have in mind?"

"Sending him to the Boneyard."

"Man, that's cruel."

"It'll give him something to do and keep him out of my hair for a while. Besides, when was the last time he gave us an update on the status of his operation? We should be kept in the loop." I opened a chat screen on my laptop. It was logged on so that the user name wouldn't show. I sent a message to Morelli. "You'll never find it there."

There was a pause, then Morelli wrote back. "Who is this?"

Tank smirked. "Does that ever work?"

I told Tank, "There's always a first time." I typed back to Morelli. "Someone who knows."

Morelli typed, "What should I be looking for?"

I answered, "Nothing here."

I could imagine Morelli getting excited in his cubicle. I should bring up the camera to see if he's rubbing his hands in anticipation of getting some insider information, but I decide against it. Tank interrupted my musings. "When's the last time the boneyard was cleaned?"

"Junior did it two months ago when he started light duty." Tank nodded as the latest message came in from Morelli. "That's not exactly helpful."

It was my turn to smirk. I opened the camera so that I could see his cubicle. Turning to Tank, I said, "Time for a status update?" He laughed and walked out of the office.

I only got as far as typing, "You need to get access to the," when I heard Tank's voice announce, "Report." I watched Morelli jump about a foot out of his chair and quickly close the chat window.

JOE POV

I think I had a heart attack when Tank's voice boomed across the floor. I quickly closed the chat screen on my computer. I had almost gotten some information that I might have been able to use. I was a little concerned that it was too easy, but I guess I'm not the only one here at Rangeman that isn't thrilled to be working with that overbearing prick.

The men on the floor started giving Tank status reports on whatever they were working on. When he got to me and Binkie, I told him that we were doing research on Roger Banker, wanted for possession. It looked like he was holed up with his girlfriend Lowanda Jones, a phone sex operator that lived in the projects. We would be leaving shortly to try to apprehend at her apartment. Tank nodded at my assessment and moved on to the next report.

I sat back down and ran my hand through my hair. That was too fucking close. I reopened the search program on my computer and input Lowanda Jones known information. She looked good to be the one Banker was holed up with. She only left the apartment to go shopping for the usual staples of food and booze. The report said that she had a bunch of dogs. I wonder how many dogs constitute a bunch. I guess we're going to find out.

BINKIE POV

Morelli can really put a cramp in my ass sometimes, other times, he's not a total asshole. Still, I can't wait for Junior to get off light duty so that things can go back to normal. We left Rangeman and headed to Lowanda Jones' apartment. When we got there, Morelli didn't just hop out of the SUV and tell me he'd be right back. I guess he's starting to get the hang of having a partner.

Since it's summer, there were a bunch of kids just hanging around. I really hope this goes smoothly, I hate when things go to hell with children around. We were halfway to the apartment when the front door opened. Seven dogs ranging in size from Chihuahua to Bulldog ran out of the apartment and headed straight for us. My first instinct is to take out my gun and start shooting, but one of the kids yelled, "Look out, it's the humpers!" I look at Morelli. We both know that we can't shoot. With a nod of agreement, we both turn and ran for the SUV.

I got to the car and opened my door. When I got in, I saw that Morelli wasn't with me. Shit. I ran back over to try to pry the dogs away from him. That's when I saw what the kid meant. The dogs weren't attacking him, they were trying to hump him as he was lying on the ground trying to get them off.

I pulled a terrier looking dog off his head. As soon as that dog was off, another one took its place. I tossed the terrier aside, but it just ran right back and hopped back onto the pile. These dogs were fucking crazy. The kids were now gathered around yelling, "Hump! Hump! Hump!" I think one of them was making book on which one would finish first.

Morelli was clearly not happy being on the receiving end of their affections. He kept trying to push them away yelling, "Get them off me!"

I was at a complete loss for what to do. Finally Lowanda's door opened again and she shook a bag of dog food. The dogs all hopped off him and ran for the apartment. Lowanda yelled, "You're too late, he's gone now." She slammed the door shut behind her.

Morelli got up off the ground and tried to get some of the dirt off the front of his uniform. I didn't even want to think about what was on his back. He stormed back to the SUV and jumped in the passenger side, slamming the door behind himself. The kids all went back to doing whatever it was they were doing before since the show was obviously over.

I got into the SUV and drove back to Haywood without saying a word. Joe was sitting next to me, fuming. When we got to the building, Joe slammed his way into the building and up the stairs. He left the stairwell on three, probably heading to the showers in the gym locker room. I continued up to five to write the report. I have no idea what the hell I'm going to say. He's still an asshole, but that whole episode just sucked for him up one side and down the other.

RANGER POV

Babe and I were going over some contracts when Morelli stuck his head in my office. He looked pissed. "You have a minute?" I nodded and he came in, slamming the door behind him. "I know Juniak said to make it look good, but are you paying people to humiliate me?" I was glad my office is soundproof, because he was yelling and waving his arms. He had about a minute to cool his jets or we were going to have a problem.

"Is there a problem, Joe?"

There was a vein sticking out on his forehead. "You know damn well that I'm talking about all these lunatics you've obviously hired for me to take down. Are you paying people to throw shit at me?"

I'd had about enough. I stood and stared him down. It didn't take long for him to put his arms down and shut up. "Sit."

He looked like he was ready to throw a punch. "I'm not your fucking dog, Ranger."

He was really testing my limits. "You can either sit and we'll do this here, or we can go to the gym and we'll do this in the infirmary later. The choice is yours." I stared at him until he wisely chose to sit. Throughout the exchange, Stephanie sat quietly and watched, which surprised me a little. Once he was settled, I sat back down and asked, "Would you care to explain?"

"I've been here two weeks. I've been covered in Crisco, had food thrown at me, and today I was violated by a pack of dogs."

Steph spoke up at that. "You were at Lowanda's apartment?"

Joe looked at her. "Why am I not surprised that she's a friend of yours?"

Steph glared at him. "She's not a friend of mine, Joe. I was there looking for Roger Banker who was FTA." That seemed to shut him up quickly. I know from this morning's escapade that he was the same skip Morelli was looking for. By the look on her face, she knew it too. "Did you even bother to read his file, Joe?"

"I know what the hell I'm doing. It's not my fault these crackpots are gunning for me."

Now it was Steph's turn to be pissed. "So let me get this straight. When I got covered in dog, it was because I was incompetent. When you got covered in dog, it was because they're gunning for you?"

I could see where this was heading, and it wasn't good. Normally I'd let Joe continue to stick his own foot further and further into his mouth, but if she kills him in here, it's going to be hard to hide the body. "Joe. All of the skips you've picked up are legit. I don't waste resources. I think we should pull you off of apprehensions for a while. I'm going to have you do searches for a couple of days and we'll see where we go from there. How is the case progressing?"

He ran his hand through his hair, debating how much to say. He should never play poker. He has way too many tells. "It's starting to move. I've been contacted by the family."

He wasn't going to say anything more than that, even if I did just save his ass. "Keep us in the loop. I'll have Rodriguez set you up with some searches." Joe left. Before Steph could say a thing, I walked around the desk and pulled her from the chair into a bone melting kiss. When we came up for air, her eyes were the deep midnight blue that I love to see. "Nobody does it like you, Babe." She giggled and I leaned in for another kiss.

I was still smiling half an hour later when Bobby came into my office. "Physicals are next Friday. The General asked if you are going to put in an appearance."

The base commander for Fort Dix allows us to use their obstacle course for our training exercises. In exchange, we allow them to bring troops who are considering Special Forces to come and watch. I asked Bobby, "Who's up?"

"Cal and Morelli."

Not much of a competition for Cal, and I know that Joe had hurt Steph with his earlier comments. "I'll be there. Ask Tank if he wants in. Tell them to wear ACU's." Bobby nodded and left. I made a note to invite Stephanie to come and watch the show. Women love a man in uniform, and I have plans for Babe.

**A/N - So do you think Joe's had enough of the bounty hunting? I'm also thinking about having Joe's sister Cathy pop in for Cal's little slice of the fun (in my own little corner of the JE universe, she & Cal are together, so it's been rolling around in my head). Let me know what you think!**


	15. Eye of the Tiger

**All the cool characters belong to JE. All the mistakes are mine. I want to thank each and every one of you who reviewed. I love hearing what you think.**

JOE POV

I walked into the bar humming to myself. I had found a source inside Rangeman, and I wasn't going to have to go on any fucking takedowns for a while. When I saw my contact for the Campanoli family sitting at the bar, it was all I could do not to smile.

I sat down next to him and Johnny slid me a whiskey. Looking straight ahead, I said to the man next to me, "The family thanks you for your information. They took care of the problem they had."

He looked at me in the mirror behind the bar. "I heard. I also heard you had some problems down at the projects this afternoon."

Thinking about what I went through this afternoon brought a scowl to my face. "It wasn't the best experience I've ever had, but I've had worse. It's just a job." I shrugged my indifference.

"It's not the same as being a real cop, though." He was feeling me out. I was so happy, wanted to sing.

"No. I don't get nearly as much respect as I did with the badge. Got a lot more tail with it, too. I will say this, though, the pay's a lot better now, and I have more freedom to pursue other things that the TPD would frown on."

"Other pursuits could get you in trouble sometimes." He finished his drink and signaled Johnny for another.

"I'm not too worried about that, I still have ears in the TPD. People still owe me favors." I smiled a little. "I have a 'clutch piece' if you know what I mean."

He smirked. "Nothing wrong with getting a little on the side. Keeps life interesting." He paused while we each thought about extracurricular activities. "Does your clutch piece talk in her sleep?"

"Depends on what you want to hear."

"I heard about a body being found in a warehouse on Comstock. Sources say that the cops are close to an arrest. That would be a shame."

I just nodded and said, "Yeah, it would." We sat and drank in silence after that. The message had been passed.

I finished my drink and laid a twenty on the bar. I looked at him in the mirror and nodded. "If you'll excuse me, I've got an itch that I need to scratch." I walked out of the bar practically bouncing with excitement. Maybe I would pay Robin a visit later, but she wouldn't have the information I want. I knew just where to get it, though.

First and Ten is a small bar on Hamilton Ave. It it known as a local cop hangout because the beer is cheap, the wings are hot, the screens are big, and the waitresses don't wear much. I went home to change into street clothes before I went there. They give me enough crap about my new "Job".

Carl and Big Dog were sitting at the bar when I walked in. Carl raised his glass in greeting and said, "Hey, Cupcake. How's it going. I thought you'd be hanging out at Shorty's with the rest of the Rangemen." Fucker.

I went to the bar and sat between Carl and Brewster from crimes against persons. Dawn was behind the bar, and pulled me a beer. As I took a sip, I looked around. "I'd rather hang with the Big Dog." That earned me a laugh. "Besides, I haven't been able to talk shop for a while. I figured I'd see what's going on."

Brewster downed his drink and snorted. "Why don't you let the real cops talk shop, Morelli. Go back and play with the goons." He laid some money on the bar and left.

I turned to Carl. "What crawled up his ass and died?"

Carl smirked. "He's on the Comstock warehouse killing. It wasn't going anywhere, so he put the word out that an arrest was imminent, hoping someone would make a move. If he doesn't have anything by next Friday, the case'll go cold. The Captain is riding his ass because the press is all over it."

Holy crap. I didn't even have to buy anyone a beer and the information fell into my lap. I looked up to heaven and said a silent thanks. I'm sure it looked to Carl like I was rolling my eyes. I've been there before on a case, but I can use this to my advantage. I sat with the guys and shot the shit for a while. I was thinking about paying Robin that visit when Dawn walked up to me. "I'm just about to take my lunch break, you need anything?"

I settled my tab and said, "Nothing in here." Instead of going to my car, I walked around the back of the building. By the time I got to the employee entrance, Dawn was standing there, waiting for me. I followed her through the kitchen and into the office, closing and locking the door behind me. I guess I'll go visit Robin some other time.

STEPH POV

Saturday morning is the only time I go to the gym. Most of the guys skip working out on Saturday, so the gym is quiet. When Carlos and I walked in, we were surprised to see Joe there, running on the treadmill. I gave Carlos a quick peck on the lips and hopped onto the treadmill next to Joe. We both watched as Carlos got himself on the machine he was going to use.

I could watch him work out for hours. Watching his muscles expand and contract under his warm mocha latte skin never fails to get my motor running. That's the real reason I get out of bed on Saturday mornings. We usually have the gym to ourselves. I walk on the treadmill for an hour, mesmerized by his body, then we go upstairs and have awesome shower sex and pancakes. It really is the perfect start to the weekend.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by Joe. "What the hell is he doing?"

I stumbled on the treadmill, but it was going slow enough that at least I didn't fall off. "He's doing sit-ups." Duh.

Joe gave me a look. "I know what sit-ups look like, Cupcake, and that ain't it. You don't use a medicine ball to do sit-ups."

I glared at him. "First of all, around here you're the cupcake, not me. If you want to discuss it, I'd be happy to do it on the mats. Second, he's doing deficit sit-ups. The medicine ball is for added resistance." I went back to watching Carlos' steady up and down movements. God, he's sexy.

Next to me, Joe laughed. "You want to stun gun me again?" Carlos finished his sit-ups and put the medicine ball away. He grabbed a yoga ball and walked over to the suspension bands. As he set up to start working, Joe said, "I suppose you're going to tell me he's about to do push-ups?"

"If you want to be technical, they're called Elevated suspension deficit push-ups. The yoga ball provides elevation, the bands provide suspension and deficit. Together they provide instability which works your muscles harder. Now, if you want a lesson in exercise techniques, I suggest you ask Bobby." I stopped my treadmill. "If you want to settle the cupcake issue once and for all, I'm going over to the mats. One take down. I take you down, you're Cupcake from now on. You take me down, I'll get the guys to stop calling you Cupcake."

Joe smiled and got off his treadmill. "You're on, Cupcake."

We got on the mats and faced each other. Joe may be bigger and stronger than I am, but I've been fed up with that stupid nickname for years. We circled each other for a few minutes before he came in. Before he could blink, I slid to the side, swept his right leg out, and used the momentum to hip toss him. He landed on his back with a whoosh. I did it.

I was doing the Rocky celebration dance. When I spun around, I saw Carlos standing on the edge od the mats with his arms crossed, flashing me his two hundred watt smile. I ran over and jumped into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist. He kissed me with plenty of tongue. When we pulled apart he said, "Proud of you, Babe."

I climbed off of him and turned back to Joe. "Did you really think I've lived here for this long without learning anything, Cupcake?"

He didn't say anything as he walked towards the locker room.

I turned back to Carlos. I was so happy I was bouncing. "Did you see that?"

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my nose. "That was hot"

"Really?"

"Really." He picked me up and carried me towards the elevator. I guess we're going to skip the rest of our workout.

JOE POV

I called Johnny on Monday and told him that the case was going to be dropped to inactive status by the end of the week. He told me that he would pass along the message. By Wednesday, I was bored to tears with searches. I only got one more message from my inside source. All it said was, "soon". My ass was going numb from sitting in my chair. Every time I got up from my desk, the research fairy dropped more files off for me. I wonder who this Rodriguez guy is, anyway. I haven't seen him yet, but most of the searches have his name on them. I was thumping my head against the desk when Binkie stopped by. "How's it going?"

I picked my head up off the desk. "These frigging searches are making me go cross eyed. I never thought I'd wish for another skip to pick up."

Binkie crossed his arms. "Well, you have two choices. I was supposed to go pick up Elaine Kruchek, but Ram got called out of the office. I can help you with your searches or we can see if Elaine's home."

I held out my hand. "Let me see the file first."

I read the File on Elaine Kruchek. She was sixty six years old and worked for the cable company as a customer service rep. She was arrested for assault when she slugged a telephone repairman. She was currently living with her boyfriend, Carl Coglin, who put his house up for the bond. Carl was a taxidermist and performance artist. What the hell was that? On the last page of the file, there was a note that said, "For the love of all that's holy, don't play with the animals."

I gave the file back to Binkie. "Even though I have no idea what kind of performance artist this guy is, I'm in. Anything's gotta be better than doing one more search."

Binkie and I walked onto the porch and were surrounded by the weirdest collection of animals I've ever seen. There were squirrels, raccoons, possums, even a rat. I walked past them and knocked on the door. I could feel their eyes on me and it was creeping me out. Binkie held a beaver up to my face. In a falsetto voice he said, "Joe. You know you want me!"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Put that down, fucker. The file said don't play with the animals."

Binkie put the beaver in my face again. "But don't you loooove me?"

I was laughing when the door opened. Carl Coglin stood there looking at us. "Can I interest you in a piece?"

"I'm sorry, sir, we're looking for Elaine. She missed her court date and we need to reschedule."

He looked upset. "She had to go out of town. Her mother had a heart attack." He took out his cell phone and made a call. "Elaine? There's some men here that say you missed your court date." He talked to her for a minute and then looked at us. "Shed's in Florida for a family emergency. She's coming home in two days. Is there anything we can do?"

Binkie looked up from the beaver he was talking to. "Have her call the courthouse and explain her situation. The phone number's on the summons. If she can prove that it was an emergency, they'll reschedule her."

Carl talked to her again and hung up. "Thank you for helping us. Please take the beaver as my way of saying thanks."

We weren't going to, but the old man insisted. When we left the house, I took the thing from Binkie to put it in the back of the SUV. I didn't want that thing looking at me. When we got back to Rangeman, I went around back to get it out. That was when I noticed that it had three eyes. I called out. "I hate to tell you this, but you picked out a mutant beaver. This thing has three eyes." I poked the middle eye as Binkie came over to investigate. The damn thing started ticking. Before I could drop it, it exploded, covering me in Beaver fur and foam filling. Fuck.

I went to the gym once again to shower. When I was walking out of the locker room, I ran into Bobby walking in. "Physical on Friday," he reminded me. "Be here at 0800 and we'll get the in office part done before we head to Fort Dix." Fuck.

**That's the last skip, I swear. (For now, anyway). Besides, the next chapter starts on Friday morning. What could go wrong? **


	16. Let's get physical

**A lot of research went into this chapter. I've never seen the confidence course at Fort Dix, so I combined bits of the 2 Ranger School courses (Malvesti for the buddy carry and Darby Queen for the obstacles), the Seals course for the time requirements, and I relied heavily on www dot militaryspot dot com slash enlist slash apft_obstacle_course_exercises_confidence . If you want details of what every Army confidence course should contain, that's the place to go.**

**Also, as soon as I decided that Cathy could come, Gayle wanted in, too. She can really be a pest sometimes… For my own amusement, I decided that this story happens after Ram & Gayle and Cathy & Cal get together, but before either of them get married...**

**Anyway, all the characters you recognize belong to JE. Gayle is mine, even though I've been trying to give her away since we were kids… the mistakes are mine, too.**

BOBBY POV

Joe showed up in my office at exactly 0800 on Friday morning. I told him to strip. He was incensed. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Do I look like I'm kidding?"

"What the hell are you doing that I need to strip for?"

"I'm not looking to make you my girlfriend, Morelli. Every Rangeman employee has a full physical as a condition of employment. It's in the contract you signed. You also have the skills evaluation, which we'll be doing at Fort Dix. You can either walk out the door, or turn your head and cough."

Morelli stayed and passed his physical. Trust me when I say I never want to see that hairy ass again. I took blood and urine samples. When we were done, I had him get dressed. I told him to send Cal in and wait outside. Cal's physical went much faster, since he didn't argue with me. Once both men were ready, we got into an SUV and drove to the base.

ANGIE MORELLI POV

My daughter has been seeing Cal for a few months now. I admit I was hard on him at first, but he works with those criminals. I was wrong about him, though. Even I can see how much they love each other. They came to dinner last night, and Cal was telling Cathy about the physical he had to do today. I never really understood how tough his job was until Joseph started working with him. I don't think Joseph is as suited for this as Cal is. Honestly, I've never gotten calls from the neighbors because Cal was covered in someone else's groceries. Believe me when I say I would have heard.

While he was describing what was involved, he mentioned that he would be running the course with Joseph. When I asked him if anybody else would be there, he told me that there would be people there and invited me to come with Cathy to watch. Normally, I would never interfere, but I'm worried about my son. I want to see him do well.

Cathy and I found a spot in the front row of the bleachers. She told me that she had already kissed Cal's tattoo for luck this morning. We were looking at all the soldiers when I felt like someone's eyes were on me. I looked around some more, but I didn't see anyone I recognized. As we were waiting, Stephanie Plum walked up with Joseph's other former fiancée, Gayle. Out of all of his girlfriends, I liked Gayle the most. I was heartbroken when they broke up, and there were rumors that Terri may have had something to do with that. Gayle and I had lunch after the dust had settled. She was polite, and respectful. We parted on friendly terms. I sighed. She would have made the perfect wife for Joseph.

Stephanie stopped to talk to some of the men in the stands. When she looked in our direction, Cathy waived them over. I was still looking at the men Stephanie had been talking to when I got the feeling of being watched again. I was about to turn around, when one of the men sitting there caught my eye. Lord, he's handsome, very distinguished looking. Before I could do or say anything else, Gayle said, "Mrs. Morelli, it's good to see you again." I turned to greet her, and got involved in a conversation with the ladies. The next time I looked over there, I couldn't see him.

STEPH POV

The stands were packed for the skills test. I caught a ride here with Gayle. Carlos got here early to talk to the General, and I planned on leaving with him. When he dressed in his ACU's this morning, I wanted to tear them back off and jump him. He looked even hotter than usual. When we got to the course, I stopped to talk to the guys. They were laying bets again. I told them to put me down for fifty dollars that Joe would collapse at the end of the run. I didn't think he was going to puke.

I spotted Cathy waving at us, and we made our way over to sit with her and Mrs. Morelli. I was a little surprised that Joe's mom was here, but shocked by how friendly she was with Gayle. I don't think she was that nice to me when Joe and I were engaged.

The general walked up to a podium set to the side of the stands. Everyone gave him their undivided attention as he addressed the crowd. "Men, you are very fortunate to be here today. I know that many of you have expressed an interest in advancing to Special Forces. Any Special Forces career begins with Ranger School. Most of the men you will see today have completed Ranger school. Three of them moved beyond Ranger Battalion into 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment –Delta, or Delta Force. Even though these men are no longer active duty military, they represent the pinnacle of military training, and we are fortunate to have them here.

"One of the most important skills an operator will learn is marksmanship. Every operator is an expert marksman, but a few will go beyond that to earn the title of Sniper. We have a sniper here. He's been moving into position since I began my talk." We all looked at the course and the field beyond it. There was nothing to see. The General continued. "One half mile away is a three inch target. When he fires, it will set off an explosion. Rangeman has offered one thousand dollars to any man who can spot the sniper before he gets to the Victory Tower. If you see him, inform your CO, and we'll verify his location."

As soon as the General paused, we heard the crack of a gunshot. It was surprisingly close. A few seconds later, there was an explosion in the distance. Everyone looked around, trying to find the shooter, but there was nothing there to see. Gayle nudged me with her elbow and said, "That's my man." I couldn't help but laugh at her satisfied smile.

The General continued. "To enter Ranger School, you have to be physically fit. You must pass minimum requirements in order to be accepted. The first requirement is push-ups." Ranger, Tank, Cal, and Joe walked out in front of the obstacle course. Joe was wearing his TPD sweats, but the rest of the guys were wearing ACU's, or Army Combat Uniforms. Ranger and Tank both wore the green berets associated with Delta Force. Cal wore his tan Army Ranger beret. Other than that, they looked identical, and extremely hot. "You have two minutes to complete 49 push-ups."

Bobby walked out to join them along with four men from the stands. Each of the men were there to count push-ups. Bobby told them to begin and hit his stopwatch. After the two minutes were up, Bobby told them to stop. The men that were counting each gave their totals. Joe had done sixty, Cal had done a hundred and twenty seven, Tank had done a hundred and forty two, and Ranger did two hundred and six. I nudged Gayle and said, "That's my man." We both laughed.

The General spoke again. "The next requirement is sit-ups. You have two minutes to do fifty nine." Bobby once again told the men when to start and stop. Joe had sixty five, Cal had ninety four, Tank had ninety eight, and Ranger had a hundred and seventeen.

Cathy looked at me. "Is he even human?"

I grinned. "He's Batman." This time all three of us laughed.

The General spoke, "The next requirement is six chin-ups with no movement of the lower body. While these men perform that task, I'd like to call your attention to the Victory Tower." Ram was standing at attention by the tower in his ACU's and green beret, his ghillie suit and rifle behind him. He saluted The General, and the General saluted him back. He picked up his equipment and walked towards the cars as the General said, "I guess no one's getting the reward this time, either." We watched the guys do their chin-ups. When they were finished, the General went on. "Next comes the run. You have forty minutes to run five miles, but you must also do two miles within fifteen minutes and twelve seconds. The course we've set up for them is a mile long, so we will be able to track their progress." Bobby had the guys start their run. "While they are running, Colonel James will answer any questions you may have." The General stepped away from the podium and walked over to where Bobby was standing. The two men shook hands and started talking.

Ram walked up to us and sat next to Gayle. She took his hand and said, "Baby, you're the best."

He smiled and said, "Yes."

I asked him, "Ram, when are you going to let me see your gun?"

Gayle giggled. Ram kissed her hand and told me, "Bonita is the only one who gets to see my gun. The next time you are at the range, though, I will show you my rifle." Ugh, guys are so gross sometimes. Ram left us to go talk to the rest of the Rangeman guys for a couple of minutes.

At the five minute mark, Cal and Ranger passed the mile mark, neck and neck. Tank and Joe were close behind them. At ten minutes, Ranger passed two miles with Cal close behind him. Tank passed the mark thirty seconds later, and Joe was a minute behind Tank. Ranger kept a steady pace and finished the run in twenty five minutes. He walked over to Bobby and got a bottle of water. Cal finished the run in twenty eight minutes, Tank finished in thirty three. Joe came in at thirty nine minutes and twenty nine seconds. He was bent over with his hands on his knees and breathing hard, but he didn't collapse. I guess I owe the guys fifty bucks. Bobby walked over to Joe and handed him a bottle of water. Joe sucked half of it down before he went behind the cars and puked. I guess someone else won the bet.

The General walked back to the podium. "The final phase of this test is the confidence course. Our course isn't the same as the Darby Queen, so we've adapted the requirement. A Ranger must be able to overcome all obstacles, so each soldier must finish one hundred percent of the course. We have given you a twelve minute time limit."

Ranger stepped up to the beginning. Bobby told him when to start. All of the obstacles are made out of logs and rope. Some of them have barbed wire for extra fun. Ranger began his run. He was fast and graceful. I know I would have face-planted at least once if I went that fast. I watched him run, climb, jump, and crawl with ease. The confidence course was almost like a gigantic jungle gym for him. By the time he was done, my panties were ruined. He finished the course in five minutes and fifty three seconds. After he completed the course, he walked over and saluted the General. The General saluted back and shook his hand. He turned back to the microphone and said, "This man has probably seen more action in hostile territory than most of us put together. The country owes him a debt of gratitude that we can never repay. I personally owe him my life. If any of you men do make it into Special Forces, Ranger is the kind of soldier you want to become." He shook Ranger's hand again. "You have anything you want to say, son?"

Usually it's a strain to get more than eight words out of him in a day, so I was surprised when he walked up to the microphone. "I'm glad we're not at the Darby Queen. Tank's put on a lot of weight since the last time I had to buddy carry him."

The audience laughed while Tank shouted, "Why don't you carry this?"

Ranger stepped away from the podium and it was Cal's turn on the course. Ranger grabbed another bottle of water and worked his way over to where we were sitting, accepting fist bumps from his men as he walked by. Ram and Gayle scooted over to make room for him next to me. He took my hand. I looked at him and said, "Proud of you, Babe."

He barked out a laugh. "I think that's my line."

Cal finished the course in eight and a half minutes. He saluted the General and was saluted in return. He made his way over to us and sat between Cathy and her mom. Mrs. Morelli positively gushed. "Cal, that was amazing."

"Thank you, Mrs. M. I'm glad you came out. Maybe next time we'll do a jump. You'd like that."

Mrs. Morelli smiled and patted his hand. "No, you and Cathy don't need to have me tagging along with you. I'm just glad you come to dinner as often as you do."

I looked at Gayle and was a little glad to see that she had the same stunned expression that I did. Cal had Mrs. Morelli completely charmed. I can't believe she calls the rest of the guys criminals.

Cathy put her hand on Cal's thigh. "Mama already loves you. Quit flirting with her."

Cal treated her to a lazy grin. "Chere, if you think that was flirting, wait till I get you home tonight." Cathy blushed and laid her head on Cal's shoulder. We all settled down to watch Tank.

Tank is a mountain of a man. You would think that he would move slowly, but you'd be wrong. He worked his way through the course methodically, going through each obstacle like a man half his size. In the end, he finished with a time of nine minutes, forty five seconds. He did his salutes and walked over to the guys. Hal handed him some cash. I guess he bet on puke.

Joe was the only one left. Mrs. Morelli tensed in her seat. He started the obstacle course at a steady pace, but it was obvious that he was worn out. He continued to work his way over and under the obstacles, but he was getting slower with each one. Finally, he got to the last obstacle. I was afraid that he wouldn't make it to the top of the rope climb, but he got there. He swung across the bars, losing his grip on one bar, but recovering. All four of us girls sucked in a breath when he slipped. When he swung off of the last rope, we knew he had made it. We all looked at Bobby, who announced eleven minutes and fifty seven seconds.

I was relieved that he made it, but that was short lived. When I looked back at Joe, he was lying on the ground. Cathy, his mother, and Bobby all ran over to check on him. Cal went to the cars to get Bobby's medical bag, and Ranger walked over to where we could see Joe sitting up and talking to Bobby. When Cal reached them, Bobby removed Joe's shoe and wrapped his ankle. Cal and Bobby helped him hobble over to the cars. They loaded him into an SUV, and Bobby and Joe's mom drove him away.

Ranger made his way back to us. "He took a hard landing at the end. Bobby thinks his left ankle is sprained, but they're going to x-ray it to be sure. I told him to take the rest of the weekend off, and we'd see him on Monday." He looked at Ram and Cal. "Good work, men. I'll see you Monday, 0800." Both of them saluted Ranger, and walked away.

He put his arm around my shoulder and walked us towards his Porsche. When he climbed in on his side, I leaned across the center console and gave him a bone melting kiss. When I pulled away, I was breathing heavily and he was thinking about smiling. Damn, he looked good enough to eat.

Ranger started the car. "I'll drive fast." I guess I must have said the last part out loud. Yay.

BOBBY POV

The x-ray showed that Joe's ankle wasn't broken. I brought him and his mother back to his house and arranged to have their vehicles brought to them. I told him to keep his ankle elevated and put ice on it for 24 hours. I have a feeling that his mother will spend the rest of the day hovering over him.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was six seconds over the time for the confidence course. It'll just be my secret. He may be an asshole, but he gave it his all today.

**A/N – So Joe passed, kinda. I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think, I love hearing from you, it makes my day!**

**Hmmm, I wonder if Joe is actually responsible for his mom meeting Rodriguez...**


	17. Get well soon

**I know this took a long time to get out, but I'm still dealing (quite literally) with the fallout from what we call my traumatic hair injury. To quote Tom Hanks from Dragnet, "Don't worry kids, it'll grow back." ;-)**

**All the cool kids get to sit at JE's table. I'm just glad they let me do their homework, even if I do make mistakes.**

JOE POV

When we finally got home from the hospital, I took a pain pill and laid down on the couch, hoping to take a nap. Not five minutes later, there was a knock on my door. Before I could get up, my mother rushed to the door to see who it was. It was my sister Cathy and Cal, who were there to see if I was ok, and drop off my mother's car. Mom and Cathy went into the kitchen, leaving Cal in the living room with me. I really wasn't in the mood for visitors right now. Cal sat in the chair next to the couch, looking like he didn't want to be there, either. Finally he said, "You did good out there today. Sucks about the ankle, though."

"Yeah, thanks." There was a long silence. Neither of us really have that much to say to each other. I decided to ask him something that I was wondering about since we got to Fort Dix. "So, Ranger, Tank, and Ram were all Green Berets?"

He nodded. "Brown was, too."

I was surprised by that. "But he's a medic."

"Don't let that fool you. Everyone needs a medic. Besides, not all medical knowledge is used to heal."

I let that sink in. "And you were a Ranger."

He nodded. "75th Ranger Battalion. Met most of the guys there. That was a long time ago." I could tell that he was uncomfortable talking about it, so I let it drop. I turned on the TV, and fell asleep.

When I woke up, it sounded like there was a party going on in my kitchen. I sat up, and every muscle in my body screamed from the earlier abuse. Then I noticed that Cal was no longer sitting in the chair, Ranger was in his place, watching the TV. He wasn't in his ACU's anymore, but had changed back into his usual Rangeman black. He nodded at my ankle. "That going to hold up your mission?"

"No. Special Operations Group?" For some reason, I really wanted to know if he went into Covert Ops for the CIA when he left the Army. If anything, that makes him even scarier than he already was.

He arched an eyebrow. He knew what I was asking. "What's that?"

I gave him a look. I must not glare as well as Stephanie, because he barked out a laugh. "That's not something I'm going to discuss with you." I guess that's as close to an admission as I'm going to get, he didn't actually say no. He changed the subject. "Steph and I dropped off the SUV you were using. She wanted to make sure that you were Ok. Don't forget to keep us in the loop." He stood and walked towards my kitchen. I guess she's in there with everyone else. As soon as he walked into the kitchen, my mother and Grandma Bella came out to check on me. I may be in my thirties, but it's nice to have them here taking care of me.

Once they were sure that my leg wasn't going to fall off, they let everyone else come in. In addition to everyone that I already knew was here, my brother, his wife, and my cousin Mooch were all here as well. My sister brought out a big bakery box. "Eddie Gazarra came over and dropped this off. He said it was from everyone down at the station."

I opened the box. There were a dozen cupcakes in the box. Someone had written "Get well soon, Cupcake!" on the inside of the lid, and everyone at the TPD signed the box. Assholes.

Steph and Ranger left as soon as she saw for herself that I was okay. Shortly after that, people started leaving until it was just me, mom, and grandma. Grandma Bella slapped me on the back of my head. "Why do you worry your mother like that?"

I rubbed the spot she just hit. "I didn't mean to." She harrumphed and went back to the kitchen.

My mother sat on the couch next to me and checked the ice on my ankle. "Are you sure you're okay, Joey?"

Jeez. "I'm fine, ma. It could have happened to anyone."

She frowned. "It wouldn't have happened if you were working at the button factory. No one ever sprained their ankle on the line there. Why do you want to have such a demanding job? Didn't I raise you right?"

Lord, I don't want to have this conversation right now. "Ma, you raised me just fine. There's nothing wrong with the job I have."

She fidgeted. "I just worry about you. I don't like to see you get hurt."

"Ma, it's a sprained ankle. I'll be back on my feet in no time. I'm fine, and my job's not that bad." I kissed her cheek. "Now, what's for dinner?"

She let me change the subject. "I made you stuffed shells. I know how you like them." She took my ice pack into the kitchen.

Terri came over later on. She sat on the couch with me and curled up against my side. My mother and grandmother decided to stay in the kitchen, so she wouldn't interrupt us. I wouldn't be surprised if my mother was hoping that we were making her a grandbaby right now. Terri said, "Uncle Carmine said that you could work at his sporting goods store starting Monday if you wanted to."

Terri's uncle Carmine doesn't really own a sporting goods store. The guy that does own it owes uncle Carmine enough money that he took over the store and is slowly bleeding it dry. Once every penny is sucked out of it, Carmine will leave, and the owner will go bankrupt. "Terri, I told you that I can't work for your uncle."

She leaned back and looked at me. "Why not? It's an honest business. Are you telling me that you'd rather be blowing up cars and rolling in garbage for those Rangeman thugs? Do you think I like hearing that the guys are betting on your latest disaster? It's embarrassing, Joe."

I really wanted to start yelling, but my mother is in the kitchen. "I already told you that I can't take a job with the mafia while I'm trying to get my job as a cop back. Is it too much to ask for my girlfriend to be supportive of me?"

"You can't work at a sporting goods store, but you can work with Stephanie? You can get yourself covered in Crisco for her, but what about me?"

"I told you, Stephanie and I work together. That's it. You know what? I've had a really bad day, the pain pills are wearing off, and I don't need this. I'm going upstairs to lay down. You do whatever you want." I stood up and started towards the stairs. I called out to my mother, "I'll be down for dinner."

When I came back downstairs at six, the table was set for four. Terri came out of the kitchen, carrying the salad. I guess my mother talked her into staying. Dinner was quiet until grandma leaned back in her chair. When she straightened back up, she grabbed my hand. "You're in trouble. someone from your past wants to be with you. I can't see who she is." She shook her head. "Be careful, Joseph. I want bambinos from you." She gave Terri a meaningful look, then stood. "I gotta go lay down. I need to rest after I have a vision."

The rest of dinner was quiet after that. My mother took our plates into the kitchen, and I walked Terri to the door. She kissed me goodnight and said, "I worry about you, Joe. Please be careful."

I gave her another kiss. "I will be." She left, and I took another pain pill before hobbling off to bed.

On Saturday morning, I got a surprise visit from Johnny. I was glad that my mom and grandma had gone off to the grocery store, I would prefer it if they didn't meet him. He didn't stay long. "We heard about your accident. I just wanted to drop by and thank you for your assistance in the other matter. The guys took up a collection to help you out in case you missed any work." He handed me an envelope and left. There was ten thousand dollars in cash inside. I know it was a payoff for getting the case dropped, but there was no way to prove it. The good news is that they were starting to trust me. I grabbed my burn phone and went outside to call my captain. I wanted to give him an update, and Ranger hasn't told me if Hector found anything inside my house.

I spent Sunday buying a new SUV for me and Bob. The only requirement I had was that I didn't want anything in black. Since my insurance check hasn't come in yet, I used some of the money that I earned from the distraction. I called Rangeman while I was signing the paperwork for my new ride. They came and got the Rangeman vehicle before I even got my new keys.

On Monday, I got to the office and checked in with Bobby. He decided that I needed to be on light duty for the week. I walked to Ranger's office to see what he wanted me to do. He asked me to close the door and come in. When I sat down, he opened his desk drawer, pulling out a bunch of tiny devices. "These were removed from your house. Hector tried to trace them, but they're so common, you could pick them up at Radio Shack. Cal and I checked your house again the other day, and it was clean. If I were you, I would assume that whoever put them in there will attempt to do so again." Son of a bitch. Who the hell is planting bugs on me? Before I left his office, Ranger decided that I should go back to doing searches again. By the time I hobbled over to my cubicle, my inbox was full. I'm really starting to dislike this Rodriguez guy, whoever he is. I got a message from my mystery informant that afternoon. "Find anything yet?"

I looked around to see if anyone was nearby. Not seeing anyone, I typed back, "no".

After a pause, I got a new message. "Maybe what you're looking for isn't there."

"Maybe I just don't know where to look." Solving the riddle that is Rangeman is starting to become an obsession. The more I find out about them, the less I seem to know.

I got another message. "Where does all the paperwork go?" I just assumed that they shredded everything. I should know better. The government likes to have hard copies of everything, and it's pretty clear that some of these guys still do government work. The only question I have now is, how do I get to those files?

By the end of the week, I was ready to beg Bobby to get off light duty if I had to. I ran searches, did monitor duty, and ran more searches. For a change of pace, on Wednesday they switched me to phones and front desk. I can't even begin to describe how much fun it was to stare at the front door for hours on end.


	18. flying the (very) friendly skies

**Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out, the first time I wrote it, it was wrong in so many ways that I scrapped it and had to rewrite the whole thing. Hopefully you think that this was worth the wait... :-)**

**Any characters you recognize belong to JE. All mistakes are mine.**

JOE POV

On Monday morning, I was cleared to go back to full duty. It's a good thing, because I was already tired of sitting at a desk. Unfortunately, Junior was also released for full duty, which meant that Binkie had his regular partner back. While Tank tried to figure out where to put me, Ranger suggested that I take some of the files to the warehouse. This was exactly what I was waiting for. I was finally going to get my hands on some real information. Ranger told me how to get to the warehouse and I walked down to the garage.

The Rangeman warehouse is located inside Trenton-Mercer airport, which meant that not only did I have to get through security to get on the airfield, but I had to get through the security on the warehouse itself. It looked like an old airplane hangar, but I'm pretty sure that the security is stronger here than the Pentagon.

One half of the hangar held the Rangeman private jet. The sleek, black Gulfstream G550 looked like it belonged to the fleet, expensively badass. The Ranger that owned a corporate jet like this one is a far cry from the soldier that I saw on the confidence course. Of course both Corporate Ranger and Soldier Ranger were at odds with my first impression of Thug Ranger. I couldn't help but wonder what he's done to be able to afford a $53 million dollar airplane. Who was the real Ranger?

Shaking off thoughts of luxury airplanes, how easy it would be to join the mile high club with a plane like that, and the fact that a certain Cuban pain in my ass probably already has, I grabbed the hand cart inside the door and went back out to unload all of the files. When I opened the door to the file storage room, I was again treated to a shock. The shelves of files went from the floor practically to the ceiling, and stretched as far as the eye could see. I could spend years going through each file and never find anything. The first thing I needed to do was to figure out how the filing system worked. I opened up the first box that I had brought with me. It turned out that there are two copies of every file. One gets filed by the case number, and the other gets filed by subject name. That cuts the number of files to go through in half, but still doesn't give me any idea of where to look.

I decided to start exactly where I started my computer search. Going to the alphabetical shelves, I removed the file for Abruzzi, Edward. The file read exactly like the computer file did and I was starting to feel discouraged. At the end of the file, however, there was an additional note that didn't appear in the computerized file. Where the computer file ended with the line "Found next day after suicide", this one went on to say Operation Terminated. I know exactly how it was terminated, but there still wasn't any evidence to the contrary in the folder.

While I was contemplating my next move, I decided to actually file a few of the folders. I shuddered when I got to the folder for James Rothschild. The fallout from that distraction was still fresh in my mind. I had to climb up two levels and use a catwalk to get to the section of folders where his would be stored. As I was flipping through the folders, a couple of names stuck out at me. The first was Eula Rothridge. Unless I'm mistaken, there's an old bag lady down by the train station named Eula. After I filed James' folder, I took Eula's out and leafed through it. I was right, Eula is the woman I was thinking about. I wonder what Ranger's interest in her is. I decided to have a chat with her on my day off this week.

The second name was Jerry Rawlings. I'm not sure why that name stood out, but I pulled the file and flipped through the pages. It was obvious that I was looking at a government file. There were enough lines blacked out that only half the file was even readable. It seems that old Jerry rose to power in Ghana by way of Coup. When his second term in office was up, it didn't look like he was very anxious to hand over the reins. A team was sent to "persuade" him that stepping down was in his best interests. The file ended with Operation Successful. I believe they let old Jerry live.

Since I was already up in the R section, I decided to go a little further and take a look at Edward Scrog. That was another name that held a lot of significance. The folder again contained the publicly available story. On a side note, I was unpleasantly surprised by how early in the case he moved in to Steph's apartment. There was also a note at the end that he had been stabbed in prison while awaiting trial, and died of injuries sustained. Again the file ended with "Operation Terminated". Operation my ass. I wonder how much it cost him to have Scrog shanked in prison.

Out of curiosity, I went to the C's and found a file for Fidel Castro. It was inches thick. Even though he had obviously never used any of the information, it was interesting to see how much time he had taken to gather Intel on the ruler of his grandparents' homeland.

By the end of the day, I didn't really have any new information, but I'd have a few more days to look through some of the folders if I worked it right. It was time to head to my new favorite bar and see what was going on with Trenton's criminal finest.

RANGER POV

I watched on my monitor as Morelli secured the warehouse building. I admit it was fun to see the expression on his face when he saw exactly how much paperwork could be generated by four offices of a security company. I had received a call earlier from Mayor Juniak requesting an update. Since I had very little to tell him, he suggested a meeting later in the week with Joe and the chief.

The next morning after our usual meeting, Joe asked if he could speak to me. We went into my office and he closed the door. "As you know, I've made contact with the Campanoli family. So far I've passed on some information and done some low level intel gathering for them." If he thinks I believe they'd give someone $10,000 to gather some info, he's even dumber than he looks. If he thinks I don't know about the $10,000, then he doesn't really know me. I nodded to get him to continue. "They are negotiating a deal with Hannibal Ramos, and want any intel I can get them."

I stared at him for a minute, and he looked down. He was holding something back, and we both knew it. I asked him, "Are you going back to the warehouse today?" He nodded. "He has a file in there. You're welcome to look at it, but it is not to leave the building." He stood and went to the door. Before he could open it, I stopped him. "Morelli, keeping me informed is for your safety and benefit. I can't help you if I don't know what's going on." His cop face slammed down. I'm pretty sure he'd rather get shot than admit that he might need my help. I'd let him do it, but Steph might be unhappy with that. "Just as an FYI, Rothschild's case got thrown out on Friday. A key prosecution witness disappeared. You may want to steer clear of Point Pleasant for a while." The cop face dropped, and I had to struggle to maintain my own blank face. His look was priceless.

JOE POV

I've made a lot of progress getting into the Campanoli family. The information I found on Hannibal in the Rangeman folder will go a long way towards securing a position within the family. So far, they've given me little tasks that stay inside my comfort zone, and I've been doing everything they ask. I have a feeling that they'll start pushing for more, soon. I have a meeting set up for Wednesday night with the Mayor and the Chief, to hand over the cash and get them up to speed on the situation.

I haven't seen much of Terri since I hurt my ankle, so I thought about giving her a call. In the end, I decided not to. I figured that we could use a break from each other. I called Robin, but it went to voicemail. It looks like it's just going to be me, Bob, and the Mets tonight. During the seventh inning stretch, I started thinking about Stephanie. I admit I was feeling a little buzzed, but that wasn't why I was thinking about her. She used to come over and watch the games with me. We would curl up together on the couch, and she would yell at the TV just as much as I did. The Mets were ahead 7-2, and it looked like we would get the win. If she was here, we'd be fooling around more than watching the game by this point. I started to think about where we went wrong. Our fights were legendary in the Burg, almost as much as our time outs. If we had stayed together, we'd be married by now. I tried to imagine what that would be like, but honestly, I couldn't. She always told me that she didn't want to get married, but I didn't believe that. Maybe if I had been a little more supportive of her choices, she would have been more receptive to my needs. Honestly, though, she made some truly bad choices.

JOE JUNIAK POV

I met Ranger in a diner in Hamilton Township at 6:30 on Wednesday evening. It was far enough that we shouldn't be seen by anyone who would recognize us. When I got there five minutes early, Ranger was already at the furthest table from the door, with his back to the wall. We exchanged pleasantries while the waitress brought me a cup of coffee. Once she left, I got down to business. "Morelli should be here in a few minutes," I told him. "I'd like you to move your car around to the back of the building and come in the rear door. You can stay back there, but I don't think he'll talk if he knows you're here."

Ranger laughed. "You keep talking like that and you'll hurt my feelings." He handed the waitress a twenty and walked out the door just as the police chief came in. I filled the chief in on where Ranger was headed, and we ordered pie while we waited for Morelli.

Joe showed up right on time. He came to the table and handed the chief an evidence bag. He told us that he made contact with a member of the family and has had several meetings with him. He told us about the information that he's been passing to them. He had a meeting set up for the following night. He wasn't entirely sure what it was about, but he thought it might tie in to the Ramos information he gave them. The chief gave him some advice and told him to keep us up to date.

After Morelli left, Ranger came out of the back room and sat down. I was worried that Morelli would get himself in over his head before he asked Ranger to help. Ranger smirked. "By the time you're drinking your morning coffee, the bar will be wired for sound."

The chief looked incredulous. "He never said where the meetings occurred. Have you been following him?"

"He drove there in a Rangeman SUV that I loaned him. All of our vehicles are monitored and tracked any time they are in use. It's clearly spelled out in the employment contract that he signed. I didn't need to follow him, he showed me where it was."

The chief shook his head and stood to go. "It's a good thing you're on our side."


	19. But do they have fish tacos?

**Okay, so we're moving along now. We still have a little further to go before all of life's little mysteries are revealed. I think we might be able to wrap it up in about three or four more chapters.**

**I want to take the opportunity again to thank everyone who had read and reviewed so far. You have no idea how much I love reading what you think about this!**

**You probably already know this by now, but any characters you recognize belong to JE. The mistakes are mine, though!**

JOE POV

Two frigging weeks. That's how long I spent in the warehouse. Two weeks of filing and searching, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I found files on hostage rescue missions, infiltrating terrorist cells, and a big fat zero on anything criminal Rangeman might have done. All in all, it was a depressing waste of time.

While my mind was slowly going numb searching through files, my other case was going well. I am getting further into the family every time I do something for them. Most of the stuff I've done was harmless. I did a numbers run one night, I passed some information on a rival to one of my TPD contacts, nothing serious. Except for the night they sent me with another goon to collect on a debt. I'm sure he'll be able to walk again after some therapy, but I was responsible for helping to put a man in the hospital. My only consolation is that when the family goes down, he'll be in jail for assault as well as all the other crimes he's committed. I have quite a collection of envelopes full of money to turn over to the chief again. Whoever said that crime doesn't pay never worked for the mafia.

The down side is that Terri found out that I was doing small jobs for the Campanoli family and broke up with me again. She really went ballistic. I can get her back after I bust the family and she realizes that it was an undercover operation, but I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. Part of me loves her, but I don't know if I'm actually in love with her.

RANGER POV

I remember when Joe made the four month mark. If he were actually here as an employee, he would have been fired by then. He's not exactly a team player, and I don't think there has ever been anyone less aware of their surroundings. I'm including Stephanie in that statement, because she's always known when I was nearby. Since we wired the bar, we've been able to track all of Joe's activity. When he went to collect on the debt, Binkie and Junior followed him the whole night. Afterwords, Binkie told me that either Joe didn't have his heart in the job, or else he's forgotten half of the things Hal and Les taught him, because he telegraphed his punches horribly.

The good news is that he doesn't call Stephanie Cupcake anymore. It only took one more fight, this one with me, to break him of the habit for good. The lesson he took from his time on the mats with me is that once something has been decided on the mats, that decision is final. Actually, he learned two lessons that day. The other one was to not try my patience when I'm in a mood to begin with. One week of monitors followed by one week of Grandma patrol really drove the lesson home.

The night it happened, we were doing another distraction, and I decided to let him be a part of the team. We had a skip who would be at the Fish Market that night. It took a lot of sweet talking and repeated applications of the word please, but Stephanie would be doing the distracting. I took a peek at the Catholic School Girl costume Ella got for her. After I saw that, I found Les and told him that if he made Steph uncomfortable in that outfit, I would personally rip off his arms and beat him to death with them. If she looked half as good as I think she would, I'd have plans for later on.

The Fish Market is a strip club in a bad part of town. It sits between a tattoo parlor and a Taco Loco. Jerome Martin was on bail for armed robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, and resisting arrest. It took a long time to find out that he went to that bar with his friends every Thursday night because that's when a dancer named Star Kissed takes the stage. You know it's a really classy place when the dancer names herself after Tuna. Joe, Cal, and Les would all be inside dressed as patrons. Steph would be walking the floor as a waitress.

When I got to seven to pick Steph up, I could feel my jaw drop and my blood head for parts south. I never thought the schoolgirl thing would do it for me. Man was I wrong. She bounded up to me, her curls bouncing in two pig tails, and I forgot to breathe. I know she saw my reaction and was pleased by it. She dragged me towards the door. I grabbed my coat on the way out and draped it over her shoulders. I didn't want the guys in the control room to have heart attacks, and I knew if she didn't cover herself, I was going to wreck the car on the drive over there.

I took a little extra time wiring her. I was still reluctant to let her out of my car, but the sooner we got in there, the sooner I could take her home. I wanted to get her home, bad. We were parked behind the building so that she could go in the employee entrance. Bobby and Hector were positioned there as a safety measure. I didn't doubt for a second that she would get Martin to follow her out the front door. I talked briefly to the bouncer manning the door, and she walked inside. I made my way around front, and I knew the instant that the guys saw her, because all the chatter over the earpiece stopped dead. When the silence continued, she quietly said, "Um, guys?"

Morelli was the first person to speak. "Fuck, Cupcake."

I knew exactly what he was thinking, and wanted to go in there and beat the shit out of him. Instead, I announced, "Morelli, mats, 0500." I can wait until morning.

STEPH POV

I was really nervous about the outfit Ella got me for the distraction, but one look at Ranger's response, and I knew Ella was right, as usual. Ranger brought me to the club and parked around back in the employee lot. He talked to the bouncer, and left me with him. The bouncer's name was Jason, and he introduced me to the girl who was going to show me the ropes. She introduced herself as Lotta Chubsucker. Eww. She walked me over to the bar and got me a tray. She knew I wasn't going to be doing any serving, but it helped to look the part. As I turned around to get the layout of the room, I noticed that the guys had stopped talking. I could see Cal staring at me, slack jawed, and I knew Les and Joe were in the room, somewhere. When he called me cupcake, I started scanning the room until I had locked on to him with my death glare firmly in place. Lotta noticed my stare and said, "Don't scare the customers." Then she turned to see who I was looking at. When she saw Joe, she said, "Son of a bitch," and walked away.

Once I got the death glare under control, I scanned the room and found Martin. I was starting to walk towards him when I saw Jason and another bouncer walk up to Joe. Through my earpiece, I heard the bouncer say to Joe, "Could you come with me, sir?" Joe looked like he was going to argue, but Les told him not to make a scene. The bouncers walked Joe towards the back entrance.

Lotta had made her way back to me, so I asked, "Was he drunk?"

She gave me an evil grin. "Nah, drunks go out the front. That was Karma."

"Karma?"

"Yeah, I met him two years ago. He gave me some bullshit lines about some super secret spy stuff, and I believed him." Just then, I heard a loud crash over my earpiece. I would be worried that they were beating Joe up, but Bobby and Hector were back there. They wouldn't let him get hurt. "He lived with me for three months. Called me his Cupcake." Now I wanted the bouncers to hurt him a little. He really was a pig. "I thought we were getting serious when all of the sudden, he disappeared. Turned out he was an undercover cop. I took care of him for months, and he was only there to arrest my brother."

That must have sucked. "Lotta, I'm so sorry."

She shrugged. "I got over it. I always promised myself that if I ever saw him again, I'd do my best to let him know how it felt to be treated like trash. I just never thought I'd get the opportunity." By the look on her face and the laughter over the earpiece, I know exactly what happened to him. I was going to and make sure he was okay, but she nudged me towards Martin. "Go get your man, honey. Star Kissed is on in a few." She shook her head. "Fucking fish names," she muttered and went to go wait on another table.

I got Martin out of the bar in under five minutes. Once he was handcuffed and on the ground, I raced around the Tattoo parlor to the back of the building. I was just in time to see him climbing out of the dumpster that all three businesses obviously shared. Bobby and Hector were doubled over in laughter. He got out of the dumpster and looked down at himself in disgust. He was covered from head to toe in taco meat and rotten vegetables. There was a light dusting of body glitter covering him. He looked like some kind of cosmic burrito. I slapped my hand over my mouth so that I wouldn't laugh at the sight as well.

He wiped some of the Taco meat off of his face, and it left brownish smears that really looked gross. He saw Ranger coming around the building and started to yell. "That's it! I don't know what the fuck is going on around here, but this shit has your name written all over it, Manoso."

I held up a hand to stop Ranger from talking. "Actually, this is all your fault, Morelli."

He looked incredulous. "You think I came out here and hopped inside the Taco Loco dumpster?" Every time he flailed his arms, another piece of mystery taco came flying off of him.

"No, Joe. This came from a waitress who said that you treated her like garbage. You lived with her and called her Cupcake for months until you arrested her brother and disappeared. That's why she got the bouncers to toss you out. This one is all you." He looked down at his feet and didn't say anything else. He knew I was right, every bit as much as he knew that two years ago, he was still calling me Cupcake. I looked around at the men who had gathered to watch the scene unfold. Les was taking video with his cell phone. I can't wait to get that Email tomorrow. "Somebody take him home, please?" Cal nodded and I turned to Ranger. I covered my microphone and whispered in his ear, "I think I need to go to the Principal's office. I've been a bad girl."

His eyes dilated to black and he grabbed me around my waist. As we walked to his car, all he could say was, "Babe".


	20. gratuitous violence, no zombies yet

**By popular demand, here's the fight between Joe and Ranger. There's absolutely no plot advancement here, so I wouldn't be offended if you skipped it. (much) :-) There are a couple of good one liners in and amongst the gratuitous violence, though. Let me know what you think. I love hearing from you!**

**Kateadams, you're right. Sometimes a person needs a nudge to get moving. If that doesn't work, a swift kick in the ass will suffice.**

**As always, the characters you know and love belong to JE. Even the ones you know and don't love belong to her. Bummer. The mistakes are mine, though.**

STEPH POV

0430 came really freaking early the next morning. Between the distraction and my little side trip to the principal's office, I don't think I got more than three hours of sleep. I awoke with a start from a strange dream just as Ranger stepped out of the closet wearing his black gi. The corner of his mouth lifted up in one of his almost smiles. "Babe. You don't have to come down, I'm sure the video will be in your email by the time your shift starts."

I couldn't help but laugh. "I had a weird dream." He raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue. "You don't feel the need to drink blood, do you?"

He knelt on the bed and kissed me. "Babe, you really have to stop watching Twilight." He walked to the door, but turned back to look at me. "You never told me what you wanted to do this weekend for your birthday."

I shuddered. "Well, I don't want a costume party, that's for sure." He was shaking his head as he walked out of the bedroom. I raced to the bathroom to do my business and get dressed. There was no way I was going to miss this.

I got to the gym just before 5:00 and wedged myself into a spot between Cal and Hector. It seemed like everyone was here. I hoped there wasn't a break in this morning, because I had no idea who was left to answer the call. Ranger was kneeling on the mats, seemingly meditating while he waited for Morelli to come out of the locker room.

Joe came out at exactly 5:00 and walked to the mats like a condemned man heading to the gallows. Ranger hopped to his feet and met Joe in the middle. "You know why you're here, don't you?" Morelli just nodded. "Full contact, to submission. To make it fair, you can have either a knife or a second."

Morelli shook his head like he couldn't believe what Ranger was saying. He thought about it for a second, then said, "I'll take Santos."

Ranger nodded. He turned to the crowd and said, "Santos, suit up."

From behind me, I heard Les say, "Damn it."

Les quickly emerged from the locker room in his gi. Ranger gave them a minute to strategize. They walked over to the side of the mats near me. Les said to Joe, "Your best bet is to stay out of his dynamic sphere unless you are going in for a hit."

Joe looked confused. "Dynamic sphere?"

Les shook his head and gave him a look. "Stay out of reach of his arms _and_ his legs unless you're going to hit him. Try to go at him from different directions, and maybe one of us will get a hit or two in."

Morelli looked at him. "That's all you've got?"

Les smirked. "Unless you have time to get yourself a black belt between now and when you walk across the mats, yes." He turned back to Ranger. "Not in the face, I've got a date tonight." At Ranger's nod, he turned back to Joe. "All right, Cupcake, let's do this."

They walked back to the center of the mats. Ranger bowed, and they bowed back. They began circling around him, each staying well back from Ranger, and both of them moving further apart from each other. When they were at opposite sides, Joe stepped in to throw the first punch. Ranger easily sidestepped the swing, and grabbed Joe's arm to immobilize him. At the same time, he used his leverage on Joe to hop up and plant a kick in the center of Les' chest. The kick knocked him back a few feet and down to the mats. Once he had delivered the kick, he pulled Joe to the ground and dropped to his knee, delivering a blow to Joe's solar plexus. By the time he stood up, Les was back on his feet and coming for him.

Les aimed a kick at Ranger's ribs, but he grabbed Les' foot and twisted it until les was face down on the mat. He stomped on Les' back at the same time Joe came at him from behind. It looked like Joe was going to hit him, but he slapped Joe's arm away, took a step away from Les, and grabbed Joe's wrist. He pulled Joe towards him, delivered a knee to his stomach then bitch-slapped him. As Joe was falling, Les got an arm around Ranger's throat and put him in a choke hold. Instead of going backwards, Ranger leaned forward and snapped a backwards punch to Les' groin. All the guys around me cringed in sympathy. As Les doubled over, Ranger elbowed him in the stomach. Les curled up on the ground and gasped, "Fuck."

Ranger faced Joe again. Ranger took a step towards Joe, and Joe put his fists up in a classic boxer's stance. Ranger grinned and mirrored Joe's move. They danced around for a few seconds, giving Les a chance to roll towards the edge. Bobby walked over to him to make sure he was okay.

They both started jabbing at each other, neither one landing anything serious. Ranger landed a right cross to Joe's head. "You want gloves?"

Joe jabbed in a body shot. "Afraid of split knuckles?"

Ranger snorted. He landed a combination of body blows. "IBF rules?"

Joe shook his head. "MMA."

Ranger grinned and stepped in. He kicked Joe's shin. "That puts you at a disadvantage."

Joe jabbed at Ranger's shoulder and spun him a little to the side. When Ranger turned, Joe landed a solid kidney punch. "I think I'll be okay." The started to grapple, and landed on the ground, with Ranger on top of Joe. Joe was pulling his hair, which seemed a bit girlish, but Ranger head butted him, splitting Joe's eyelid open.

Ranger rolled to his side and threw Joe off. They both stood and circled each other. Ranger asked. "You ready to finish this?"

Joe threw a punch that glanced off Ranger's shoulder. "Any time you want to quit, just let me know." He wiped some of the blood off his face and out of his eye. He came in to throw a punch with his left hand, and Ranger took advantage of the opening. He stepped onto Joe's thigh and, holding Joe's left arm, climbed up his back and threw his right leg over Joe's neck. He locked his feet around Joe's torso and threw himself forward, flipping Joe onto his back, putting pressure on Joe's neck, and pulling Joe's arm backwards. Joe tried to buck Ranger off, but he could barely move. He pulled the wrong way, and we all heard the pop as his shoulder was dislocated. Joe tapped out and that was the end of the fight.

Ranger disentangled himself and stepped aside as Bobby came to Joe's aid. He looked Joe over and said to Ranger, "I have to get some supplies. Didn't let him move." Ranger nodded, and Bobby went to the infirmary. Cal tried to get me to leave, but I wasn't going anywhere until I knew Joe was all right.

By the time Bobby was back a minute later, the gym had emptied out. Cal stayed with me while Les and Ranger stayed with Joe. Bobby looked him over again. "I'm going to give you something for the pain, then we'll pop your shoulder back in." Joe didn't protest when Bobby gave him the shot, so he must have been in some serious pain. While they waited for it to take effect, Bobby wrapped a sheet under Joe's dislocated armpit and across his chest and back. When he felt like Joe was sufficiently doped up, he nodded to Ranger. He grabbed the sheet and pulled. Ranger took Joe's arm and pulled down while he rotated. Joe yelled until we heard another pop, and his arm was back in place.

Once his arm was fixed, Bobby cleaned the blood off Joe's face and used some small butterfly bandages to close the cut. Once Bobby deemed him as repaired as he was going to get, the guys helped him to his feet. Bobby led him to the infirmary so that he could get a few hours of rest.

Ranger turned to Les. "You good?"

Les nodded. "Still the best looking guy in the family."

Ranger shook his head. "I think you should go to the infirmary, too. You obviously hit your head."

Les wiggled his eyebrows. "You're just jealous that Abuela Rosa loves me more."

Ranger pulled Les into a head lock and gave him a noogie. "In your dreams, Santos."

JOE POV

I woke up in the infirmary in a world of hurt. Bobby handed me a couple of Advil and a bottle of water. I was secretly hoping for more of whatever he had given me earlier. That was some seriously good shit. He checked me out again and told me not to use my arm too much for the next couple of days. I thanked him and went to take a shower and get dressed. Maybe Ranger will let me have the weekend off again. Yeah, right, who am I kidding?

I got off the elevator and saw a bunch of guys gathered around the control room watching something on the monitors. If I had to bet, I'd say they were watching the fight with the guys who couldn't be there. I turned down the hallway and went to Ranger's office. I knocked and went in. The bastard didn't have a bruise or scrape on him that I could see. He told me that I would be on monitors for the next week. I swear I felt my ass go numb as soon as he said it. He saved the best for last though, when he informed me that I had Grandma Patrol the week after. A lesser man would have cried at the thought of having to spend eight hours a day for a week with Edna, but I just nodded.

He went back to work on his computer, effectively dismissing me. As I turned to leave, I noticed that he did, in fact, split the skin on his knuckles. It seems a bit petty of me, but I'm secretly glad that he bled, too. Even if it was only the fact that he hurt his hand punching me.

I went to the control room. Sure enough, they were watching the end of the fight in slow motion. I have to admit, watching him basically climb my body and throw me over looks impressive as hell. When they realized that I had walked in the room, the guys started to leave.

I sat down in the chair next to Woody. He looked at me and grinned. "How's the arm, Cupcake?"

I flipped him off. "Looks like it still works."

He laughed and went back to watching the monitors. "You're all right. Even if you're an asshole."

I decided to take that as the compliment he meant it to be. "Sorry, Woody, I already have a girlfriend." With that, we both got back to work.

**A/N – If you're interested in actually seeing some of the moves Ranger used in the fight, I pinned a video to my board, /spiffytgm/plum-diamond. That guy is crazy good. I also pinned the hot Italian guys, simply because I could. You're welcome.**


	21. Woody's roundup

**Woohoo, another chapter. Go, me! Thank you all for the great reviews of the fight. I was surprisingly nervous about that one.**

**Any characters you recognize belong to JE. The mistakes, as always, are mine.**

CAL POV

Joe has been here for eight months, and I'm not sure why. He's competent, but he doesn't quite fit in. He's been partnered with Woody for the last four months. Woody is probably the most easygoing guy here, but even he's been tense for the last month. I figured that since I'm pretty much living with his sister, I owe it to her to see if I can help him out.

I told Joe to meet me at Cluck in a Bucket for lunch on his day off. I figured that nobody would bother us here, it's not a hangout for either cops or Rangemen. Joe showed up at noon exactly, and I waited while he got a Clucky Burger combo with a chocolate shake. I can't believe he's going to eat that crap. He made his way over to the corner where I was sitting with my back to the wall.

"What's up?" He poured enough salt on his fries to raise his blood pressure by at least ten points and started opening ketchup packets.

"How do you like working at Rangeman so far?"

He shrugged and dragged a fry through the ketchup. I was starting to get nauseated watching him eat. "It's a job."

That was the problem in a nutshell. He saw this as a job. I mean, he's right, it is a job, but that attitude will get you and your partner killed. "And your grievance with the TPD?"

Now he looked irritated. "It's still unresolved. They were unable to reach an agreement at step B, so they have to set a date for arbitration."

I raised an eyebrow at that. "And what's going to happen if you don't get your badge back? "

He shook his head. "Not gonna happen."

I can tell that he doesn't want to go there, but someone needs to say it. "Suppose it does? Are you going to stay at Rangeman? Hell, you still act like we're a bunch of thugs, even though you're one of us."

"I'm not giving up on getting my badge back."

I just stared at him. "Joe, you've been at Rangeman for eight months. How often do you hang out with the guys after work?" He gave me a blank look. "Have you seen anyone engaging in criminal activity since you've been there?" He shook his head. "We're not the bad guys, and you're not a cop anymore. Don't you think it's time to start at least trying to fit in? Look, I'm not saying you and Woody have to start dating or braiding each other's back hair or shit like that, but I know you've had partners at TPD before. Would you go through the door with a partner like you are now?"

He pushed his tray away from him. "Just because you're dating my sister doesn't mean you know shit, Galloway."

I snorted. And crossed my arms. "I may not know shit, Morelli, but I do know that if you don't get your head out of your ass and start trusting the person who's supposed to be backing you up, one or both of you are going to get hurt one of these days." I stood up and left. Cathy and I were leaving tonight for an early Christmas with my family in New Orleans. It was up to him whether or not he listened to me, but for Woody's sake, I hope he does.

JOE POV

I spent the rest of the day thinking about what Cal said to me. His words would prove to be more prophetic than anyone would have guessed, but I had no way of knowing that. I hated to admit it, but he had a valid point. It was a good thing that it was supposed to look like I hated my job, because I really did. I hated the fact that it was a well-run operation. I wanted them to be thugs and bastards, because that would mean I was right all along. The fact is, I actually like partnering with Woody. If he was a cop, we'd be tight.

Speaking of tight, I am in with the Family. I have been slowly climbing the ladder within the organization, gathering evidence as I go. Enzo, my contact, reminds me a little of Tony Soprano. He can be your best buddy, your favorite uncle, and a generous benefactor, but you really don't want to get on his bad side. I was meeting him at the bar that night, so I needed to get my head back in the game.

The bar wasn't crowded, so we sat at a table. Enzo got down to business. "We've successfully negotiated another deal with Ramos. I'd like you to come to the buy and inspect the merchandise."

Finally, I've hit the mother lode. There was just one small problem. "Enzo, I'm looking forward to helping you, but I have to warn you, if it's drugs, I may not be that big of a help."

His face darkened. "And why would that be?"

I knew I was treading on thin ice. "Because I did a lot of undercover work in Vice. If the wrong person recognizes me at the wrong time, it could jeopardize your deal."

His face cleared and the favorite uncle was back. "I appreciate your honesty, Joe. Fortunately, you have nothing to worry about. Be here at 8:00 tomorrow. Wear a suit. We have a reputation to uphold." He tossed some money on the table and left. I finished my drink and nodded at Johnny as I walked to the door.

The next day seemed to drag on forever. Even Woody noticed. "You got a date tonight, cupcake?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"You got a sister?"

He punched me in the arm, but it wasn't meant to hurt. "Fucker."

Towards the end of my shift, I was called into Tank's office. He wasted no time with pleasantries. "Report."

I fought the urge to stand at attention. "I'm getting closer to several arrests. The family is starting to use me for more than passing along messages, and I'm gathering evidence." His eyes bored into me as I silently willed him to believe the shit I was shoveling.

He shook his head. "And you'll let one of us know if you need backup, right?"

Yeah, I'll be sure to put that on the top of my To Do list. "Yes"

He frowned. I know he didn't believe me, but he didn't have much of a choice. "Dismissed."

I walked into the bar a few minutes early. I know I look like a pit boss in my suit, but fortunately that's the look they want. As soon as Enzo sees me, he nods towards the door, and we got into a waiting car. I was surprised when we stopped at Rossini's, but followed Enzo inside and towards the back room. When we walked in the room, my heart leapt into my throat. Seated at the table was Jim, the skip I had picked up in Point Pleasant. Next to him was a blonde woman dressed in black. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

As soon as Jim saw me, his eyes widened slightly. That was the only sign of recognition. I was sweating bullets, but I kept my gaze cool. He leaned over and whispered something to the woman with him. Enzo sat at the table with Jim and the blonde, and I sat at a table with the rest of Enzo's underlings.

I didn't hear their conversation, but based on Jim's arrest record, the Family is buying guns. If I could find out where the buy was taking place, I could bust everyone in one felled swoop. This is huge. Towards the end of the meeting, the blonde stood up and excused herself. Most of the guys watched her walk out, but I took the opportunity to glance in Jim's direction. Sure enough, he was watching me instead of her. A slight smile creased the corner of his mouth.

We were leaving just as the blonde made her way back to the table. Enzo dropped me off at the bar and I went straight home from there. I need to find out when and where the buy is happening.

RAM POV

Sitting in a car in the parking lot of an Italian restaurant is not my idea of fun. At least I'm in the car. Slick is freezing his ass off around the back of the building. We'll trade places every fifteen minutes until the car Morelli came in gets back. I don't know why Tank ordered us to follow him tonight, but his instruction were clear. Keep a loose tail on him from the time he left his house until the time he got back.

After a half an hour, the door opened and the men came back out. I moved back to our car as the door opened again and Jeanne Ellen Burrows walked out. We followed them back to the bar, then we followed Morelli home. After we were sure he was in for the night, we headed back to Rangeman.

As we were leaving the neighborhood, we spotted Jeanne Ellen's black Jaguar. Slick pulled over and I called Tank for instructions. The call went to voicemail, so I called the control room. They didn't have any instructions regarding Morelli. I tried Tank again, but he still wasn't answering. After a short debate, we decided to call Ranger.

JOE POV

I had just taken off my jacket and grabbed a beer when there was a knock on my door. I opened it to find the blonde from the restaurant on my porch. I gave her a smile. "Can I help you?" I can think of at least half a dozen ways I could help her.

She smiled. "Jim would like to have a word with you." I leaned forward to see if he was in the car in front of my house, and she used my momentum to pull me all the way out the door. I stumbled on the top step and fell, hitting my head on the sidewalk. After that, it was lights out.

RAM POV

Ranger was less than thrilled when we called him. After telling him what we observed, he barked out a curse. "Go back to his house and see if she's there. If she isn't, make sure he's okay and call me back."

We turned around and went back. When we got there, the lights were off, and Joe's car was the only one there. Slick got out and knocked on the door. He waited a minute and knocked again. When there was still no answer, he got out his lock picking tools and made his way inside. When he walked back out, he had his phone up to his ear. "Ranger, we have a situation. Morelli's missing."

JEANNE ELLEN POV

Crap. How could a simple bodyguard job get so fucked up? I've guarded Jim before. For an arms dealer, he's an okay guy. He always pays on time, and he doesn't get grabby, like some guys.

When we were in the restaurant, Jim asked me to follow the guy home and arrange a meet if he was alone. Why are all the good looking ones gay? Just before the meeting was over, I excused myself. I came back in just as they were leaving and slipped a tracker in the guy's pocket. Once they were gone, I followed his progress on my laptop.

When I got to his house, it was obvious that he was in for the night and alone. I was just going to pull him out of his house so that I could talk to him, but he tripped and hit his head. I was going to take him to the emergency room, but he started to come around. I told him I was going to take him to get looked at, and he got in my car. I called Jim, and he told me to bring him to the beach house. He would have someone there to take a look at him.

Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

**A/N - Okay, let's see... so far he's been covered in some really gross stuff while chasing FTA's, thrown in a dumpster, written about on the bathroom wall, bet on by both cops and Rangemen, stalked, taken to the mats, called incompetent by his girlfriend, had his car blown up, told to get a job at the button factory by his mom, did a distraction, teased by his friends, and now he's been kidnapped. (bad Jeanne, no cookie for you). Is there anything that you think I've missed? Anything else you'd like to see happen? We're getting closer to the end, so let me know! :-)**


	22. Gone Daddy Gone

**There are so many people I would like to thank. First, I would like to thank everybody for reading along, and double thanks to everyone who reviewed. I'm in awe of all the positive responses.**

**Next, I'd like to thank Margaret. The rescue wouldn't have been the same without you! :-)**

**JenRar, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for my 400th review. I'm plotzing, in a good way!**

**Finally, thank you, Maggie for your amazing insight. Your review was beyond awesome!**

**Just for clarification, even though there is a certain amount of animosity (if that's the right word) between Jeanne Ellen and Stephanie, most of it is in regards to Ranger, so I went out on a fictional limb and assumed that she didn't really know that "Tony the gay mobster" was Steph's ex-boyfriend...**

**Anyway, the usual disclaimer goes here... Not mine, yada yada yada...**

RANGER POV

Morelli's gone. Son of a bitch. I knew this was going to happen. I walked into the control room and barked at the men. "Report."

Ramon jumped to attention. "Monitors are clear, Sir. Ram and Slick called in and asked for instructions regarding Morelli. I informed them that there were none and logged the call."

Obviously they don't yet know what happened. "Where is his phone located?"

Brett started typing. On the screen in front of him, a map of Trenton appeared. "His phone is at his house, sir."

"Locate Jeanne Ellen Burrows." I found her number in my contact list and rattled it off.

Brett went back to typing. "Her phone isn't showing up. It may be powered off." Damn. That would have been too easy.

I called her as I walked to my office. As expected, it went straight to voicemail. I left a brief "Call me," and hung up. I sent a team over to Morelli's house to dust for fingerprints, but I didn't have much hope they'd find anything. Stephanie was waiting for me in my office. I had tried to convince her to go back to sleep, but I knew she would stay until he was found. I was trying to figure out what to do next when my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID to see Tank on the other end. "Yo."

Tank seemed out of sorts. "Rangeman, I'm sorry I missed Ram's calls earlier. I had to take Applepuff to the vet, and I left my phone at home."

That figures. Tank's cats are his babies. That's why there was only the barest hint of sarcasm when I said, "I trust the situation is sorted out now?"

He blew out a breath. "She had to have a cast put on. I picked out the pink one to match her little collar." I lightly thunked my head on my desk. Some things I just did not need to know. "You want me to go over to Morelli's?"

"Negative. I sent Caesar over to dust for prints, and I'm waiting for a call from Burrows, so the only thing I can do now is wait. I even sent a couple teams out to check her house and look for her car." I hung up on tank and pulled Steph onto my lap. She was shaking with silent laughter. I think I may actually be grateful that he over shared. I made another phone call. Time to ruin someone else's night. "Mayor Juniak, we have a situation."

JOE POV

I woke up with a splitting headache. As soon as I opened an eye, I also knew I wasn't home. I tried to think about last night. I remembered getting home and opening a beer. Then I remembered the blonde knocking on my door. The rest came rushing back. The fall, hitting my head, even getting into her car because she said she was going to get me help. I sat up fast and instantly regretted it. I had just put a hand to my head when I heard his voice. "Tony, are you all right?"

Oh, crap. She must have taken me to Jim's house, and like an idiot, I got right in the car for her. I ran my hand through my hair. That's when I noticed that I wasn't wearing a shirt. What the hell happened last night? I looked at Jim. "My head feels like it's going to fall off and my clothes seem to be missing."

He smiled. "That awful suit you had on had blood all over it. I took the liberty of sending it to be cleaned. Really, it should be burned. You should always wear silk."

Like I could afford silk suits on a cop's salary. "I only wear that for work. That way I don't mind if it gets dirty."

He nodded as if he understood. "I left your wallet on the nightstand." I bet he went through it, too. I have never been more grateful that I used my middle name as my cover. "I apologize for Jeanne Ellen's behavior. She was perhaps a bit overzealous." Gee, you think?

I nodded. "It's okay. I didn't think I was ever going to see you again."

He stood up and walked over to the door. "Believe me, I was just as surprised as you were. It was fate that put us together, Tony." He looked over at me. "Why don't I get us some breakfast and we can talk." with that, he walked out of the room.

As soon as he left, I jumped out of the bed. After the pain almost dropped me to my knees, I decided to go a little slower. I opened the dresser drawers to find them all empty. The closets and nightstands were empty as well. This was probably a guest bedroom, if it was even his house.

By the time Jim came back, I was back in bed. He set a tray of eggs, bacon, and orange juice on the nightstand, next to my wallet. I sat up, and Jim handed me a plate. Breakfast was a strange mix of small talk, good food and keeping the boys covered with the sheet. He started asking me some personal questions. I needed to think of a way to delay him, so that I don't say something to blow my cover. I finished my breakfast and said, "Jim, I'm not used to getting to know someone better while I'm naked in a strange bed. I have dried blood in my hair, and I'd really like to take a shower." I have a feeling that this will be the longest shower I have ever taken.

RANGER POV

The morning meeting was dominated by our efforts to find Morelli. The only clue we had was that Jeanne Ellen was seen in the area around the time that he went missing. She still hasn't returned my call, and her phone is still off. For all we know, he knew she was coming, and the two of them are off banging each other somewhere. I doubt it, though. From the information we gathered from the bar, something big is happening, and it's happening soon.

Both the Mayor and the Chief of police were present at the meeting. We didn't have much, but they were impressed by our efforts to find Joe while keeping them informed. As I was about to end the meeting, I got a call from the front desk. "Jeanne Ellen is here to see you, sir."

I told him to escort her up and turned to the team assembled. "Looks like we may finally get some answers."

Jeanne Ellen walked into the room with plenty of swagger. She was wearing black leather pants, a black top, and knee high black boots. Stephanie calls this her Catwoman outfit, and I know Jeanne Ellen wore it just to annoy her. As soon as she took a look around the room, she lost the attitude. "Ranger, what's going on?"

"Jeanne Ellen, what were you doing on Slater last night?"

"Just picking someone up."

I handed her Morelli's picture. "Was this the guy?"

She looked like she was going to pass out. "Yes. That's him."

"Where did you take him?"

"Why? He's just a low level mobster."

On the brighter side, it looks like his cover is intact. "Jeanne Ellen, that man is an undercover cop."

Fortunately Bobby was close enough to catch her before she hit the ground. He put her in a chair and pushed her head between her knees. Once she was feeling better, she waived him off. "I didn't know. I thought he was mafia. I took him to see his boyfriend."

Oh, shit. "Arms dealer?" She nodded. "I need the address, now."

She straightened up. "I'm coming with you."

I shook my head. "Not necessary."

"He's my client, and I need to make this right."

I nodded. "Go with brown and get suited up. We leave in ten." I turned to the team. "Santos, Woody, get ready to go." The team left without another word. I addressed the Mayor and the Chief. "I need to go. I trust my men. We'll be back in a couple of hours."

The Chief nodded. "Just bring him back."

I left the conference room and went to my office. Steph was there waiting for me. "I'm coming with you."

"No."

"How come Jeanne Ellen gets to go?"

I knew this was going to happen. No good deed goes unpunished. "Babe, she'll know how her client will react in this situation. Besides, I have no problem trading her for Joe if I need to." I also knew that there was no way I was going to win this argument. As soon as I said yes to Jeanne Ellen, I couldn't say no to my Babe. I walked to my closet. Reaching in, I pulled out his and hers flak vests. Do I know how to show a girl a good time, or what? Handing her one of the vests, I said, "Stay close to me, please." Fortunately, she didn't argue with me.

JOE POV

I was in the shower washing my hair for the third time when the curtain was pulled aside and Jim stepped in. I can only assume it was a combination of the position of my hands and my surprise at being interrupted, but before I realized what was happening, I was handcuffed to the shower rod. Jim picked up the soap and got way too close. He started to lather my chest. "I had hoped to take more time to get to know you, Tony, but we have an hour and a half to get to the Comstock street warehouse, and I may not be back to New Jersey for a while."

He kissed me. There was a lot of tongue, and he slid his hands around my waist and cupped my ass. Even though I was handcuffed to the shower rod and kissing a dude, this was not the worst kiss I ever had. I was wondering how the hell I was going to get myself out of this mess with both my virtue and my cover intact, when an alarm sounded from somewhere in the house. Jim tore himself away from my mouth and said, "Wait here."

As soon as he left, I started to try to get out of there. Usually you can just pop a shower rod out of its holder. This one seemed to be welded into place. I was half out of the shower reaching for the towel rack when the door crashed open. Stephanie came in low and swept right, Ranger came in high and swept left. They both froze in place when they saw me. It seemed like the three of us stayed like that forever, Ranger and Stephanie pointing guns at me while I was stretched out reaching for a towel. Stephanie broke the tension when she fell to the floor, laughing her ass off. Ranger lowered his weapon and chuckled. They were making so much noise that the next thing I knew, the bathroom was filled with people, including the blonde that brought me here.

She handed me the towel I had been reaching for and unlocked the handcuff. "I'm sorry, Detective Morelli. For what it's worth, I didn't know who you were."

I tried to shake some blood back into my hand. "Not your fault." I looked over her head. "Ranger, can I speak to you for a minute?" I had to tell him what was going on. He was the only person here who could get a team together fast enough to make the bust happen. I can't believe this, but I was going to have to trust Ranger.


	23. My Way - The Sex Pistols version

**I've always known how this story was going to end up (including who did certain things), but the end of this chapter was surprisingly difficult to write. On the brighter side, we're so close to the end that I can taste it, now. **

**I want to thank each and every one of you that reviewed the last chapter. I was blown away by the responses!**

**BTW, if there's a character in here that you recognize, that's because they belong to JE... Mistakes are always mine...**

Ranger led me into what I discovered was another bedroom. Thankfully this one had clothes in it. I rifled through the drawers until I found a pair of sweatpants. They were small and tight, but it was better than the towel I was currently wearing. Once I had them on, I turned and faced Ranger. "There's a buy happening in a little over an hour at the warehouse on the corner of Comstock and fifth. Most of the family is going to be there, since the Don himself negotiated the buy."

Ranger looked thoughtful. "I'm going to assume weapons?"

I ran my hand through my hair. "Yes. A lot of them. If I was back in Trenton, I would have learned the location in time to get a team together. As it stands, I'll be lucky to get myself there in time. I need your help, Ranger. Can you get a team together?"

Ranger took his cell phone out of his pocket. He hit a button and listened while the phone rang. Once it was answered, he said, "We got him." After a pause, he said, "Put me on the com. This is an all hands mission. All non-essential personnel are to be suited up ATF and ready to roll in thirty minutes. Ram, I need eyes on the warehouse at Comstock and Fifth now. Best position you can manage. Hector, see if there are any video feeds in the area you can tap into. The more we can get, the better. Chief?" Wait a minute, was my Chief at Rangeman waiting for them to rescue me? "Can you get us an escort home from Point Pleasant? I could use some sirens right about now. If you have any officers you want in on this, get them to Rangeman now." Yes, it was my boss that was there. How the hell did he arrange all of that? I probably haven't even been gone twelve hours yet. "Tank, let him know how we're going in. I want all the bases covered." He hung up the phone and turned to me. "Let's go."

We walked out to the living room where everyone was gathered. Jim was nowhere in sight. Almost as if he was reading my mind, Ranger said, "He wasn't here. I'm going to assume he left as soon as we pulled into the driveway." The look he gave me said that he knew what was happening when they got here. Hey, I can't help it if the Italian Stallion was still ready to ride when they busted into the bathroom. It wasn't my fault! "He'll probably still attempt the buy. It takes cash to disappear." I nodded in agreement. We heard sirens approaching the house. Ranger addressed the group. "All right, we need to move fast, people. Let's roll."

Woody got into the cop car at the end of the driveway. He was probably pissed at me, but this really wasn't my fault. I got into the backseat of the first SUV with Santos. Ranger and Stephanie got in the front. Bobby and the blonde got into the vehicle behind us. Once we were behind the cop car and traveling at the speed of light towards Trenton, Ranger got on his phone and started barking out orders. Lester turned towards me and looked me up and down. He wiggled his eyebrows at me and said, "So, Cupcake, what were you doing in the shower when we got there? I want ALL the details."

I glared at him. "Fuck you, Santos."

When we got back to Rangeman, most of the men were in the conference room, checking weapons and communications. Each man had a flak vest emblazoned with either ATF or TPD on the back. They also wore Kevlar helmets with headsets underneath and cameras mounted on the front. If I didn't know they were Rangeman employees, I would think that it was an invasion. There was a small arsenal on the table. Ranger turned to the blonde. "Thank you for your assistance, Jeanne Ellen."

Just like that, she was dismissed. She looked like she was going to argue, but Tank said, "We know how to get in touch if there are any charges pending." She left, but she didn't look happy about it.

Ranger turned to Stephanie. "I need you to stay with Hector on monitors, Babe."

I thought she would argue, but she looked into his eyes and said, "Don't get shot."

Ranger smiled and said, "Don't go crazy." He kissed her and she went to join Hector.

Tank walked up to Ranger and handed him a helmet. "I talked to SAC Blasskey, he's sending someone over from the Trenton field office until he gets here, but we're a go." Ranger nodded and turned. Tank slapped an ATF cover on his flak vest.

The Chief walked over to where I stood next to Ranger and handed me a TPD vest. With a pointed look at me, he said to Ranger, "Thank you for keeping me in the loop. I'll be on the perimeter with Mayor Juniak and the ATF agent."

Ranger nodded and put his helmet on. He pulled a microphone toward his mouth and said, "Comm check." Immediately, the men started responding. I quickly pulled my own helmet on and was relieved to hear that my own gear was tuned to the same channel. I gave my response that I was online.

Once everyone responded, Stephanie's voice came over the headphones. "All units five by five."

As the men started filing out of the conference room towards the garage, Ranger pulled me aside. Covering his microphone, he said, "Stick to Woody like he was your partner and your life depended on it." I nodded, and we left the room.

On the ride to the warehouse, I was as nervous as a virgin on their wedding night. This was a make or break moment for my career. I listened to Ram over the headset as he described the activity going on. Every now and then Hector would give an update, and Woody would tell me what he was saying. Ranger coordinated reports and issued orders, giving the men their positions. When we arrived at the warehouse, Ranger ordered radio silence and we moved into place.

It's hard to describe the pure adrenaline rush that you get on a mission like this one. By the time we had everyone secured, I was practically shaking from it. We got everything, guns, money, mobsters, and one visibly unhappy gun runner. With the video footage from the helmet cams, we had enough evidence to put all of these men away for a long time. The chief had called for wagons, and we began loading the men to be sent to lockup. I kept my helmet on. They would know that I was responsible at their trials, but not now.

When we got outside, I could see that the news cameras had arrived, no doubt alerted by the request for prisoner transport. The chief was standing next to a man wearing an ATF jacket, and was talking to the cameras. "I would like to thank the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms for their assistance. It is because of their work that the streets of Trenton will be a little safer tonight." What the hell? The man next to the chief started talking, but I tuned him out.

We went back to Rangeman and unloaded all our gear. Binkie gave me a message that the mayor wanted to see me, so I left as soon as I could and headed over to the mayor's office. When I got there, I was immediately shown in. Both the mayor and my chief were waiting for me. The chief handed me my badge. "Congratulations, Detective Morelli, on a successful mission. A commendation will be placed in your file."

I lost it. "Why is the ATF taking credit for my bust?"

The chief looked pissed. "Look, Morelli, I don't like it any more than you do that they get the credit for this. Let's face the facts, though. If it weren't for Manoso, you'd still be handcuffed to a shower rod, or some sicko's headboard, and they would have all gotten away."

"It's their fault I was there in the first place."

The chief looked like he was ready to blow a gasket. "Why? Because you told them that your meeting was with an arms dealer whom they were familiar with? Because you kept them informed like you were supposed to? You should be fucking grateful they had you covered as much as they did. They're the ones who found you, and they're the ones who threw an op together in twenty minutes that resulted in the takedown of the entire Campanoli family and a major arms dealer with zero casualties. They used their contacts in the ATF to get the authority to apprehend, as well as assistance from the Special Agent in Charge. Take the commendation and be happy, Morelli. You're lucky I don't fire your ass for real." I kept my mouth closed when he got up and stormed out of the office.

Once the chief was gone, I turned to Mayor Juniak. "Thank you for your faith in me, Mayor," and stood to leave.

Mayor Juniak ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "Sit your ass down, Morelli." I sat and looked at him. "Congratulations on a successful operation. Now, let's talk about it. Why would you say it got screwed up at the end?"

I thought fast. "Sir, you yourself said that it was successful. Arrests were made, and I'm confident that they will all be convicted."

He waved me silent. "Is that why I got a call last night that you were missing and presumed abducted? I was at Rangeman when that Burrows woman came in and told them where you were. I was still there when they got you and began planning the bust. I would say that you were damned lucky that they were on the job."

I don't think lucky is the word I would use to describe the way I feel right now. "Sir, last night notwithstanding, I performed my duties to the best of my abilities. It was my work that made the bust today possible."

"Stop right there. How would you say your job performance was on this mission?"

"I'd say it was exemplary."

"So you wouldn't use words like embarrassing or incompetent? Maybe you were told you'd be better off working at the button factory?"

It hit me like a ton of bricks. "You're the one that bugged my house?"

"Joe, I've known you since you were born. I grew up with your father. I'm Stephanie's godfather. I know the way you think, and I know how you act. I knew damned well that you wouldn't tell Ranger that the sky is blue, much less keep him informed like you were supposed to. Yes, I bugged your car and your house. I did it to learn what was going on in your investigation, but I found out something much more interesting."

I was pissed now. "What, that I snore?"

He leaned back in his chair. "No. I learned that you really don't like the shoe being on the other foot, do you?"

"Care to tell me what you mean by that?"

"Think back, Joe. Think about every fight you had with Stephanie. What were most of them about? Every time her car blew up, or every time she showed up covered in garbage, what did you tell her?" He let my silence fill the office. "I'll tell you what you told her. You told her she was incompetent. You told her that she was embarrassing. You watched as your friends bet on her, and you never did anything about it, did you? You told her to quit her job so that she could raise your kids and take care of you. Everyone knows this, because most of the time you were yelling at her, you were in public. Right out in the open where every busybody in the world could hear how you treated her. Or else you wrote about it on bathroom walls, where everyone read about it. Now you're the one covered in Crisco reading about your exploits on the bathroom wall. But that's not your fault, is it?" His face was red, and there was a vein throbbing in his temple. "When you go back to being a cop, I want you to remember this whole operation, Joe. The Burg Grapevine will forget about it eventually, but I want you to remember everything you went through. Stephanie is happy now, and she deserves to be. Maybe next time, you'll think before you treat the woman you supposedly love like that." I didn't know what to say. The mayor blew out a breath and seemed to deflate. He looked tired. "Go home, Joe. I'd say you have some thinking to do."

**A/N - Yes, I know that bugging Joe's house and car is illegal, but this is still fiction, and nobody would believe Morelli if he told people that Juniak bugged his house. Besides, Ranger was already kind enough to remove the evidence. Juniak will never admit it, but he's the one that sent the text to Mooch, too.**


	24. Harsh reality

**We're almost at the end now, one more chapter to go. Hopefully I'll have it up by Friday. I'm typing as fast as I can. :-) Seriously huge thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. I am, as always, awed by the positive responses!**

**I'd like to say a quick but heartfelt thanks to Ranger, the Merry Men, and all the men and women who have served and continue to serve in the Armed Forces. Veteran's day shouldn't be the only day that we remember, Freedom isn't free.**

**Anyway, all the characters you know and love belong to JE. I'm just glad she lets us play with them. The mistakes are mine, though.**

The first thing I did when I got home was grab a beer and let Bob out. His food dish was empty, but his water bowl was full. I guess the Rangeman guys took care of him while they were here. I don't know whether to be glad that someone thought of him, or pissed off that they felt comfortable enough in my home to take care of my dog. Once he finished his business, I let him back inside and we flopped down on the couch.

I took a healthy sip of my beer and Bob laid his head on my leg. I petted him. "You're still on my side, aren't you Bob?" He looked up at me when I said his name, but didn't move from his spot. Bob may eat things he shouldn't, like couches and underwear, but he's a good companion and he lets me talk as long as I want. I had some more beer. "I still don't know how everything could have gotten this fucked up, Bob." A small voice in my head told me that wasn't quite true. Would I have been more forthcoming with information if I wasn't so sure that Rangeman was filled with criminals and potential serial killers?

I thought back on the months I've been there. "Well, Bob, Binkie is an okay guy. He showed me the ropes and didn't laugh at me when I was covered in crap. He even knew how to handle Edna Mazur, which is a feat in itself. Woody is okay, too. He certainly knows what he is doing, and he's actually pretty funny in a sarcastic sort of way. Even Santos turned out to be all right. He may think I'm an asshole, but he was honest enough to tell me that straight up."

Of course, thinking about Santos automatically brought Ranger into my head. "Now, Ranger is one scary bastard. Even know I'm not sure who the hell he really is. I still think he might be crazy, but he runs a tight ship. I know he does covert ops, I even know he's killed people, Bob, but his men are loyal, and I don't think that any of them are the kind of people who would just blindly follow orders. Especially Stephanie. Turns out she was the biggest surprise of all. You'd hardly recognize her, Bob. She's like a different person when she's there." I got up and went to the kitchen for another beer and a couple of Bob treats. Visions of Stephanie Plum dancing in my head.

I sat back down and gave Bob a biscuit. "I was wrong about her too, Bob. Well, not entirely. I still think she takes way to many unnecessary risks, but I didn't give her enough credit as a bounty hunter. Those people I captured were bat shit crazy, and had absolutely no respect." I looked down at Bob, who was sniffing my pocket looking for another treat. "I think I know what I have to do next." I picked up my phone and dialed. "Hey, Steph. Are you free for dinner tonight?"

STEPH POV

Ranger wasn't exactly thrilled that I was going over to Joe's house for dinner, but when push comes to shove, he knows he can trust me, and this is something I think I have to do. Plus, I get to have some of Angie Morelli's manicotti, and visit with Bob. That alone would make it worth the trip. Ella is an amazing cook, and I love her dearly, but Angie Morelli's manicotti is famous throughout the Burg for good reason. I knocked on his door at six o'clock. Some habits are hard to break, and dinner at six is one of them.

When he answered the door, he looked rumpled and tired, but none the worse for the wear. As soon as I walked inside, I could smell the marinara, so I stopped to appreciate the heavenly aroma. I stopped and took a minute to say hello to a very enthusiastic Bob. Morelli set the food out and we got down to the serious business of dinner. We didn't talk during the meal. I was busy savoring food I haven't eaten in a long time, and Joe was looking amused by my reaction. Once my plate was clean, he spoke. "That's one of the things I miss about you, Steph. You always did know how to enjoy a good meal."

I blushed a little. I know what I sound like when I'm eating. "Your mom always did make the best manicotti." Now that dinner was over, I was anxious to get back to Haywood. It's been a long time since I've been here. Rangeman is my home now. "What did you want to talk about?"

I could see him gathering his thoughts. Finally he said, "Where did we go wrong?"

Of all the things he could have asked, I think this was the one I expected the least. I thought about it for a minute. "We went wrong in a lot of places, Joe. I love you, and I have since we were kids, but we weren't meant to be together."

"But why do you think we self destructed?"

"Joe, we went back and forth with that stupid on again – off again stuff like a Wimbledon tennis match. That should have been our first clue that we weren't right for each other. We fought like cats and dogs, loudly and in public most of the time. People who are in love with each other shouldn't do that." I was still trying to go easy on him. We were both responsible for our breakup, and I could admit it.

He ran a hand through his hair. "Steph, I'm trying to understand some things. Why do you think we fought so much?"

Okay, I guess we're not going to go easy. "Because you hated that I worked with Ranger, and I hated that you worked with Terri. You wanted me to marry you and be a stay at home wife and mother, and I still don't want that. I've already been married long enough to not make that mistake again, and kids scare the crap out of me. You hated my job, even though you benefited from it more than anyone else I know."

He looked shocked. "What the hell do you mean, I benefited?"

I knew he didn't think much of my job, but seeing that he really didn't realize how much I helped him surprised me a little. "Joe, think about it. You were my very first capture, and I solved your case. If Ranger had been given your file, he wouldn't have cared about what happened to you. He would have brought you in, and you'd have gone to jail, period.

"How about Uncle Mo's case? Or the Ramos case? Or how about the time when I was accused to killing my ex-husband? Remember that? Do you remember where he was being hidden while I went around solving the case so that I wouldn't go to jail for a murder I didn't commit?" By now I was yelling at the top of my lungs and waving my arms around like a lunatic. I had already gotten up from the table and was pacing the length of the dining room. "Did you ever once say to me, Don't worry, we know you didn't kill him? You let me think I was going to jail, Joe, so that I would solve your case for you. I was almost incinerated by that maniac while you sat in your living room eating pizza and watching movies with the Dick."

I waited for him to come up with some explanation as to why he thought that wasn't true, but his stunned silence spoke louder than words. I didn't think I needed to yell anymore to get my point across. "Joe, I was better at my job than you gave me credit for, but I know I wasn't the best. I still do skip tracing and make apprehensions, just not as much since I started working at Rangeman. Ranger accepts that. He even helps me with it sometimes. I help him, too. The thing is that when I help him, he tells me that he's proud of me. It really makes a difference." I smiled. "It doesn't hurt that he's just as relationship phobic as I am. He doesn't want a stay at home wife and mother any more than I want to be one. I'm not mad at you, Joe, and I don't hate you. Ranger and I are just right together. I love you, but I'm in love with him."

He looked at me with sad eyes. "How come you never told me any of this?"

I sat back down. "I did, Joe. I may not have said all of that to you, but I told you that I was good at my job. I told you that I didn't want to get married and have kids, but you didn't listen. Just like I didn't listen when you told me that what I was doing wasn't safe. That's why we fought so much. Neither one of us wanted to admit that the other might have been a little bit right. I can admit now that I did some pretty stupid things."

He tilted his head. "How come you didn't tell me not to call you cupcake until after we broke up? I thought you liked it."

I sighed. "When we were together, it was cute. Kind of like calling someone Honey, or even Babe. Maybe it's a girl thing, but it made me feel loved. When we broke up, you should have stopped calling me that, because I _wasn't_ your Cupcake anymore. Instead of being cute and endearing, it meant that you didn't see me as a real person. I'm not a cupcake."

He closed his eyes. I wanted to take the pain away for him, but I was being honest with him. When he opened them, I could see that he was beginning to understand. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

I wasn't sure which part he was sorry about, but in the end, it didn't matter. I reached across the table and took his hand. "Apology accepted. For what it's worth, I'm sorry, too. Friends?"

He gave me half a smile. "Yeah." Suddenly his half smile turned into a full blown smile. "Hey, can you do me a favor and tell Santos that I'm not as big of an asshole as he thinks I am?"

I laughed. At that moment, I knew we'd be okay. I couldn't be the wife and mother that he wanted me to be, but I'd always be his friend. "I don't know if I'd go that far."

On the drive home, I felt a lot better than I had on the drive there. I cranked my stereo and sang along with Metallica all the way back to Haywood. I fobbed my way up to seven, and found Ranger in the office. At his invitation, I sat in his lap and gave him a big "I'm glad I'm home" kiss. By the time we broke apart, my toes were curled and my panties were ruined. He arched an eyebrow. "Interesting dinner?"

I smiled and kissed him again, just because I could. "Just wanted to let you know that I'm glad I'm right where I belong." I gave him the highlights of the conversation I had with Joe.

When I was done talking, he picked me up and carried me towards the bedroom. HE laid me on the bed and gave me his 200 watt smile. "Babe."


End file.
